I love this. You've got so much going on, but it all seems to fit together, especially how the last line ties it up.

crazy. when i'm in 'bookstores' watching ppl drink coffee etc, i jot down one-liner notes/descriptions.

a lot like this.

but you tied them together with questions. which i think really works.

there were a couple of times in this where my heart didn't stop exactly, but it sort of sank a little because there are a couple of places in this that are just incredible.

ie "blistered feet turn burnt and black

writing pseudo-inspirational quotes on coffee-stirrers

and shoving them in the perfectly manicured green

like headstones"

holy wow.

i sort of didn't like that there were no stanza breaks.

the stage directions were pretty sparkling. they remind me of a technique that the author of 'the brightest ring of angels around heaven' (not very great book at all btw) did. but i really liked that chapter. he wrote it as if on stage, using no puntucation etc.

anyway, it's a very awesome poem.

nice job.