Reviews for Red Riding
idontwannapopuponsearchengines chapter 1 . 9/12/2007
Title kinda reminds me of that movie of the "evil" red riding hood. Love the story. Read and review mine please?
Liviania chapter 5 . 8/14/2007
Interesting twist on fairytales. I'd like to see a bit more characterization of Rachel, but you've created an effective short thriller.

Livi
Whirr chapter 1 . 8/14/2007
Hey. I just read the first chapter of this. It's pretty good. I love the effect the song gives it. Very interesting.

Just a few sentence structure things...

- '...checking each room to make sure everything and every patient is in their place...'

The 'is' here should be a 'was', it's just a mx-up with the tense.

- 'Blinking his eyes, time had passed by as the warden finally regained consciousness. However, as he tried to move his arms, he realized he could not move them, nor his entire body before he found himself strapped on to the bed.'

There's a lot about this section that doesn't make sense... It should probably read something like this:

'He blinked his eyes, realising that time had passed by, before he had finally regained consciousness. He tried to move his arms, but realised that he could not move them, nor any part of his body. He was strapped to the bed.'

-Likewise, 'Picking up the syringe on the floor, he watched as the warden struggle and scream, despite the screaming coming out to be a muffled sound.'

should read something like

'Picking up the syringe on the floor, he watched the warden struggle and scream, though the scream coming out was muffled.'

- 'A smirk curled Carmichael’s face as he approached the warden. As he had done so, he began to sing softly, almost calmly.'

Curled is an interesting verb to use there.

Also, the second sentence should read, 'as he did so'.

- Remember that dialogue needs to be written as a new paragraph. For e.g., instead of

‘Sally picked up the phone. “Hello,” she said. Her cat rubbed against her leg.’

you should write

‘Sally picked up the phone.

“Hello,” she said.

Her cat rubbed against her leg.’

It’s just neater and makes it much easier to read. Just a stylistic thing. Have a look at the paragraph in which Carmichael is singing and injecting the needle.

Sorry to be such a pain. Hopefully you don't mind a lot of constructive criticism. It'd just little things though, the Prologue overall was engaging and made me want to keep reading.

Good work. Again, I really liked the song. ]

-Whirr
Whit5000 chapter 2 . 8/13/2007
I'm guessin this is a retellin a little red ridin hood or sumthin like that?

Anyway, it was a interestin start, but the 2nd chap was strange as in the way her mother acted. she wanted her ta take a bus but knows that a serial killa is free, but thinks its ok for her child ta go outside anyway. As if Saturday night poker was more important. I know that wasn't what you was goin for, but for some reason, that's how it sounded to me.

Everyone pointed out the typos, but it wasn't a lot.

Well, keep writin! :)
DarkPegasiKnight chapter 5 . 8/13/2007
I found this story a bit too...fleeting? It seemed to go in a kind of...straight line. No fluxuations, no climax, no decline. I felt that everything happened too fast and a bit too predictable. Don't base it too much on the fairytale, otherwise the readers will know what will happen! XD

The nursery rhymes, however, had a scary good effect. Seriously. Those parts creeped me out big time and I'm sure that's exactly what you wanted, so...maybe you did too good a job. -shivers-

So all in all, I think this was a nice start. Maybe next time, try to make it YOUR story, not just a fairytale rewritten in a different time period. (For a suggestion, maybe...Rapunzel?)

Oh, I'm from the Review Revolution. Yup, I'm a bit late so I hope the others don't kill me! _
The Winking Peach Candle chapter 2 . 8/11/2007
ooh, a creepy play on Little Red Riding Hood-and part of my name is Rachel, and my sister's friend is Jordan, creepy.

another good chapter, rachel's mum must've been psycho or something. wonder if what happened taught her a lesson?

From the Earthen Ground
The Winking Peach Candle chapter 1 . 8/11/2007
that was very chilly, and a good way to grip a person into reading the rest of the story!

the song was a creepy addition, kudos!

though i think you might've messed up a bit with tenses, or maybe i'm seeing things.

“And if that diamond ring turns to brass, mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass.”

funny, i know the song differently. something like: "And if that diamond ring don't shine, mama's gonna buy you a..."

ha ha, actually i just know it as the ring don't shine...don't know the rest. anyways, good start.

From the Earthen Ground
Hell Is A Place chapter 1 . 8/11/2007
Since no one else nitpicked the characterization and plot turns, I guess I'll have to. (I'm from that review club too.)

First off, how does this guy escape so easily? There is absolutely no way he could have escaped like that with a cafeteria tray. On the show Mythbusters they showed how an inmate used a tray to construct a freakin' bow and arrow to pierce skin. There would be video surveillance on the padded room guy, as well, though I also think the padded room only exists in movies these days (is this true?)

Another point. How stupid is the mother to let her daughter walk out like that when she recently heard that a serial killer had been released? Meth addict? Most mothers flip out when their daughters wear revealing shirts or leave the oven turned on. My mom worries when I drive at night on a Friday.

How Rachel thinks a grown man lying in the couch is her cousin: definition of a stretch. As mean as girls are, Rachel wouldn't have said, "You've gained weight," unless she's being "witchy" (I shouldn't cuss in reviews, should I? Meh.) It's also a cliche to do that, where the character doesn't recognize someone in plain sight and acts stupid until she/he figures it out.

I think you should expand the story to let the plot happen with enough breathing room. Obviously, some people do like it, so it would be worth it and readable if it was expanded. It's not my type of story - too corny for me, and serial killers are overplayed - but if everyone only wrote for me, I'd have too much to read.
The Ferrett chapter 5 . 8/9/2007
That was, all in all, lacking. As in it wasn't short enough to be in your face thrilling and it wasn't long enough to be twisted adventure ride. Hm. Sorry.
The Ferrett chapter 4 . 8/9/2007
Hm. How did... cops... um... How did the cops get there so fast?
The Ferrett chapter 3 . 8/9/2007
Less suavely done with the second lyric. Still original but needs a runover (editing cycle, whatever). Nice plotline though.
The Ferrett chapter 2 . 8/9/2007
Me again!

Sorry to say this but the secpond line seems flat. I got it! I just realised what it was. It's lacking subtlety. You overdescribed. Sorry, will read on though.
The Ferrett chapter 1 . 8/9/2007
Ah the ol' crazy person evil escape attempt. Always my favourite for the start of a thrilling ride. Have toi say the song is a touch of genius though (what can I say, I like all thiungs childish.) Oh and just because it seems expected - I'm a RR wannabe. Hehe.
DarkBlysse chapter 3 . 8/9/2007
Hey, I'm back for more. I can't wait to see what the psycho's gonna do! XD

"... mother for the weekly weekend ritual of poker night."-Having 'weekly weekend' just sounds weird. You can take out 'weekly' and we'll be able to understand that it happens every weekend.

"Jordan, on the other hand had a box of tissues..."-There should be a comma after 'hand.'

"...and pretend that no one is home."-Should be 'was' not 'is' to keep it in the same tense.

"...it hurts for her to talk concerning that..."-Should just be 'hurt' again, to keep with the same tense.

"'The spare key is underneath the rug.'"- :O Oh, no she didn't! She done gone and told the craz-ee man how to get in, dinnit she?

"...she was about to drift off in to rest..."-Nix the 'in'.

"...when she felt two strong hand on her shoulders..."-You just missed the 's' on 'hands'.

"...she saw a tall, lanky man."-Okay, there's nothing wrong with your description of him in and of itself, Nightfall, but you've used the same words to describe him for three chapters now. Variety, hon!

"Confused by this, Rachel didn’t dare to ask. And before she could stop herself, she did. 'What clock?'"-How'd she ask him that if his hand's over her mouth?

Yaay! I finally got some psycho action. God, I can only imagine how much fun you had with this, especially the rhymes.
concerto49 chapter 1 . 8/9/2007
Sorry to be slow. I had problems. RR member.

Thought you should have played suspense with more shorter sentences and all. Slightly missed the point, but something interesting going on - I think.

Mostly well written except the minor glitches.

More prologues - yeah they're rather short.

Perhaps could do with some more deescription - some more concised phrasing, and more vivid words.

Anyhow. Cool. Cheers.
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