|Reviews for Emery & Me|
| S. Eli -not active chapter 11 . 8/31/2010
Here’s my review for Emery and Me:
First of all, I commend you on the execution of this story—through the major plot points; you’ve successfully created an emotionally charged conflict as well as likeable characters. I do have problems with this piece, however, and in my strenuous efforts to better the greater works of FictionPress, this review is composed of mostly constructive criticism that you can choose to or choose not to follow. But it did take a long time to construct, so I’d appreciate a little appreciation. :)
Okay, I commend you on your writing style in this piece only because in a world of over-exaggerated heroines with no REAL personality, you made Bronwyn a realistic kind of quirky. You did slip into the mediocre sense of random dialogue every now and then (i.e., comments that don’t fit the situation, and have no real purpose for the story), but overall you kept the dialogue snappy and fresh. In the future, though, try to stay away from the trap of cheap laughs—don’t force funny dialogue in a serious moment, because—sure, the tweens will love it, but—the refined will press the back button quick. I am somewhere in-between the two, so it annoyed me a bit, but I kept reading because it was enjoyable in its own way.
Next, your plot: I think that most people touch on this plot but don’t really explore the main character’s feelings efficiently. You did. I have a sister, and although I’m pretty much sure this situation would never happen to us (we have a completely different taste in guys right down to the physical appearance and ethnicity), you effectively conveyed believable feelings that one would feel in the circumstance. I WOULD feel as if I was betraying my sister, and I probably would have sacrificed him. It has nothing to do with a self-sacrificing personality; it’s just what I would do. So I do praise you on that, as well.
You also kept the reader interested with the sister’s mysterious behavior. I specifically thought (back in chapter three or four) that Amber was pregnant. And then Bronwyn said there was no way, and I took her word for it. So then, I remember thinking, in these exact mental words: “Okay, I’m gonna keep reading so I can find out what the hell is wrong with this chick.” And for the simple fact that you made me think that is genius. Really—that’s what writing is about.
However, the romantic interest between Emery and Bronwyn start a bit late. Sure, I think everything worked out fine and from what everyone said they would make a good couple, but she didn’t even realize he was any sort of attractive until the seventh chapter. As opposed to Cobe (I have no idea how to pronounce his name—Coby? Cob, as in corn-on-the? Cobe as in rhymes-with-globe?), whom she confessed an attraction for much earlier on. This late interest sort of worked against you, because I didn’t see Emery as anyone but another Matt until the elevator situation, which was in—what, the eleventh chapter? I hardly thought it was anything to ruin sisterhood over.
That’s basically why I’m “Team Cobe/Coby/Cob.” Emery and Bronwyn, to be frank, seemed the equivalent of meeting a hot guy at a bar and pursuing. Cobe seemed more like fate had brought them together (but that sounds overly dramatic. Whatever), but once she realized Emery was attractive, she dropped him like a stomach on Two-Face. And not in a “I’m having an epiphany—I’m in love with Emery!” sort of way, but in a “I never even liked him and I don’t know why he talked to me in the first place” way. That doesn’t sit right with me.
Okay, enough rambling and picking apart that one aspect. I’ll move on: Your Characters. Now, Bronwyn has been seen many times before and I’m pretty sure she won’t be the last Bronwyn around. The selfless, eccentric, oblivious girl who tries to make everyone happy. She’s not particularly a bad MC, it’s just that she has what I like to call Fail-Free-Flaws. You’re playing it safe with her, because her flaws are things like being TOO selfless and being naïve. But everyone will love her and think she’s a good guy because she would do anything for the people she loves. She doesn’t do anything wrong—she doesn’t even really make mistakes. It’s as if this situation just happened to her and she made all the right choices. It makes for a likeable character, but not an interesting story.
Next, Amber. Now, Amber is also being a bit of a cookie cutter. The sister that has everything but doesn’t realize it and/or is too jealous of her other sister to care. I think that in order for someone to once have been confident enough to confront guys and have the gall to tell her sister to stay away from their boyfriend—they couldn’t have been as simplistic as Amber. She’s just a normal antagonist and the only redeeming thing she’d done was tell her sister to go after Emery. And that wasn’t all that redeeming, to be honest. Bronwyn should have done that from the start.
Next, Emery. He is probably the most unique character in the story. He still slips into clichés, but it’s never too bad. He’s the one with the bad qualities and good qualities, which makes me actually like him. He smokes (I wish he’d kept smoking so that it wouldn’t have been such a useless characteristic in the end), he hangs with the wrong crowd, he ditches, he has/had a hardcore girlfriend, and he cheats on her, too. But he also has a sense of humor, dotes on his younger sister (cliché), has weird music tastes, and dresses like a little skateboarder/scene kid. Now weigh his good and bad qualities and then weigh Bronwyn’s and you’ll see what I was talking about with you playing it safe with her.
Finally, Cobe/Coby/Corn-on-the-Cob. What a useless character. No, really—he’s my favorite, but in the end he turned out to be useless, and had no meaning whatsoever. Sure, he was the one who made Bronwyn realize she liked Emery, but such a generic conversation could’ve been with anyone. Hell, I could picture Opal saying “You can’t take your eyes off’a my Jackie, can you?” My sweet little Cobe—I think you should just nix him, because like I said earlier, if anything he just confused me. Bronwyn flirted with him like she really liked him and then forgot about him like she didn’t. So…yeah. He had no purpose (but you can give him to me. I’ll give him one if you know what I mean.)
Overall, this was a short, but satisfying read. I would have liked it better if you hadn’t played it so safe with everything. It kept this story at so-so/good, but with a few unconventional touches, it could’ve been great. My overall advice to you is: Don’t be afraid to push the envelope. And I’m not talking, “Hey, make Bronwyn even crazier and Nathan (whom I DO like) even more random!” I’m talking, Emery-is-addicted-to-drugs-and-can’t-quit, Amber-is-pregnant-with-Emery’s-child, Bronwyn’s-mother-gets-laid-off types of “push the envelope.”
I did like this though. I told you at the beginning, this is all really just criticism (I’m not sure if the constructiveness is implied, or if I haven’t given any real constructive criticism. Hopefully, I did.) Okay, this is the end of this long essay.
| heelsovrhead chapter 3 . 8/28/2010
kso, i was suppose to review for last chapter. but i pressed the go button.
but but but.
i just wanted to say that :O you listen to sufjan stevens?
sorry, but a lot of people don't and they're missing out...
& i love your story.
your into doesn't drag on like a lot of writers i've been reading.
i really enjoy it! :)
| dipintheriverstyx chapter 18 . 8/27/2010
Absolutly amazing story!
You deserve more than just 10 reviews. WAY more!
| MrsHellman chapter 18 . 8/26/2010
I just have to tell you! Major thing here! When they were caught kissing, the teacher addressed Emery as Mr Jones, but Cobe said that they were named Joseph in the chapter where Opal had a party.
| Hmm chapter 18 . 8/26/2010
I really loved this. Though I hated Amber, ugh. I felt sorry for Cobe though. Can I have him? :3
Heh. I just wanted to say this is really great. Well written and everything. Thank you for this.
| Rae Alex89 chapter 18 . 8/24/2010
I want you to know that I absolutely ADORED this story! I mean, I hated her sister the whole time, but I loved it. You truly conveyed the complex relationships between siblings and how it effects friendships. Thank YOU for writing!
| AuraVybrid chapter 18 . 8/21/2010
two words FUCKING AWESOME !
| Not one for sanity chapter 1 . 8/15/2010
OMG, I hadn't even noticed that I had read another one of your stories before: no wonder I Loved this one as wellD
| Not one for sanity chapter 18 . 8/15/2010
Normally I hate love triangles D but this one was pretty amazing! Awesome story, I loved Bronny's personality and and Matt's random thoughtsD and the attraction between Emery and Bronny was WOW. I do feel a bit bad for Cobe, he seemed pretty damn amazing too. Loved this story so much!
| gulistanlik chapter 17 . 8/7/2010
Amber's being unfair. She doesn't give, too! So many times Bronwyn wanted to be closer to her and Amber pushed her away!
| gulistanlik chapter 13 . 8/7/2010
I want to hurt Amber so bad for not trusting her sister. She's valuing Emery more than her sister. That's not fair.
| gulistanlik chapter 11 . 8/7/2010
Gosh when is Bronwyn going to realise that Amber is being unfair to her?
| gulistanlik chapter 10 . 8/7/2010
What is Amber's problem? Someone needs to slap her hard to reverse the damage that must've happened when she was dropped on the head as a baby!
| gulistanlik chapter 7 . 8/7/2010
Wait aren't Bronwyn and Andrea juniors and Amber a senior?
| gulistanlik chapter 3 . 8/7/2010
Okay I'm not sure of whether to be irritated or worried with Amber's behaviour.