|Reviews for Changes|
| whispered something profound chapter 1 . 6/28/2007
i love this )
| Seurat chapter 1 . 6/28/2007
Pathetic theme. Odious lack of form or aesthetic. Thy poem is rank with all manner of fault. There is no evidence of poetic organization (Syllabic pattern at the least), and what I may deem one of the most pitiful, cliched topics I have ever suffered a poem to endorse. You harp incessantly of the tortures of being fourteen, as though you would like us to weep with you in your bourgeoise masochistic experiences, and you do so without the slightest hint of analogy, the smallest grain of true horror. The voice of this poem is not that of a desperate, faithless individual, but rather that of a teen, speaking in monotone. You make no effort to sympathize the audience with thou, or at the very least provide a basis for these torments that accompany adolescence. In your future works, provide a better prose, cease this insufferable use of contrasts ad nausea, ("And smiles feel abused and ugly?"), and thus write not for your own insignificant therapy but rather for the enrichment of the art itself.
| Elegant Raven chapter 1 . 6/28/2007
Eh, I personally can't consider this a poem per say. I could say this is a reflective entry, but not a poem. If you want this to be a poem, I feel you'd need to add some sort of flow, whether it's rhyming or changing the words so that the each line has similar amount of syllables, etc.
I personally liked it because of it's meaning. I liked the morals and what this piece represented, but the way this was written I think needs a lot of work.
What I enjoyed most out of this work was the fact you used the right vocabulary for each age group. You matched it along with the ages, but towards the end it sounds rushed and it loses that sound. Towards the end, try to change the vocabulary a bit during parts like
"What happens when the pizza makes you feel self conscious
And the grease is only oiling your wounds?"
I'd personally add something like, "and when the days of being you
were lost in the tides of being CooL"
Something like that so you keep your writer's touch, but add a little slang to really give it that punch that shows the generation you're talking about.
I want to see your improvement because like many here, you have the ability and you have all the tools, and I want to see what you'll do with them.