|Reviews for Confusion|
| SEMMU chapter 1 . 3/19/2008
I agree with Lislie (Sp?)
You have a great idea that needs some formating work and corrections. You would most benefit from stanzas.
Here's a quick suggestion and an attempt not to change your meaning.
Confusion is colors on a piece of paper
that won’t mix together.
It sounds like a party is going on in my head
with screams of pain mixed in.
It tastes like a fish cake with sugar and ketchup,
and icing, and a mysterious ingredent I can’t place.
It smells like cakes and fresh cut grass and sewage.
Confusion feels like being thrown around
without being able to see.
It seems as if you merely decided to quit. Contemplate an ending.
| Mckenzie Drestire chapter 1 . 9/27/2007
Nice, loved the first line that was just great. It didn't seem like you thought the ending through though, ended a bit abruptly, in my opinion if you halved the lines it would flow better as a poem, in it's current form it doesn't so much read like a poem but the beginning of a novel or something. The concept was great, just the form that was a bit strange. Keep Writing.
| jj37362 chapter 1 . 7/27/2007
I liked this. The oratory (sp? I have this thing about liking to use big words without knowing how to spell them. I think that's spelt correctly though...I don't know) imagery was a nice touch. So was all the other imagery, actually. Actually the entire thing was really good.
Just a few things;
The grammar needs some work. You've got some (sorry to say) basic errors in there but nothing that a good beta won't fix. Then again, they could just be typos because lord knows I probably have a good amount of those same errors in my fic but that doesn't mean I don't know the corret thing you know? Also, the first line seems a little off. At least to me it does. Like maybe its missing a few words. I think ( THINK is the key word there. This is JUST my OPINION)it should be: -Confusion is when all the colors are on one piece of paper but they wont mix in together.
And lastly, I think (again, key word) you used the word 'mix' in whatever tense, a little too much.
Don't take this or any of the other critiques you might get too personally. You should take it as a compliment that people are even bothering to show point out your mistakes. I know it is really hard to take criticism but its better than nothing right?
Keep up the good work,
| ihrtbks chapter 1 . 7/25/2007
A little confusing, but I think that's a desired affect. I love your imagery, especially how you took in all the senses. A few grammatical errors: "won't", "tastes", "smells", "feels". Some of the phrasing is a little awkward, but that gives it a raw feel, which is nice.
| hulha chapter 1 . 6/27/2007
i read a few poems on FP, but i've seriously liked yours the best. i read the friends one too, i loved them both.
| castelgard chapter 1 . 6/11/2007
wow.. i really do feel confused!