|Reviews for Dark Light|
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 6 . 11/20/2007
Good chapter as again. Never imagine Hroth will help Kenna. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking him as one of the baddies lol! XD Anyway, the last part id definitely a cliffie. Just wondering what the girl said about two days becoming one... I have this feeling that there may be some pursuit party soon as well... anyway, I wonder what is it that makes the scale pulse at the end though... anyway, on to the next chapter! :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 5 . 11/15/2007
Dude, that was some cliffie you've got here... anyway, again good chapter with all the detailed descriptions... anyway, just one CC I can come up with is that maybe you can portray Kenna's memories in the form of flashback. In this way, it's more easier to manage the details on the whole. As for Nomel, I'll be expecting to see some character developments for him in the future. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Thanks very much for your reviews on Wolfblood btw. Hope to see more of them soon! Bye! :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 11/15/2007
Well, good chapter here as always... just a few CCs here and that is firstly, you can add in more details in your fighting scenes. Secondly, you can basically do a detailed description of the donileel since I don't have any idea on what a donileel looks like in an overall sense. Apart from that, nothing to suggest. Anyway, it seems that the big meanie is on the move now, huh? And guess Nomel will also play a certain part in this story as well... anyway, thanks very much for your reviews on Wolfblood as of now. Sorry to hear about your injury... anyway, hope to see more of your reviews soon! Bye! :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 11/14/2007
Well, quite some time since I've reviewed this... anyway, on the whole, I think this chapter's rather well done in terms of description. I personally like the part on the sword and dragon scale pendant. It seems like some cool fantasy anime and I'm looking forward to see where you will go from there in terms of the significance of these weapons... anyway, I guess maybe you intend the whole Hroth part to be some part of the plot from what I've seen, huh? ;) Anyway, I do think the whole fish catching part is rather interesting. Just don't know if it can really be done in real life lol! XD Anyway, really hope to see your reviews for my stories soon. I think you've reviewed one chapter of one of my stories Wolfblood. Hope to see more that soon! Bye! :)
| Kyllex chapter 13 . 11/10/2007
Ooh, awesome chapter! Sorry for reviewing late. Oh no! Aurora!
| Luna Swanrita Bonita chapter 13 . 11/10/2007
oh i love cliffys! sry im a little hyper right now. im allowed to put things up but i ay not be able to until like tues bc i hav a huge literary anaylysis due mon. ugh. i understand about the skol thing. it make it allmost impossible to get anything else done. oh wel keep writing uv got potential so dont b discouraged.
p.s.:i almost forgot! the first story im doing is one that iv just started. its about a princess ho is taken away when her father and betrothed die in a battle making her queen to save her from the invading forces until her kingdom can amass an army to take back the land. oh and im trying somthin different this time, every other chaoter is in liike fprmal speech. its kinda interesting to writ butwhen i get it up tell me what u think! :) choa
| iflip4dolphins chapter 13 . 11/9/2007
I AM SO SORRY!
I was working on another story, one that I've actually thought out all the way and will be posting chapter one shortly. This one will be continued! I saer! Anyways, on to comments.
Firstly: Well done on your punctuation. I'm seeing a big difference, but you're starting to miss some comma's. Other than that, great job!
Secondly: THe story line is really grabbing me. Aurora, Nomel, and Kenna are great characters, and I can tell that they eac have different personalities, and that gives the story more plaot. Too many people give all their characters the same personality. It drives me crazy!
And Thirdly: Shaft? Kilileo twins? It gives me enourmous pleasure to see how well you're discribing these new things that no one has ever heard of before. Your discriptions are excellent.
| Lumaris chapter 13 . 11/9/2007
omg... what could happen to Aurora? :S I'm guessing the violet-blue eyes were those of the Shaft? If not, then I'm really curious now :o This is getting better and better - can't wait for the next chapter!
The overall quality of the text is pretty darn good o.O You do really good with the descriptions - although I did find a couple errors. Nothing big, just mispelled words, probably typos or Fictionpress doing... sometimes FP messes up the document and creates errors when there are none heh..
Anyway, great chapter ! Can't wait for the next one :D
P.S. I read your profile - sorry bout your elbow :( hope it gets better soon!
| Luna Swanrita Bonita chapter 12 . 11/6/2007
i really liked this story actually and i was suprissed because ur writing style is alot like mine. i dont hav any stories up right now bc i just got a new account here and i cant until two more days. writing and reading r my biggest hobbies but i havnt been writing for very long so i kinda suck. well i think so, even though i won some honors award for a story i wrote back in sixth grade. but watever. im looking forward to ur nxt chptr! :D ttyl
| Need 'n' Know chapter 1 . 11/4/2007
You don't have to return any favors, please, cuz... well, no point.
"What's the matter, Gille?" asked Kenna gently.
When Kenna is talking to Gille, there should be a comma, because um... can't explain it. xP
You missed a period at the end of the third paragraph. O_o Weird.
And too many pronouns? Like, instead of, "She felt bad about lying to him, but she knew..." you should try, "But the knowledge that he would sleep better overcame the guilt." Or it's just me. I'm picky, have you noticed. U_U
You have a lot of long sentences, I've noticed. Nothing wrong with that, wanting to merely point it out, is all.
One more thing, Kenna's name was repeated way too many times. We all know it's from Kenna's perspective here, so you can use some pronouns instead. And, no, don't change to 1st POV unless you ULTIMATELY feel that it is necessary to do so (I prefer 3rd omniscient).
Lol, I wanted to say "fruitful sleep." I like fruits, so yes, personal preference with the elppa fruit there.
Interesting. It came out slow, the way a fantasy out to be, introducing Kenna and her past and not simply going to say that she and Gille are friends and who Katrina is. The history adds to that, yes.
I hope I can remember all this when I return. Sorry, it's late and... T_T I'll continue later.
You use "its" and your possessive nouns/etc. right, good!
Need 'n' Know
And if I have any error in this review... aw, man...
| Lord Leachim chapter 3 . 10/27/2007
another fine chapter, shorter than the last, but one huge thing stuck out at me.
"There was always a strange look veiling her eyes. Sometimes it held wonder and amazement and others it held a chilling stare of horror, like a memory that came back after it had been desperately pushed under others."
get rid of that sentence. no one would say something like that, it sounds like narrative. i actually thought you had forgotten to put the end quotations in and had switched to narrative. it just sounds totally wrong.
also, you say kenna's mother had a friend in another village. again, i think you need to explain a little about the way the villages interact with each other. was kenna's father from an enemy village or something, and if so, how could he and kenna's mother possibly have even met? i'm still unsure about why the villagers think kenna's mother was a traitor in the first place.
| Lord Leachim chapter 2 . 10/27/2007
i think it would help if you tried to explain more about why the villagers hate her. i'm afraid i just don't buy the scene where that girl attacks her because they think the plague is her fault.
i mean, some chick gets pregnant by someone from another village, and that's like the worst thing in the world? you might want to explain why the villagers feel that way. and they blame kenna for the plague? why, cause her mother got pregnant? it just doesn't follow much logic. if she was truly that hated and feared by the village, they would have driven her away long before now.
also, in my last review i said that it doesn't matter that the storyline seems common. but this chapter made it way too obvious. when the healer said "i think you are the one who is destined to save us," i almost laughed. it was just too much.
honestly, make it less like some kind of prophecy. the whole "outcast who is destined to save the world" storyline is overused and cliche. i think it would be much better from a realistic point of view for the healer to just say, "you're the only healthy person left in the village, so you're the only one who can get us the medicine we need." especially since everyone else in the village despises her, why would the healer trust her so much when no one else does?
i'm just commenting on the plot here. the writing was actually excellent. the description of the village at the beginning of the chapter was fantastic.
| Lord Leachim chapter 1 . 10/27/2007
i got your message, and sorry it took me awhile to get around to reading this. you're the first person to ever request a review from me.
this first chapter is really good. good vocabulary, strong descriptions, a well-paced introduction to the story. lots of writers have trouble combining narrative and dialogue, putting all the exposition into a few paragraphs and then having a bunch of dialogue. mixing the background information into the scene makes it much smoother to read. good job there.
you have some surprisingly negative reviews for the first chapter and i don't think you deserve them. personally, i'm not big on dragons. and i'm not big on the overused "lonely child who will save the world" plot line. but i have no problems with this so far.
you focus on the situation at hand, the disease, and drop in bits of kenna's background along way. you don't explain kenna's background at length, you use details of her past to explain her situation in this chapter. it makes her relationship with gille and katrina the focus point of the chapter. it doesn't sound like you're just giving us boring details about her tragic past as a way to foreshadow her importance.
yes, the story seems like it will follow a predictable pattern. but so do hundreds of thousands of other stories, even famous ones. coming up with a truly original story line is damn near impossible these days. lord of the rings is essentially a "good versus evil" story and its the most famous fantasy story ever written.
yes, you have run-on sentences. big deal. you don't have any horrific spelling mistakes, and those are so much worse. your sentences tended to run-on because you were trying to pack too much information into them, not because you were just lazy. so i can forgive that.
all in all, i'd say this is very well done.
| Kyllex chapter 12 . 10/23/2007
Awesome chapter! Sorry I didn't review earlier, I was busy. Well, great chapter, it explained a lot! I wonder who the woman is?
Well, update soon!
| King of Kings chapter 1 . 10/20/2007
I thought this was an excellent start, and I will most definately be reading on to see what happens. However, there were a few things I thought I'd point out, I don't know if you're already aware of them or not: '...even the acute sense of smell that a human nose held could detect it easily.' - this...doesn't seem right to me. I think what you're trying to point out here is that the air is thick with the smell (which is something I know it would be ToT), but the way you worded it just seems...off. 'Acute' means very strong. Maybe: '...that the acute sense of smell a human nose held could detect it easily'. -shrugs- You perhaps should cut the 'even'.
'...Kenna willing worked...' - this seems off, too. Either, 'Kenna was willing to work', or, 'Kenna willingly worked'...maybe a typo? XD
'...complicated network of intricate lines...' - That's a little repetative. 'intricate' and 'complicated' mean roughly the same things. No fault there, I have a problem with redundancy, too. XD
You did say this needed some grammatical editing, so I'm putting in my two-cents, if you don't mind. I loved this, though; I'm very interested to see where this goes. Aside from the various grammar mistakes, it was very well written. Nicely done! ;)