|Reviews for Origin Storm|
| Kristina Suko chapter 1 . 6/8/2007
"god" and any form of it is only capitalized when speaking of Jehovah.
"The Dark Wars were finally over and the young Gods decided that now is the time to rest." Rewording suggestion, since this is supposed to be past tense. "The Dark Wars were finally over, and the young gods decided that it was time to rest"
“And why not use the other red planet behind us." - Question mark, not period.
"Gavatrix is the God of Gravity," Since you described all the other gods as "was", you should say "Gevatrix was the god of Gravity" or change all the other "was" to "is". And the sentence after that also depends on whether you say was or is.
"“…this planet is the perfect distance to its sun. " FROM its sun.
"At this spot is the perfect distance to where we can truly settle down and rest.”- what has distance got to do with this sentence? Distance to what? Why not just say "This spot is the perfect place for us to truly settle down and rest." ?
"An Angel hasn’t been birthed..." hadn't. Had not, actually, if you're wanting to be formal in the writing. Contractions are generally a no-no.
"A young God, or Angel, was about to be born." VERY redundant sentence. If you want to insert that an Angel is a young god, put it in the previous two sentences where you're stating that they're gonna have an Angel and it's rare.
"Gavatrix strengthen the planet’s gravity." Strengthened
"Stratos and Aguatiya named him, Thunder." No comma
"As the years passed, Thunder grew, and so did his power, but there was something missing. "- As the years passed, Thunder grew, as did his power. But there was something missing.
"Eventually, his mother gave him an emerald that has been passed down by the Water Gods with each new generation." HAD been, not has been. Past tense, remember? ;)
"Thunder new that if anyone could ..." Knew.
"Once more, I appaligize." Apologise
"Thunder traveled to the ocean, and summond his mother from its depths." No comma, and summonEd
"What is it's purpose?" No apostrophe in "its"
"Aguatiya, God of Water, raised her arms into the air which raised the water beneath her into the palm of Thunder's hand, enriching the blue jewel." She would be a goddess, wouldn't she? and "raised her arms into the air, bringing the water beneath her into the palm of Thunder's hand, enriching the blue jewel" So you're not repetitive with "raising"
"It seemed that, Rain, was expecting him." No commas
"Thunder watched in awe as the thin energized charge striked in its focused precision." Struck, not striked.
" there was a huge flash of light that could've been seen off the planet. " Could have? Why not just state "was" seen off the planet?
"him as it slowly lost it's " Its, no apostrophe... or however you spell that...
"Rain was so amazed at the marvel, that he stood in shock and awaited his brother's return." No comma.
"he congradulated" CongraTulated.
"but could only be unlocked by the descendents of the original, Water God." No comma, and descendAnts.
"For generations, young Angels will here" hear.
Well. Don't be discouraged by all the little typos. I'm just picky, you know me. lol. Cute story! It should be illustrated and made into a kid's book. (that's a complement) I liked it.
~Bleeding Rose, aka Snowflake, aka Maranwe Telrunya. lol.