|Reviews for Wizards of St Bernistades|
| celestial tears chapter 3 . 9/30/2008
It has been a while since I have written a review for this story and it's so freaking interesting. Anyway, great chapter ofcourse and now I off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of St. Bernistades...yeah I know, lame. ;-)
| MomsDarkSecret chapter 19 . 10/7/2007
Twilight-Ember, I've decided to split my review into two parts: an artistic review and a technical critique. I'll provide the technical critique separately in a private message. The artistic review follows.
The plot of your story is fairly standard fantasy fair. That's not a bad thing; there really aren't that many original ideas out there. (My own stories are certainly no exception. I would never claim my ideas are stunningly new.) What makes or breaks a story in my opinion are the characters. A reader has to care about what happens to the characters in a story to be fully engaged by the story. No amount of technical perfection and shining originality will help if the charaters are dull, flat and uninteresting. With that in mind, let me say that I like your characters. Nareh's emotional confusion over the changes in Vino and her own feelings for Donis feel genuine. However, I think your story would benefit from more exposition. Some of the scenes in the early chapters with Vino, especially the train station incident, were exciting while providing insight into his thinking. More scenes like this which allow us to see into the minds of the characters and become more emotionally invested in what happens to them would enhance the story.
Overall, from a story-telling standpoint, I like what you've done. The conflict is believable and the collection of characters are interesting. I think the main area for improvement would be to slow down the story and take more time building the tension between the characters and giving us insight into what motivates them.
I know many people like to distinguish between character-driven stories and action-driven stories, but I see no reason to do that. Any good story has to have solid, interesting characters and to a certain degree they will always drive the action. What you have written so far is a fairly good mix of character and action driven events.
You mentioned that you plan to review and update this story. I would recommend it, but primarily for the technical reasons I'll provide separately. But as you do so, I would recommend reviewing the pace and timing of the story as well. Those moments between the action are when I like to tuck in all the interesting expository bits that flesh my characters out.
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 19 . 10/6/2007
I like how you describe the magic. I could never come up with things like that, and I guess that's why I don't write magical stories. But this is awesome.
Are Donis and Nerah supposed to be together, or Vino and Nerah? Because I like Donis...
| Squallfight08 chapter 1 . 10/6/2007
Wow, this is great!
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 18 . 9/22/2007
Allora has a daughter! Sweet! That's cool.
Again, poor Vino. How many times have I said that? I feel bad for him, but I wonder why he's like this... I like Donis better, though, even though the whole warrior side of Vino is pretty attractive. That makes it just as confusing for Nerah, then, too. Oh, all these characters' lives are so sad!
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 17 . 9/11/2007
Oh, Vino's mean! That's so sad. I liked him at first, but now I like Donis. A lot. He plays the lute! Poor Nerah, she has to suffer all that. Not to mention all the orphans! I can't believe you killed them! The Furgingards will be brought down soon though, right? Please?
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 16 . 9/1/2007
I finally got to read it all!... And now there's nothing left to read. How obvious, and yet how upsetting. Update soon, please!
By the way, I love how the story is unfolding. And the way you spread the romance out around the plot is great, too. Sometimes stories get an uneven balance of that, and for a while it seems like romance with no storyline. But this works well!
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 13 . 9/1/2007
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 9 . 9/1/2007
I've always loved the idea of someone being non-verbal! Maybe from Pirates of the Caribbean, I don't know... But anyway, it was done really well. Sign language would be cool to include, if you know it. I'm off to the next chapter, though!
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 7 . 8/31/2007
Oh, poor Vino! And Nerah... All for the sake of the plot, of course.
I'm loving it, so far. I just wish I had more time to read.
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 3 . 8/24/2007
Slightly confusing, but that's okay. All will be explained in due time, I'm sure.
I love the name Tristan. Just thought I'd mention that.
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 2 . 8/24/2007
Oh, that's so mean to the poor orphans! Quite a bit like my story, actually, in the sadism and pure evil of the Furgingnite people. That always makes for an interesting antagonist, though, so good job so far!
| TheStoryteller19 chapter 1 . 8/23/2007
Your writing style is so elegant and flowing; I love it. It's so descriptive, yet not incredibly wordy. It sounds amazing, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
| celestial tears chapter 2 . 8/8/2007
You expected no reviews, hmm...well you are welcome. The chapter is consistently good just like the other, sad, but similar to how people are in regular ol' life. Ignoring the poor and "livin'" it up. I had a story posted but it was just a single chapter, almost like a sample, just to see what people would make of it. After I found that it was well received I took it down and edited and edited and edited. Consequently, it has now taken a completely different turn and is going to be quite long-so I have to finish ALL of it before I start posting. Jeez I wrote a lot-opps...
| celestial tears chapter 1 . 8/7/2007
Wow, first review? This surprises me considering that this is one of the better...1st chapters that I have read. Good descriptions and appropriate amount of details. I just really enjoyed what I have read so far and I am looking forward to reading the rest.