Reviews for Bleeding Sunset
sherry1995 chapter 2 . 4/8/2014
I can't wait to read more
KitBunny chapter 2 . 6/19/2007
This is great so far! Update soon please!
Maline Elensar chapter 2 . 6/14/2007
interesting so far please continue
Methuselah Renard chapter 2 . 6/11/2007
I read the prologue and first chapter and I think it's ok so far.

The most important suggestion I have is to go back over what you've written and check for any spelling mistakes, grammar errors, and the such. I noticed you left out a few simple words in some of your sentences like "and" and there are minor spelling mistakes like writing "than" as "then." While the writing is still understandable, it could impede the reader and prevent him from moving with the flow of the story.

Are the names like Amunet and Sekani real Egyptian names? I like how you make constant references to the gods and goddesses of Egyptian mythology, even though they aren't direct characters in the plot.

I can't really think of any suggestion for the plot itself, but towards the beginning, you described Amunet as being fair-skinned and having red hair. That probably isn't a good idea if you want to depict her as being thoroughly Egyptian because Egyptians typically had dark tanned skin from being out in the hot desert sun and their hair also tended to be black, like it always is in temple murals. You usually wouldn't find red-haired individuals outside northern Europe, like Scandinavia and Ireland. However, if you're trying to be different and avoid stereotypes, I understand.
The Celtic Bard chapter 2 . 6/10/2007
Just a couple things:

1) 'Amunet usually only works for a couple of hours and heads off to quarrel with the town boys.'

You've changed the time thing from past to present. Instead of 'works' it should be 'worked' judging by your previous sentences.

2) 'Amunet watched how the men fought, “Hey you know little girls can’t fight! Go back to playing with dolls Amunet!” Laughed a couple of older boys as Amunet turned around slowly with such rage in her eyes it could have burned the skin off the three boys.'

This is just poorly written try re-writing it.

Otherwise it's fine although you might want to go over it again and fix some knots. Places that aren't as fleshed out as others.
The Celtic Bard chapter 1 . 6/10/2007
That's a great prelude, gives just a tease, just enough to make you come begging back for more.
one mourning dove chapter 2 . 6/9/2007
Hi there,

This chapter wasn't boring at all! Amunet seems to have quite a temper doesn't she? The plot was very interesting, and you really fell into a groove as the story progressed. I could tell that you started to become more comfortable with the writing. But watch out in the first paragraph or two the writing feels a little awkward. Nothing wrong with it really, but it might flow better if you shifted some words around.

I can't wait for the next installment!
A. Barone chapter 2 . 6/8/2007
I'm intrigued. I love Egyptian stories, and this one looks interesting... I'll have to keep a weathered eye on my review update to see when this one is updated.
Glindalin chapter 2 . 6/8/2007
I like it! Keep it up!
moonlitrainfall chapter 1 . 6/2/2007
I love the idea! I love the way you explained everything. You should write more to the story!
one mourning dove chapter 1 . 5/25/2007
I smell possibilities! Please add more soon :D

~one mourning dove
Maisha Mafuriko chapter 1 . 5/25/2007
Can feel the "action" as it were in the line, "No wind could catch her." Can envision her on horseback racing on the sands of Egypt...then again perhaps horses are not the mode of transportation in your story...guess I shall have to wait for more of the story...