Reviews for Eighteen Years |
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AfterPartyFiasco chapter 2 . 10/31/2007 Yay! More emotion in this story! Hihihihihi. I found one error but it's very minuscule. You just forgot to capitalize a letter so don't worry about it. ;;p Aw...I feel bad for Enrique even worse than what I should feel. Maybe...because that's the name of my bets friend. lmfao - Songs of an Angel |
AfterPartyFiasco chapter 1 . 10/31/2007 Heya, To start...I just want to say that I like how you started your story. The incident (death) is something so serious that whenever I'd read these things happening,they'd be way too dramatized which in my opinion is sort of an annoyance. Yours was calm but the seriousness of the event was there and felt and I like it. You were able to portray your characters' feelings well without exaggerating anything. :) “Your parents are lucky they survived. It's a miracle they didn't break anything, but they did hit their heads pretty bad, so they might have amnesia. I'm very sorry to have to tell you this.” - I've always thought of this idea but I found it hard to write. I hope you can pull it off. I'm only reading your first chapter so I can't say much for now. :D Aw...the last part was saddening, but...(oh my here I come...) I kind of don't like how you decided to put different languages. I know your characters are not American (don't worry, I'm not being racist here. I'm Asian. Just to let you know.;p) but it's kind bothersome to put those translations. I'd say you can put the dialogue, the ones in a different language, in little parts of your story, but don't overuse it hun. ;p I love the way you write, you're more narrative than descriptive, and that's what I want to achieve for myself though, I think your story could be better if you put a little more emotion. You're doing a great job of showing the setting found in and actions happening in the story. I think it would be great if you added more feelings. You're going to get the best of both. :)) Plese continue the great job! I'm looking forward to reading more! :) - Songs of an Angel |
Melisa Massacre chapter 7 . 10/29/2007 AH YAY! Thought you forgot about your story. I like this chapter, it has a certain... I dunno how to explain it, but I like it. |
Menadoa chapter 7 . 10/27/2007 Yay for updates. ) Also for prom proposals. That was so cute. But I did feel as though there wasn't enought leading up to it...kinda like they met, they liked each other, and BOOM will you marry me. Other than that, can't wait for the next chapter! |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 6 . 8/10/2007 The writing is still a bit quick, but I really like how you have two stories unfolding at once. I also really like Julia's insistance that Enrique, Leila, and company are all lying about her bring married and having a kid. Alejandro seems pretty quite about the whole thing so far. What does he think about the whole affair? Or is he really just an easy going, accepting kind of guy? |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 5 . 8/10/2007 Oh wow, how embarrassing to have to explain to you mom why your dad is in her bed. Not sure how to deal with that one! Go all the way with the flashbacks, I want to know everything about Julia and Alejandro's relationship. I'm confused about your other question though. Do you mean would Julia pregnant with Enrique at the time of the accident be better? If thats what you mean, I definently think that losing Enrique as a character would be sad. However, the possibilites of a pregnant couple who can't remember each other are promising too... |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 4 . 8/9/2007 There are some very funny lines in this chapter. But I feel obligated to tell you that Julie and Alejandro, as amnesiacs, probably would not be allowed to go home with only their teenage son to care for them. So it's just a tad unrealistic but a good story all the same. |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 3 . 8/9/2007 "Its America. Anything can happen. You are a hot guy from Europe." So true, so true. |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 2 . 8/9/2007 I like the flashback, but the meeting with the mother is a little sparse. |
Allesandra Thornbird chapter 1 . 8/9/2007 Hmm...how to explain to your parent's who they are if they don't remember. Quite an interesting predicament. I like the ideas but the writing is a bit quick. I'm not sure I'm getting the best feel for the story. I'll continue on to see. |
Menadoa chapter 6 . 8/7/2007 I like how you combined the past and the present, with the memories and all. Can't wait for the next chapter! |
Melisa Massacre chapter 6 . 8/6/2007 ] Woo. It does sound a bit Potter-ish, But awesome nonetheless. 3 |
Tigerlillium chapter 5 . 7/25/2007 Great story. has a wonderful plot and the charcters leave you wondering what will happen next. I think that either strictly high school or to and beyond the marriage would work. It just depends on how you want the story to go. Do you want them to regain their memories little by little, leading up to their teenage son? Or do you want them to stay as their high school selves mentally? Or do you want them to stay as high schoolers mentally until something or someone hits them (figurativly or literally) and they regain there adult memories? It all depends on where the story is going to go. As for the teen vs. baby: I think teen works better because he can help his parents by showing them little things to try and help them remember. Also could you imagine waking up in a hospital, not only missing 18 yrs. of your life and not knowing it, but also for Julia to find out she's pregnant without any memory of how she got that way? Normally, to me at least, that would scream drunk and/or drugged and raped. |
Cashaholic chapter 5 . 7/18/2007 This chapter is much more descriptive then the last. Good job in this one! Oh, and there are finally some fluff happening between Alejandro and Julia. And I love every bit of it! And about your questions at the end of the chapter, I think you should leave the flashbacks at high school for the time being and when the real relationship between the amnestic couple starts to heat up, then you can go on and talk about their marriage and life afterwards. Secondly, your original plan for Julia to be pregnant with Enrique will be more realistic for such a young couple. Also, Julia and Alejandro will probably be about 25 or younger if she is only pregnant and this makes most of the reader here able to relate more to the story, as most readers here tend to be quite young at age. However, your plot now is still very enticing. Enrique as a teenager works pretty well as well. As a relationship between Enrique and Sanjana, really adds life to the story. Besides, I guess a teenage son will be more helpful in reforging a lost relationship then a few months old fetus. haha. Anyway, all in all, I am just saying the both versions of the plot are really good. And so is your story! Good job and update soon! I love cash |
Cashaholic chapter 4 . 7/18/2007 Hello, it's me again, sorry, I haven't reviewed this story in a while. But now, I'm actually reviewing for reviewer's found. Alright, first thing first, I really like the flashbacks of Alejandro and Julia. They really make the story on the whole more vivid. The plot, as I have mentioned before, is absolutely amazing. New and unique. Nice. Secondly, I don't really see much language mistakes in the chapter, which is pretty hard to accomplish, I must say. However, I think you might want to add a bit more descriptions to your writing to make it seem more realistic and lively. But despite that, the story is great so far. I love cash |