|Reviews for When it all goes wrong|
| Bandgeek15 chapter 32 . 7/17/2009
Hey please keep going!
| CallMeAlice chapter 32 . 7/16/2009
please don't take it down. i love this story, just the way it is.
| love-forever chapter 30 . 7/15/2009
you have power, my friend. no story has made me react the way this one has. this is what i've done as i read the story:
- legit, out loud, "aww"ed
- laughed till i almost peed
- slapped my hand over my mouth in surprise
- shouted "what the hell are you doing?"
- shouted "oh no he/she didnt!"
- wanted to jump into the story and beat the living crap out of a few unnamed characters (*cough* rachel *cough*)
- died of amazement
though the story wasn't very well written, you had magnificent ideas. very shocking and surprising. i did not see half of these coming. good job.
| BigPapa chapter 30 . 7/13/2009
Hey ur story was pretty good.
although you didn't have to rate it m. in no way what so ever was there really a sex scene that you knew what all went down. If ur not getting down and dirty details I'd keep it T. it'll let more people see it when you post a chapter
| Light Ardent chapter 31 . 6/25/2009
I loved your story. Really, I did. There were some problems, but it didn't affect the story too much. I'm glad you did a sequel to this :) Keep on writing because you're really good at it! Great job.
| KellyVirg chapter 17 . 6/21/2009
So, I'm about halfway through your story and I have to start by saying that you have a good idea going on here and you have done a good job at not rushing into the relationship and adding sex right at the beginning. However, several things are distracting as a reader.
The first is your use of grammar. Commas are placed everywhere they shouldn't be instead of everywhere they should. Commas need to go at the end of a quote not a period ("Go let the dogs out," Amanda said.) When you have a period instead of that comma, it is confusing as to who exactly is talking.
Second is your sense of paragraphing with quotes. When Lana is talking in a quote, don't put Jason's actions right after it. EXAMPLE. You wrote: "What do you mean?" he sighed. You should have made it clear that Lana was the one that was talking and then, in another paragraph, stated "Jason sighed." This is one example in chapter 15, but it is everywhere in your story.
To move on to a character critique, Lana's character is somewhat inaccessible because of her youth. You are pairing her up with a mature older man and he is acting as a FOIL character by highlighting her personality, which is very young and annoying at times. This can be expected seeing as she is only 15, but I would have made Lana mature for her age or at least made her older.
The only other thing I can think to say thus far is that your story has an air of claustrophobia. Everything seems stuck in this tight little world with absolutely no way out. Having two super-involved parents is really inhibiting the story and preventing any sort of relatiohnship from forming. Right now they aren't even in a relationship yet and they are having tremendous trouble. I would lighten up on the conflict right now and give them a chance to grow as a couple before putting them through all of the trials.
| Elyssa Morales chapter 14 . 6/3/2009
Rachel seems bi-polar...and why does she want him back so badly?
| CallMeAlice chapter 31 . 10/8/2008
This was one of the best stories i have read on here!
I'm new, but this was great.
Fabulous job, i love how you intertwined everything together and then made her realize that she was making a mistake at the end.
Again great job.
| FallinAngelGirl chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
I could totally picture this scene...LOL! :D
| Miss-X-Marie chapter 31 . 3/22/2008
i really enjoyed it
i cant wait to read the sequl
| Jami chapter 1 . 10/20/2007
SEQUEL!MUST HAVE IT! I AM A READING ZOMBIE AND I MUST HAVE MY STORIES OR I GET DANGEROUS!SO HURRY! lol. I love ur story. Keep it up. Im ur #uno fan!-
| Allison Smith chapter 31 . 10/15/2007
I literally stayed up all night reading this!
I do have to say that you should go back and give it a good edit just for Grammatical errors and sentence structures. :)
PS thanks for reading "mirrors" but if you're still reading, could you review please?
| TotalEclipseOfTheHeart2114 chapter 10 . 9/26/2007
I find it EXTREMELY weird that her parents are acting like that.
It's pretty unrealistic to have them react that way.
No parent in there right mind would pick up on that.
Plus, things moved way too fast with Lana and Jason.
Things don't really make sense in this story.
It's very childish to move things so fast between them.
| JL chapter 30 . 9/25/2007
Um, I don't know if you want to know what I thought, fully.
I just have to say - you need to do some research. Legal services does not allow for minors to run away from home, and does not leave them in the care of "friends teachers vouch for". There would be, at least, a hearing to determine Brian's fitness to act as a supervisory figure while in his care.
Secondly, you don't redeem your main character at all. I don't know if you think she's cool, but she progressively has gotten more 1-D, to the point that entitlement without any sacrifice seems to be all the facets of her personality. The story is far too random...
I don't know though. Maybe you like random, or magic realism (as this seems to be). If so, then you've written a perfect escapist story.
| JL chapter 23 . 9/25/2007
I think you have a possible premise for a good story, but everything is so 1D. If you edit it a LOT later, I think this story could become very good... however, even when I was a teen, I *never* ran into any 15 year old who came across as much of a spoiled, entitled brat as the main character. She alienates everyone to a huge extent, and "headstrong" is not equated to not being able to consider the other side of an argument (which her parents, her teacher, Becca all have iterated in very different manners).
Then again, nobody is as 1D as you've made them out in the story. The only person with depth, so far, is Jason.
You have a lot of passion in your writing, and I hope you keep writing, but seriously - "review, or I won't post anymore, because it's not worth the effort"? A true writer writes because they truly enjoy it, not because they enjoy the glory of being admired by others.