Fabulous! Positively fabulous! Can't wait for you to continue...

ZOMG I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS FINALLY UP! But why is it not called Bomb Shell?

*Penguin knee-socks*? Look, if you're going to write fantasty, at least classify it in that section. Jeez Tracey.

Buddha did indeed lack fruit salad, poor guy.

Brilliant storming imagery, I'm quite jealous. Now I will have to purposefully avoid having my characters storm anywhere ever in case I pale in comparison.

Someday I too shall form an underground bomb shelter band, and it will be glorious.

My, what a list of contradictory labels. Nicely done.

Vince is a jerk right now, but even still I'm kind of in love with his hair.

THIS IS WHY WE'RE YOUR ONLY FRIENDS! SCREW YOU, WE'RE MONKS!

She shares her fruit salad! Damn is Lorena nice.

Of course you're going to slip positive body image messages in there, I mean, it's you. But subtle, good.

Hey, how old is everyone? People can't be too young, as I'm fast learning. And please don't forget that most normal people are not in committed stable relationships for multiple years (nay, multiple months) in their early teenage years. *cough* Not to say that they're impossible, but really, they ain't commonplace.

Finally, a voice for the non-badassery on goatees.

I love how Lorena and Todd confer so as to present a united front on the Kevin issue. Very cute.

I'm not so keen on words either, Vince.

Yay! It was very good. Entirely plot-free, but I'm pretty okay with that. Now I'm going to be tormented as to whether to yell at you to finish this or to continue to rant about FIATL/Todd/youknowthatthing. You're making life really hard for me, I hope you're happy.

E

YAY! so i think that counts as my chocolate ice cream for today. seriously, this was hilarious and engaging and all that other writer-ey stuff and completely amazing. lorena has such patience. i love how she's always like..budha..feel the love..lol. i love the way the story's told in like mini stories. works with my short attention span. :) okies, ima read my other darling story now. byes!

beautiful! *hugs story, then Tracey*

One thing...

in Vince and Gypsy's mental monologue, they both swear to kill Lorena if she really said seventy-thirty, for their meeting called 'Friday Fun', and clearly, they state that it had been discussed that they were all supposed to meet at seven, right? well, the Bi-hatchy Chicks in DQ say their movie's gonna start six-thirty...

Point taken?

"I am still not feeling the love!”

Rule one of Arms Race: Make Sure Lorena feels the love. If Lorena does not feel said love, all shall perish with utterly certain doom. And smiting. Lots of smiting.

I. Am so. Excited. You have no idea. Mostly because this has the quirkiness that I've grown to appreciate in your writing in a real-life setting, because I've lately grown obsessed with bands/music, because the characters seem incredibly well-drawn, because there's a touch of grittiness to the humor, because-well, I'm not going to lie, because there's romance. HA. You've finally submitted to the call.

I am so psyched for this story. I love Gypsy's name. I think it's funny that Lorena has the same last name as I do. I love Vince. I love how simultaneously exaggerated and surreal and realistic this story seems already. Can't wait until your next update!

And you know I always fail at constructive crit. So all you have to do is bask in my praises. XD

Lorena's pet-name-calling of Gypsy is making me itch. Like, really, really itch. _ I read the rest of this, and it's still very good, I must say.

"Dearest, do I ever tell you that I hate you?" lol

It's very realistic that Gypsy has weight issues. So many girls do. And apparently she had some kidn of eating disorder? Ooh.

Clara seems like a cool character. Heh.

“I…see you’ve died your hair again.” Lorena's hair is dead? AGH! (XD Sorry, had to.)

"I keep telling them it's okay, you know they hate you." lol

"Yeah, because 11-year-olds make me totally hot." xD

KYAHH! Kevin! xD No wonder Vince hates him so much. "Kevin would swagger off a cliff at gunpoint."

'Oh, get a haircut." xD

His innermost feelings had an annoying tendency not to rhyme. lol

Vince was tremendously Italian. If you tied his hands together he couldn’t communicate. heh

Well, that was a really great chapter. Zozma was raving about it and I agree with him entirely...it probably is one of your best works. Very nice start.

I wonder which one I like better? TOD or AR?

Hm. I'll have to see.

Update soon!

Since I'm here, I might as well review. We all know what life is like for a review whore that only gets reviews from creepy Joe-man ...

I just might legally change my name to Alexander L. Girl, if only so that my child can be named Calorie Girl. Just thought I might throw that out.

Seems so far that all the characters have gotten ample characterization, barring Todd, who seems to be borderline wallflower-eque. K-Fed/K-Lo annoys me, as I'm guessing he's supposed to be doing. Vince and Gypsy both seem like interesting people, and I'm eager to see more of them specifically. Jason seems like a real prospect, as far as characterization is concerned. Dont let him slip away!

Why was Nirvana the only band referenced? There's other important, universe spanning teenager touchstone bands that could've been referenced, and I demand more! For one, Radiohead. No self-respecting person such as Vince wouldnt at the very least, secretly like Radiohead. They Just sound too dreary and hopless to be avoided. Then you have Metallica and Iron Maiden. I highly doubt any teen who only wears black hasnt heard of the two most (in)famous metal bands ever. Vince seems like such a (black-wearing) jerk that it only makes sense, from a logical standpoint, to make him like Metallica and Iron Maiden. Sonic Youth would be another good choice because they just have the whole "we're such rebels, teens flock to us nationwide" attitude going on. Sure, theyre all over 40 now, but they're still kicking. I heard their 2006 release was actually pretty good. Either way, Vince would be sure to love them. And then there's Green Day. I don't like them, and I don't really think anyone else in the country likes them anymore, but Vince probably would. They are, after all, the penultimate punk-revival group that's doing anything today, even if everything they're doing sucks. And then, I thought Vince might like Jazz-Fusion, but thats more up to you. Because all Ramones-culting punk wannabes HAVE TO have a backup genre, just in case someone says something like, "all you listen to is punk". Vince would just be like, "nah, I listen to jazz-fusion, too." (because you can't really have metal as your backup genre to punk. there's a rule about it somewhere) So anyway, Vince should invest some time looking up groups lik Weather Report, Return to Forever, and Mahavishnu Orcestra, I would highly recommend it!

First, The excerpts.

“Alright. Be careful, stick with the group, don’t go off alone – even if they piss you off, you hear me – don’t get a ride anywhere from anyone without calling to get my approval first,”

Its a good thing Clara is such a good parent, because this sounds like a parental speech gone horribly wrong...

I loved that whole scene between Lorena and the O'Keefes, they are just such glaringly annoying parents. You have already made me hate them as people.

“Exactly. They’re both hotheaded, stubborn, and easily offended.”

“They just need to learn to pick their battles.”

“Nah They always pick their battles. They just always pick the same one.”

That is such a perfect way to describe the relationship between Vince and Gypsy.

Vince was the first to arrive.

He leaned against the building a fair distance away from the door. With his height, hair, and black clothes, Vince tried never to loiter directly in front of an entrance where people couldn’t avoid him, because he got the feeling he made passersby nervous.

I feel like that sometimes, but I would never be able to phrase it as simply as that.

If she really said seven-thirty...

That sounds familiar xD

Kevin had an impressive knack for stretching in just such a way as to show off his well-toned arms to best advantage. He practiced it in front of the mirror.

I bet Kevin used more hair product than Gypsy.

“Hello, I am not feeling the love here!”

The indignant singsong cry rang out as Lorena pranced across the parking lot with Todd in tow.

I'm sorry Madame!

If I have to watch him crawling all over Gypsy all night, I’m going to throw up.

Three cheers for creepy unrequited love syndrome!

“That looks good!” Commented the other unnamed friend, a girl with long, very straight blonde hair, leaning across the table and pointing at Gypsy’s ice cream cone. “How many calories are in it?”

There was a really weird silence.

“I don’t know…” Gypsy said quietly.

The girls exchanged glances and Gypsy lost her appetite completely.

“I don’t think this was the place to come if you’re worried about calories.” Lorena raised an eyebrow.

“I’m watching my figure.” Calorie girl said primly.

I have observed that happen. It really sucks...Again, I would never be able to phrase it so simply...and then of course Kevin:“You and every man in the room.” Kevin cut in smoothly, slicing the tension that had grown thick in the air as Lorena’s irritation and Gypsy’s embarrassment grew more obvious. He winked. One by one the girls at the other table got it and burst into giggles, and calorie girl made a very pronounced show of shrieking and diving across their table to bat vaguely at Kevin.

“Karma.” She said calmly. “I am thinking about what you are going to look like in your next life.”

Ha. I wish we had some buddhist friends.

He didn’t leave until she shut the door behind her.

Yay. Vince's chivalry reminds me of how I used to be. Also, it reminds me of how you are with Kate.

Second, This was SO AWESOME. I've already told you most of what I think about this. The one flaw that I found when you gave it to me in pieces was the lack of character development in Todd. However, when I read the chapter as a whole, I got an excellent sense of his character, possibly more clearly than I ever have before.

Another excellent, developmental, humorous, emotion chapter.

Love,

Ben-ho de Fnord

Hurray, it's up. And I may be the first reviewer, if I get this done fast enough. I *won't* get it done fast enough, but it's the effort that counts.

So, from a psychological perspective, Lorena's pretty high up on Maslow's chart. She's got her physiological needs(fruit) her safety needs(nice weather and house) self-esteem (from what I've heard, Lorena is pretty damn awesome in Lorena's humble opinion) and her sense of belonging (Todd belongs to Lorena) She may even be self-actualized if her open mindedness and creativity are anything to go by. All that being said, I'm afraid I'ma have to voice my wariness that a teen drama starts out from the perspective of a psychologically sound individual. Where's the moping, whining, and cutting oneself!

Well, there's profanities, at least. It's amazing how so much hard work to acheive enlightenment is lost in one phone call :P

I imagine Vince having a really obnoxious, whiny "fifties gangster" voice. Am I far off?

"She prayed for Buddha to grant her the patience to deal with Vince and for Karma to kick his ass."

Again, I really love this line. Very clever. devilishly hilarious. Highly Lorena.

"If Buddha can wait forty days for enlightenment to happen-Besides, I have fruit salad. Buddha didn’t have fruit salad."

Two in a row! You're off to an amazing start, Tracey. And you actually did some research :P.

"Mhm.” Said Vince, “Call me back when you’ve made her see reason. Talk to you soon.”

I . . . I *already* want to kick his ass! I'm only like one page and four Vince lines in but I want to punch him in the face! In just a few lines of dialogue and reactions you've created a character so reprehensible and detestable that I'm actually beginning to dislike you for allowing him to exist on paper! Just kidding, not quite so melodramatic. But if this is a sign of things to come, I'm not sure I can like him much.

"“Um, hello? Magic words? Please? Thank you?”

Dial tone."

This is a rare example of good timing in literature. With the right sentence/paragraph structure and proper use of elipses and commas one can create a very clear image of timing. Very nicely done.

"She said to a Vince who couldn’t hear her"

Not so nicely done. Overly "pointing out the obvious"

"Gypsy was great at storming out.-and the way all that hair fanned out behind her."

Now *this* is an introduction. Brilliantly articulated, and it's got just the right catty flair. If I didn't have any experience with your characters prior to this, this would be the perfect way to introduce her. Yes, I'm aware I'm gushing. If it helps, I feel like a highly effeminate home designer trying to relay my opinions on the "texture" of drape designs.

"waist-length"