I like the beginning of this story. It really held my interest as I became curious over the characters and their abilities.

The ONLY thing I was confused about was why Caeylia didn't tell her audience to be quiet and just suddenly became angry that they weren't. If you could explain that, this would be a perfect beginning to a story.

Although, now looking back, I guess she was just expecting everyone to silence themselves when they saw her on the podium. Hmmmm

Just a teensy bit of description of that scene would help with this confusion :P

[silently ordering each and every one of them to shut up. Not a single one listened] While I liked the beginning as a whole in general because you immediately set the tone for a fantasy world, I was a little unsure about this sentence. If Caeylia silently ordered the creatures to shut up, how could they listen? Unless, of course, it’s intended sarcasm.

I like the premise of your story, with a bunch of young fairy creatures trying to rebel against their fate. I think you have a lot of interesting plots to play with. At the same time, I thought this was a little rushed, you might want to introduce each concept gradually.

Happy writing!

~Merle

very good description and the introduction was capturing as well . Its a good story..cant wait for the next chapter

The good: descriptive.

The bad: How do i pronounce her name?

Btw, is this some sort of Twilight and The Host inspired? the mind-barrier thing. i'm just asking.

anyway,

good luck, yo.

-threm.

I really like how you show the situations happening, the dialogue, the characterization, the imagery. Well written.

Just one small correction: in the dialogue sentence: “'How many moons till you've completed you eighteenth year?'", "you" should be "your"

Caeylia - how do you pronounce her name? o_O When I read, I hear my own voice in my head saying the words as I go, so it really annoys me when I have no clue how a name/word is pronounced. The "y" just really seems unnecessary: as a vowel, it contributes nothing (Caelia or Caylia or Ceylia would suffice); as a consonant, it is unpronounceable. I suggest omitting it entirely, though this is just a personal pet peeve of mine.

I only caught one spelling mistake which was very good. "The tips for her beautiful..." The "for" should be "of". You should fix this as quickly as possible since it is so near the start of the story.

What he did in there Caeylia didn't even know. - Was this meant to be ominous/create an air of secrecy surrounding Aiden? Because if it was, it failed, mainly because it has been so overused in writing. If it was intended to show that Caeylia was uninterested in knowing/did not know what Aiden does, "to do his own thing" or something else along those lines would be more effective.

Caeylia strikes me as far to immature to be a leader of anything. I don't see why anyone listens to her; even if she is very powerful (which she seems to be), no one really pays any heed to someone they deem immature, even if they have a really great idea. About the only thing I can say so far about Aiden is that he seems quite diligent and secretive, but that's mainly because he hasn't said much. Overall, I felt that there wasn't much characterization in this chapter, Caeylia aside, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

The plot/world could be a tad more obvious, I think. So far, barring the summary, all the reader knows is that Caeylia and Aiden are planning to run away from a school, probably from the abuse Daimen is facing. There is magic and an assortment of mythical creatures in this world, and everyone in the school probably possesses magic of some sort. Other than that, everything else is pretty much a blank slate and leaves the reader sort of drifting about aimlessly, wondering what is going on and why it is important. Combined with a sparseness of characterization, and there really isn't much to keep a reader want to read on.

Overall, though, I do think the idea behind this is very intriguing. The first chapter just needs a bit of tightening up plot-wise. A bit more action or introduction to the world through the characters (which can easily double as a way of characterizing them) are some options. I do look forward to seeing what you'll do with this story, regardless. :D

Hye, nice opening chapter. Two things. The Good: your style is not too heavy, but doesn't rip us off of information. It's a perfect balance. The Bad: you kind of just jumped into the story and rushed it from there. I guess a way to fix this would be to show Caeylia perparing for the meeting or meeting with Aiden privately before the meeting. Overall, nice job.

Keep writing!

-DV-

Cool start, but I'm trying to figure out how the humans were able to control all the magical creatures who obviously have more power over them. Still, I like the beginning.

I think your concept is really cool! Very much a classic science fiction plot, but with a twist. I also liked your main character, she was fiesty and interesting. However, I did get a bit lost in the whole thing. Why do they have to escape? I would be good if you added this info in somehow, so we know the reasons she wants to escape, and why maybe some people don't. (Also when she sees Damien all battered and beaten, you could probably use some more interesting imagery than 'his back was all torn up'. Just a suggestion.)

Keep writing though, its very interesting.

Oh, nice story! I'll admit I didn't like that some parts of it were a bit confusing since we don't completely know what's going on yet, but with how you've set it up it seems like you know exactly where you're going with this, and I'm sure you'll reveal more to us later. Anyway, you do very well with descriptions and imagery and your characters seem likable, so I look foward to getting know more about them. It looks like you've got something really good here, so please update soon!

Review Game:

I liked your imagery. This is insanly important in a fantasy because you are in essence creating a new world outside the readers sheme of reference. The description of the garden was a great example of this.

I'd like to suggest a title but I can't. That's because I have no idea what's going on! All we got from this chap is that creatures are escaping. I'm guessing more info would be provided in future chaps but still...

The characters hooked me though so I shall continue to read.

Nicki BluIs

Your dialogue was interesting and kept me intrigued. The descriptions of the characters added to my liking of the story as well.

However, I saw some grammatical errors that interrupted the flow of the story and would have liked to see more characterization/character development and description of the setting.

I liked your writing style, and like the way you've handled the plot in this. You put the reader right into the action in your own way...no character introductions, and no real idea what's going on. I also liked the subtle hints you gave about the current situation: headmaster, so I would assume they're in a school, the ambiance of psychic abilities...I'd go into more detail, but I'm trying to keep this short, you know? Anyway, I just looked back and read the summary (yup, I picked this because I was looking at you as an author!) and it seems very interesting. Hopefully you pick me...;)

Anyway, for the small negatives of the review. I think that you need to work a little more with Caeylia (great name) as a character. Right now, she's coming across as having a great deal of...well...everything that others don't have, in a way. It's nothing really serious, but you need to work on her bad side a little, I would say. Or work on more aspects of her character... like I said, this isn't really a big deal at this point, since this is the first chapter. I'm splitting hairs here, talking about something that could happen a few chapters from now.

You should be a little more specific with the shapechanging, etc. When I first opened this, I actually thought that Caeylia was a horse. I know, this is what I get for not reading the summary, perhaps, but you're too vague. The small crowd of creatures...thought those could be anything. Aiden almost seemed like her handler when he was calming her down. I would go back over this first paragraph when you've worked your way further into this story, and make the opening more consistent with the rest of the story.

You had a couple small typos that mostly involved spacing and punctuation in quotes (hopefully I'm giving you enough here for you to just use the find function on your browser):

-"Whenever I reach out to him all I see is a heavy gray fog”" Put in your stop here.

-"As though reading her mind he said“I was trying to find him.”" he said, "I...him."

-"Caeylia stared deep into the fog, imagining (that) that a powerful wind was slowly blowing it away." She's looking at the pond, for context. Um...what's with the (that)? Other than that the sentence seems fine...O.O

-"Slowly, but surely, sections of the fog began blowing away, and behind them Caeylia could see the clouded silhouette of a person." Okay, I'm straying from just talking about typos, but this sentence would be more effective if you changed it a bit. See, once the fog blows away, the person isn't technically behind them anymore...so this sentence confuses a little. I think you should change it to "...away, /revealing/ the clouded...person." Or something similar, 'the fog' is functioning badly in the prepositional phrase you got there. Oh, and in the whole passage about the fog blowing, you use the word fog a little too much. It's nothing too bad, just a note.

-"Caeylia felt like crying. What have they done to you? My poor beautiful Damien." This is a bit of personal preference, but I think you should put a comma after crying, and italicize the rest of this bit. Just something to indicate thought instead of narrative. You could also wrap it with single quotes. (I'm not sure whether this is actually a rule or not, but I've never read a book in the third person where thoughts weren't specially indicated in some way).

-"Aiden turned back towards the school and started walking, his was of saying that this conversation was over." Was should be way, I think. Tell you the truth, I'm not digging your way of writing this sentence; I think it clashes with your style through the rest of the piece...

-"“Caeylia, trust me,” Aiden said. “We must leave tomorrow.” Caeylia agreed reluctantly. She knew that Aiden must have a good reason for not telling her, and she trusted him completely, but she just really wanted to know .

"“Then I’ll go and get everything that I think we’ll need, as planned, and you -”

"“I’ll talk to all of the people who might want to come with us,” Caeylia interrupted." You've arranged the speakers a little oddly here. It seems as though it goes Aiden, Cae, Aiden. However, you actually meant for it to be Aiden, Aiden, Cae...you should put all of Aiden's words in one paragraph to clarify, since it doesn't seem as though the paragraphed spacing has any real significance.

Okay, that was a long review...well, you see that I like to go in depth! If you pick me, I'll be going into even more detail. Overall, this is good work. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Hey, I really like your story. The characters are fairly believable- and the names are perfect! Caeylia... what a sweet name! You just have a few typos- just some spacing issues.

The flow of the story is a tiny bit choppy though, so try to make the transitions more smooth.

I love it. Your attention to deail is brilliant. Your writing style is also brilliant, the start was really cool to.

P.S.

Could you review, How to kill a demon, Book one. Please.