Reviews for In The Blink Of An Eye |
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![]() ![]() ![]() My review, as promised, lol. I am, btw, a horrible nitpicker... Simplify verbs like "came streaming." It is a lot more concise and easier to read as simply "streamed." You want to awe your readers with creative verbs, not convoluted or needlessly long ones. Love that the maid's name is spelled with an "e." Mine is too. _ When Sarah tells the maid that she's told her not to wake her with the sun before, you may want to offer a quick explanation to the reader. It seems rather empty when you don't tell us WHY she dislikes it so. The sentence beginning "Sarah gave a little squeak" is a run-on. It looks like you just forgot to put in the punctuation. The last sentence in the same paragraph is actually four sentences shove together. Starting too many sentences with the subject, especially when it's always "she" becomes repetitive and boring. Mix it up a bit, maybe even add more details so you have more things to say between the "she" sentences. "the same school that Sarah attends" is a tense error. It needs to be "attended" because your story is in past tense, but you can put "now" after it to make it seem present. Saying things like "now" and "today" even though it's past tense is okay in a story thing. I'm not sure why though... probably because saying "the day this story took place on" just doesn't work, lol. Found more run-ons. It looks like you should just be more careful with your punctuation. I'll stop commenting on those now though. Found a "to" used in place of a "too." Just another not quite careful enough thing. Try not to use "stuff." I know it IS a word, but it most definitely has a connotation that just does not work for writing. "Things" or "supplies" would be better. You say everyone "put their stuff away", and then you say "after everyone had put their stuff away." That's redundant. Just replace the whole phrase with "Then." When you describe peoples' appearances, you tend to do so very simply. "She was this" and "She had this sort of hair." Try to describe what they look like rather than just telling us. Like, instead of just telling us how pretty her hair is, say that "Her shimmering blond tumbled gleefully down her back." It doesn't have to be that exaggerated, just an idea though. It will make things more interesting AND paint a clearer image for your readers. I think you could use more detail than you do. Everything seems sort of skimmed over and rushed. For instance, I don't know what Sarah's room looks like, what her candle's smell like, exactly how uncomfortable she is... Yeah, stuff like that. ; I don't know yet what I think of this... it has promise though. I'll have to read more to know for sure what I think. Sorry this is so long... super nitpicker attack? |
![]() ![]() simply genius! there is no other way to descibe it! i like how you added Marks P.O.V... wow.. i so cant wait till you finish this book and get it published! remember i am going to be the first person to buy a copy AND get it signed! |
![]() ![]() OMG the beginning of this chapter was so scary! I think that i read this chapter faster then i read any other chapter because i wanted to find out what was going to happen!I NEED MORE! Oh and just thought i would say...TWILIGHT! LOL Luv Ya! |
![]() ![]() Wow! 4 pages of reviews! Yay! |
![]() ![]() oh! The perfect first date! lol This was a wonderful chapter! Keep it up Kira-Bear! |
![]() ![]() I LOVE IT! but you cant end it like this! i need more! more i tell ya! or i will... i will... EXPLODE! keep it up! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Your story is really good. There are a lot of grammar mistakes, but it's still awesome. I didn't have time to read it all, but I will. Keep writing! |
![]() ![]() EK! I TRYED REALLY REALLY HARD NOT TO SCREAM WHEN I READ THIS! BUT I DID JUMP FOR JOY AND I THINK I LET A SQUEAL OF EXCITEMENT ESCAPE MY LIPS! OMG I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR OUR NEW COUPLE! I LOVE YOU KIRA! |
![]() ![]() OMG OMG OMG OMG! A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H! I CANT BELIEVE IT! FIRST HE SHOW BACK UP NOW THEY ARE GOING OUT! A.A.A.A.A.A.H.H.H.H.H! OMG KIRA YOU TRICKSTER! I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION... AND YOU KNOW WHO ITS ABOUT... BUT MARK AND SARAH! A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.H.H.H.H.H.H! |
![]() ![]() YAY! she made a friend! haha i know who that guy is! lol i want to read more! come on write faster! lol |
![]() ![]() uh-oh i sence trouble here! lol good job! see you are getting close to breaking this darn writers block! lol Keep up the good work! YOU ROCK! |
![]() ![]() Yay! She is "home" now! Post more soon! Darn writers block! lol YOU ROCK MY LITTLE HUMMINGBIRD! |
![]() ![]() Hey Kira-Bear! Wow she gets to go to New York! lol I want to go to New York! lol Haha I love how the flight attendant said 'Ello'! lol Keep it up! I want more! |
![]() ![]() Hahaha 'devoured me in a hug'! I love that! I never heard it put that way before! You are great with words! This had a pretty sad ending! I cant wait to read more! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Something's going to happen, I know it, I know it! Keep going, I can't wait for the next chapter! By the way, sorry about not reviewing in a while... Anyway, keep going! |