Reviews for The Future of Fantasy: REMIX
Jibbittessa chapter 17 . 7/13/2007
He wondered if she ever planned to tell him…

*if she had ever* C'mon, Derek, you can't use what you learned in French class to use proper English?

Huh... I must've missed something. Only one real mistake, not counting your horrible lack of using semi-colons? Wow... I'm impressed.

Anyways, I'm really craving drawing that scene, where Lukey offers Josh blood. :D I think I'm going to attempt it... I'll show you whenever I finish.

Love,

Your Editor,

Erin
Jibbittessa chapter 16 . 7/12/2007
He positioned himself in his desk.

*at his desk* *behind his desk* something like that

She didn’t resemble a vampire, not in anyway.

*any way*

Holy shit that's the best line ever, at the end. o_o I am now in love with whoever that wanna-be Steph is. XD And i can picture the president being like the governor in the movie Evolution. Have you seen it?

Love,

Your Editor,

Erin
Jibbittessa chapter 15 . 7/12/2007
You be stuck by yourself with Luke over there.

*you could be*

*you missed an extra space between Luke yelling at Ry-Ry for his nickname, and the paragraph after that*

with a single light on the ceiling, and no windows that she could see. Just sit right there.

*I believe the last sentence should be in quotes*

Ohh~ Vamporia's purple. I'm liking this place already. You should so insert me as a minor vampire character. :P It would make me happy *puppy dog eyes* I could help torture Joshy or Ry-Ry... Or something. o.o Phayte, the strangely happy to be tortuing someone vampire, who has a thing for Lucas, which makes Lucas hate her. XD YEAH FOR MINOR CHARACTERS! You know you want to... :D

And, uhm... Wow, yeah. o_O ONTO THE NEXT CHAPTER!
Jibbittessa chapter 14 . 7/12/2007
And that was when the dwarves snapped a metal clamp down on muzzle, preventing from providing some vital and intelligent conversation

on *my* muzzle - preventing *me* from

They opened a huge door leading probably to the execution room.

switch probably and leading in their order... or, even better, change it to "that probably lead to"

The grinded my back scales against the wood.

*they*

into a room lighted only by torches.

*lit*

as we left the church, which now a ball of fire in the backround.

*which was now*

So, yeah... Lots of Lucas in this one. So you earn a hug, or something, next I see you. That's... Really all I've got to say. Oh, and, uh... Anyone religious who's reading this is gonna kill you. :D Have a nice day.

Love,

Your Editor,

Erin
Jibbittessa chapter 13 . 7/12/2007
Sundays are a holy day for the dwarves.

should be "are holy days"

She had almost been a little girl down there, crying her eyes.

Are you missing a word at the end of there?

Okay, this ones seems better... And I'm next to positive I didn't read or edit most of this.I kind of like Lucas's whole *steals blood from everyone* thing. I wish I could do that. Though it was such a waste that he just threw it instead of drinking it...

Oh, and in this chapter, he reminded me of Edgeworth.
Jibbittessa chapter 12 . 7/12/2007
*sigh* Delayed editing. Sorry 'bout that Derke-chan.

I'm going to start ignoring your lack of semi-colon use. It's getting better, but just remember that when two parts on either side of a comma can be separate sentences, then a semi-colon would be best. ;

Okay, so first off... When Garik comes home, Kathira asks how the trial was and he says "exactly as I said it would". So you should change Kathira's question to "How did the trial go?"

Well, my name is Ryoma Flametongue, I leave alone with my sister up in Draconia.

it should say live, not leave :D

Love,

Your Editor,

Erin

PS ~ TELL ME WTF YOUR PSYLOCK IS. _ T_T Please?
Casey Drake chapter 13 . 7/9/2007
Sweet...

Except for the whole "pulling every drop of blood out of the dwarf's body at once" bit.

:) CD
Umae the Retarded Unicorn chapter 12 . 7/6/2007
Woot! Greatness. You have a few mistakes in there...I'll tell you about them when you're on AIM.

Oh, and I had an idea, just for something interesting. It's rumored that twins have a special spiritual connection. Wouldn't it be cool if Ashelen's soul took refuge inside of Abbgail? Just a thought...
Jibbittessa chapter 11 . 7/5/2007
Oi, I think my internet died while I was editing. *sigh* Oh well, you got the major ones, anyway... Now for an actual review...

I like what you're doing with this; you're sure to do well on Senior Project. XD *licks at ice cream* I'm really suspicious of the vampires, but you already told me it wasn't them, so...Just keep writing so I can half-ass your editing and read more. XD Don't worry, I really do put effort forth in your work, and I know everything I miss your stalker will get. XD

Except maybe my sticking point with semi-colons. O:)

Give Lucas a hug for me.
Heatless Flame chapter 11 . 7/5/2007
Nice chapter. I like Flonne and Josh being on the same side, rather than mortal enemies. And as always, Lucas is awesome.
Casey Drake chapter 10 . 7/4/2007
...neep...

Well, I like this new version. More detail, etc. And Lucas is as arrogantly annoying as ever. Quick question though. Are we talking a physical surgery to remove immortality or a metaphysical surgery?

:) CD
Jibbittessa chapter 9 . 7/3/2007
scratching his bear thoughtfully.

he has a pet bear? Nice! XD I think you missed a letter there, Derke. :P

Today was the day after all, the day

maybe put a comma before "after all"

Garik had built this house along with the help of his father

get rid of "along"

They worked together long and hard

get rid of "together"

Abbgail on her back, Ashelen on his side, holding her stuffed

I believe Ashelen is a girl... *pokes the "his"*

Abbgail shot in bed so fast she nearly

shot in bed? shot up in bed, maybe?

lived miles away from the mines, something that Garik himself didn’t want to do.

"to do" doesn't fit... Maybe, "didn't want to deal with" would work better?

Every dwarf that worked in these mines was to bring his/her

you did not just use a slash...

“shh, shh, it’s ok.”

*eyes your lack of capitalization*

He didn’t need to see her, he knew.

semi-colon

How could my God forsaken me?”

Either make it say "forsake" instead of "forsaken" or add a "have" before it.

They were able to help the other races due day-to-day things.

"do" not "due" :P

He nodded. “We are capturing him as we speak.”

should say "the priest" instead of "he". May get a little confusing otherwise.

~

Aww man... T_T Ryoma wouldn't kill anybody. Nasty person is planting evidence. But who is it? Hmm... Keep writing, bish. _ XD God, this sounds like an actual review. Wow.
Jibbittessa chapter 8 . 7/2/2007
“Yeah, Mi-Mi, I know, but nothing’s going to happen to me while your away. It’s only for a short while, and I’m just a phone call away.”

“But, something could happen to you, w-w-while I’m g-g-gone.”

He just said that... Is she that hysterical that she's only repeating things?

And after that, you're missing a paragraph. Like, you didn't put the line into a new paragraph like you should've.

and their silly look beards dragged on the ground in front of them

silly looking

were dragging would probably look/sound better

And yes, that me.

that's

that could crush him up effortlessly.

get rid of the "up"...

I froze, sure it was primitive, but they were very accurate.

semi-colon after froze. And maybe change "it" to "the crossbows"

Sorry, Mi-Mi, I can’t you home…today…

bring you home

~

That looks so messy... *sigh* Anyways, this was an interesting chapter. Miyako is also mine. *eyes you* Though it seems like you changed her personality a bit...

It's ironic how the reason she wanted Ry-Ry to get her was so she knew nothing happened to him. And he got kidnapped by freakin midgets! XD

So is this written in, like, a journal of Ryoma's? If it's not, I'd recommend getting rid of half of your parenthetical notes... (Oh God, research papers...) And I think in one of them you're missing stars or something... The one that says something about nervous laughter. After he claimed being killed by a rat.

This story is coming along nicely, Derke. I applaud you. :P Let's just hope you can get it done in time for Senior Project. The rate you're working, you'll burn out soon...
Jibbittessa chapter 7 . 7/2/2007
By deleting your author's note, I couldn't review the last chapter properly. So two reviews in one. ; (Yes, I'm reviewing them separately, so you can more easily decipher what the heck I'm talking about...)

From the previous chapter:

He never interrupted, in fact, didn’t say much of anything until she finished, which was something he never could really do.

Try putting a semi-colon or period after interupted. And rephrase the last bit of that, I don't quite understand what you're trying to get across.

Silence, then.

that period should be a comma...

He always thought he knew what was best, if only he knew how much pressure she was under.

semi-colon, not a comma ; (that's my stickiest point, I think...)

She hasn’t been crying, just thinking.

hadn't

Well, just second thoughts, about what we’re going to do

Is that second comma really necessary? If you're putting a pause, try "...", otherwise leave it out.

Chapter six:

Everything about this place read: “I have more money than you.”

I don't think you need the colon. Maybe a comma, if anything...

Bought by Daddy’s money, and kept up by Daddy’s employers.

should that be employees?

his hair caused his head to look more on fire

more like it was on fire

In a word, he a disaster

he was a disaster

What lay inside the building, was exactly what Lucas expected

do you need that comma?

“Trust me, when I say this, she was clearly a vampire.”

get rid of the first comma...

~

*giggles* Oh how I love my Lucas... XD I like this chapter, only because Lucas was in its entirety. And he's nice and creepy, just how I love my vampires. :) *glomp* GIMME MORE LUCAS! XD

I'm just curious... Is the whole video things from the last case in the first game? o_o; I was reading that and I'm like "Ehn... That sounds kind of familiar from Derek complaining about how difficult it was to find the contradiction in the fifth case..."

Okay, now onto your next chapter... *shuffles off*
Heatless Flame chapter 7 . 6/29/2007
Ah finally we see Ryoma, the Flame's favorite dragon. What a quaint character, but the Flame sees you've made him far more serious. Excellent, his frivoulous nature was on occasion rather bothersome, no? The Flame thought not. But for criticism, the Flame noticed when she says "Yeah dad, I'm fine", you made the tag in present form, in contradiction with the rest as past tense. Just change that. Also, later on, when she says,

"She stuttered, what could she say?", you oughtta make those two seperate sentences. Other than that, this is a good story that blends fantasy and sci-fi together. Excellent.

~Heatless Flame

(By the by, the Flame offers his compliments to Mikki for her kind remark)
48 | « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 Next »