|Reviews for Aeruti|
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 4 . 9/7/2007
'Orimae let Quefi’s rear hind foot fall...'- 'rear hind' foot? Is that in the back? :)
“Do you wish me to continue keeping an eye on your son?”- this seems a little stilted. It would sound a little more natural, maybe, if she said 'him' instead of 'your son'. But then, Ylhara might well be the sort to sound stilted no matter what she says.
Also, I wasn't certain if Orimae had acutally agreed or not at first, because all he did was 'grunt in affirmation'. Since this is sort of a formal matter, it might have been better if he had taken the time to say 'yes' even if most of his attention is elsewhere. Otherwise, it's sort of like the CIA saying 'Do you want us to send in the Feds, sir?' 'Mm.'
“The sky is dark with cloud and flame over the cliffs where the young girl disappeared.”- this is so formal that I'm wondering if it's not part of something like a prophecy. Or Ylhara is very, very strange. Or both.
How is criesma different from bread?
'Orimae nodded curtly. Huari bobbed nervously.'- lots of '-ly' adverbs in a row; it sort of makes a pattern. Like my speech teacher used to hammer into his students, you don't want to fall into a pattern when trying to make your communication interesting.
..."[He has been all day, in fact]. Quite curious for one his age to be so interested in those old texts. [Why, he hasn’t moved a bit since he came in here early this afternoon.]”'-I'm not sure if you meant the parts in the brackets to be redundant, as a show of Huari's character, or if it was accidental. But redundant they are, so I'm pointing them out.
Why does Huari need his boots?
'He’d been searching through all the tomes dealing with old legends and still hadn’t found anything.'- I'd change to to 'he searched through all the tomes...', because we already know he'd been searching through them. Now you can tell us he's finished.
Heh, sometimes I try to cover up whatever I was doing by grabbing random books and objects too...it's interesting _
When describing Winiir's madness and its results, you say 'birth star' in nearly every sentance at points, where it sounds repetitive
So now he's following Ylhara for a change...it'll be interesting to see where this is going.
A thing about beginning sections with the location: with something like 'Fanji Village, Aeruti' it's not so bad, but when it becomes 'Uncharted desert plain' I have to wonder: who's typing the location introductions? Some omniscient stenographer? When it gets to the point that it's uncharted, does it matter where they are?
Gale-force winds always make me think of gales, on oceans, so it's a little unsettling to find them in a desert. Especially winds that spray rocks.
Uh oh. Now Kaldee is blaming Chardos for her dragons death. Is this the 'anger' stage of grief? Or something more sinister...?
And Kaldee meets the mystery child. The plot thickens!
Heh. I like Ylhara's monolouges. They sum the situation up perfectly.
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 3 . 7/26/2007
“We’ve got to go after Kaldee. There’s no way she’s going to survive out there, especially in her condition!” Chardos spoke emphatically"- I don't know if you need to say he spoke emphatically, since the excalamtion point says that already
Orimae's name reminds me of Oromis from Eldest. Ever read the Inheritance trilogy?
It seems unfair that Orimae is keeping Chardos stuck in the village when he wants to go help his friend. I mean, Chardos hasn't done anything idiotic to my knowledge...most of the lousy stuff that happened he couldn't help.
I can only imagine the kind of care that has to go into tack you'll use on intersteller flights.
And Oh Riiven, spare poor Chardos the 'in my day...'
So, I take it Chardos is used to fixing tack?
It's kind of strange how Riiven goes from Misola's death right to the cliffs. I guess that's the point, but it might be better to put the sentance about the cliffs in a new paragraph of dialouge so the shift in topic seems less abrupt.
I'm curious to hear about Ylhara. Why is she doing favors for Orimae?
I wonder what Chardos was looking for the last time he went to the record-keeper's.
Now Chardos is what we call a good friend. Although Kaldee would probably be better served if somebody rescued her from the desert, first...
That's a long frenzied state Kaldee is having- 7 hours! Although she does seem aware of her surroundings...
Is it really wise to strip off clothing in teh desert? With all the hot sand and sun, she could burn to a crisp!
Should 'perun' be capitalized again? And out of curiosity, what does happen when a planet has three suns?
Aww...cute dragon hatchling. I take it it's Misola?
Ohh! So was that dream the story of how Kaldee got Misola?
I like how both the itallics (dream?) and her acutal wake-up start with the same sentance.
When you describe the sky as 'brassy', what do you mean exactly? It's an alien planet, after all, it could be truly bizarre.
What is the meaning of mother's last word? A green dragon? Green planet? Hmm...ah! It hearkens back to the prolouge!
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 2 . 6/24/2007
Sorry my review was so long in coming!
Now I'm curious about how the dragon-riders made it to a planet, though space, in the first place. I used to have a race of space-faring dragons...I can't remember what happened to them, though.
Aw...polishing his dragon's scales! Though Archtrumas doesn't sound like a very feminine name. Also, a bit more description would help right there. I don't know how big this dragon is, or how well she fits in the middle of a village.
Is Chardos very heavy, to raise a cloud of dust?
And how does he 'bounce' to a halt? Isn't he just walking...trotting...weaving...whatever?
And, to be nitpicky, 'every which way' is a sort of modern expression that seems out of place in a mideval setting.
'Distinctly exasperated expression' :) say THAT ten times fast.
'as he asked, “All right. I’m here.'-Um, that's not a question. I know the question comes right afterwards, but it sounds strange anyway. Could you change 'asked' to 'said'?
'Cantankerous' doesn't seem to work here. It doesn't work well describing a dragon. It's just too strange. I can't even remember what it means right off the top of my head, though I know that it doesn't quite fit.
Antibiotics sound strange, but I guess that if they can be spacefaring they should have discovered them.
What's so offensive about medical treatment, I wonder?
Remember to start a new paragraph each time somebody new speaks, or every time somebody first speaks. There really shouldn't be dialouge at the end of a long paragraph, is what I'm saying. It pops up when Chardos is asking Kaldee 'what is it?'
'“That way, about five minutes ago,” she grumbled.' What Kaldee says next is grumbling, but teling Chardos which way Misola went isn't exactly whiny. It's more of a 'told him' or something.
So is Archtrumas on the village outskirts, and is the village in the middle of the plain, or what? And can a dragon hop nimbly without causing small earthquakes?
Nice way to describe dragon tack and features while doing action.
'With a running vault...' - Try 'start' instead of 'vault'. I think vault is used correctly there, but it looks a little strange, since a vault is also an underground chamber. Or just say, 'he vaulted into the saddle with a running leap', etc. 'Vaulted' works better than 'vault'
It might just be me, but jumping onto your dragon's back just as she's taking off sounds chancy.
As I'm still picturing Archtrumas as 'pretty darn big', I can't imagine her wings 'fluttering'
A lot of your sentances begin with character's names. It can get old pretty quickly, so you might want to try saying 'he' or 'she' instead of 'Chardos' or 'Archtrumas'.
'red rump of his quarry.'-that line made me chuckle.
Ugh. Blue eyes and red scales for an ugly color combination make.
'He bugled'- Do dragons make sounds like bugles?
Some problems I'm seeing here:
1. How does just a rope hold back a dragon?
2. If Misola's going into outer space, they should be pretty darn high up. So high that Chardos should be either/both freezing and/or suffocating. Unless his dragon has some way to magically keep him alive?
'less than three standard planetary revolutions old'- unless dragon riders don't know the word 'years', I think you could just say 'years of this planet' or 'standard years' or even just 'standard revolutions'. That line is pretty bulky otherwise.
Por Chardos. 'Um, Kaldee? Your dragon escaped into outer space. I'm sorry.'
What language is Jutra in?
'willing her to go faster than she could.'- That seems a little harsh on the poor dragon, not to mention the fact that he's doomed to disappointment. She can't go faster than she can, after all, and if that makes sense.
'When a dragon broke atmosphere without a rider, it became emdana: a dragon struck by deadly mind madness.'
1. 'Deadly Mind Madness' is a very strange combination of words.
2. Do dragons in the wild break atmosphere? If they don't, why do they now, with humans?
3. Why didn't Chardos think of this before?
'Shocked, she watched as Chardos darted into a squat house with a straw roof'- What the roof's made of is so important right now that it has to be described?
'yelled into the wind as it rose into the air[,] “Please, Chardos! Bring him back!”'- that's one case where you don't need to start a new paragraph
'She was a finaesgrano, [a] dragon-rider, by blood.' So dragon-ridership is inherited? That's different.
Ah...now we see what it's like to go into outer-space dragonback!
Oh gosh- this is his first time out? Is this really wise? I mean, can't they send somebody else? If not, why not?
Can dragons tragel faster than light? Because otherwise, there's no way Misola can reach those stars in Chardos' lifetime. Unless he's immortal. But it'd still take awhile.
This is a really cool scene to imagine. Nice and dramatic.
How can Chardos hear Misola's scream in outer space? There's no air to carry sound waves. Yes, I do nitpick about science and stuff in a review.
Just a thought- if Quefi has a mind-shield that protects him from Misola's plasma, shouldn't Misola have a shield to protect himself from Chardos' shakra?
The paragraph describing the fight is pretty long. Do you think it could be broken up at several points?
Chardos is a boy? I mean, you describe him as one. I thought of him as a young man or therabouts. 'Boy' isn't a nice word to see when you're rooting for the guy in a fight...
Aww...poor Misola. And poor Kaldee when she finds out about this.
Isn't wiping blood on your tunic a bit...gross? And unsanitary? I know that's probably the only thing he has around to wipe the shakra on, but shouldn't he carry a cleaning-rag or something?
Luminescent means glowing. Do Quefi's scales glow?
Misola's death is a very emotional scene, very well-written. I'd like it if it weren't so SAD! *sob*
'She swung her feet off the bed into her boots,'- nice trick, those those boots had better have pretty wide cuffs
I'm not certian that wingbeat can really be 'limping', since limping has more to do with walking than flying. Though I get what you're trying to say, I think there may be a better way to say it. 'Halting'?
'he asked in a breathless whisper, aghast'- that's too much of the same emotion packed on at once. I'd leave off the 'aghast' part.
'She looked up at him. “Chardos?” she asked'- This sentance should start a new paragraph.
'Coppice' normally refers to trees, and a particular manner of forest managment. I don't think rocks can be coppiced (they'd have to grow back in order to do so), so I don't think 'coppice of rocks' acutally works.
Por Kaldee. You hit on emotions very well in this chapter, I liked it.
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 1 . 6/12/2007
I like this introduction and think that your plot looks interesting, it's nothing like I've ever seen before. This prolouge, however, seems a little unfocused style-wise (sometimes it seems epic and formal, other times a bit scientific, and sometimes casual). I like how you make the backstory a bit more personal by telling us about the woman who gives birth to the child and can't even remember her name. My only other problem is that this seems too short! I'd like to see more of it right away, but there's only a 500-word prolouge so far.
I'm definatly putting this on author alert, because I'd love to see where it's going.