Reviews for TAG:Technical Assault Group, 'Girl Troubles'
JacobMacDavid chapter 47 . 4/21/2015
It's nice to be reading this novel again! Of course, you must make a commitment to update more frequently: I have only a vague conception of this story arc. I retained enough to enjoy this fight scene. You did a great job of maintaining the intensity, and you made Tech seem really intimidating. I liked the false-victory in the middle, followed by even more fighting. Hannah's predicament was a good touch, too; and I look forward to seeing how that resolves. I really liked Vanisher's suicide analogy, just a nice piece of writing.

Still, I think this could probably be shortened. The chapter clocks in at 4,900 words, which is the equivalent of about thirty minutes of reading. This is more than acceptable for a climax scene, but I don't know that you need to put as much into each battle as you do. It can end up being exhausting, instead of exhilarating. Also, keep in mind that a huge part of what makes fight scenes exciting to watch is the visual aspect of it. It is difficult to imitate this as a writer. While I think you do a good job of keeping the pace quick, I think you could do even more with the imagery than you are. Give us a few tight descriptions that make the action pop. A few beautiful lines among all the blow-by-blow reporting is the equivalent of good special effects in a movie.

Also, I thought Nicholas's and Hannah's romantic dialogue was a bit forced. The characters are telling each other how they feel, instead of expressing how they feel. Too many words. Sum it up more concisely with more emotionally-charged, less logical dialogue.

That said, here are some specific details:
"Yet this was normal for him, had been for years"
- I love how natural this sounds. Great blending of narrative and character voice.
"He did so with such force that when the skin again held the swords blade dissipated."
- This line doesn't really make sense as it is.
"The android let out a chuckle"
- Always be as direct as possible. 'The android chuckled' is usually better than 'let out a chuckle'
"..causing him to crash through several bookcases"
- The description is a bit clunky here. Maybe turn this from a subordinate to a principal clause? 'He crashed through several bookcases', maybe attached to the other principal clause with a semi-colon.
"blade same color as eyes"
- I like this detail a lot!
"Tech warned"
- You've done a great job of developing Tech's voice, so you don't have to give us dialogue tags when he speaks, and you especially don't need to give us something like 'warned'. We can already tell by the content of his dialogue that it's a warning.
"Nicholas gave Jon a subtle nod to show he understood the plan"
- In this section, you commit a comma splice. You need a semi-colon.
"Tech was quick was quick"
- obvious typo
"solid vs. semi-solid"
- I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean, especially if we're talking in the context of chemistry. Jon is trying to be technical, but this really isn't technical or even accurate lingo. One metal in a solid state isn't more solid than another; once the qualifications of solidity are met, a metal is solid. It doesn't matter how hard or soft it is.
"it's neck"
- Should be 'its', because possessive pronouns need no apostrophe to be possessive.
"especially in such a situation, he had"
- need a semi-colon
"Tech said in mock-pity"
Again, your dialogue is vivid enough that this tag becomes excess fat.
"could see clearly a trail of blood"
- 'clearly' doesn't really add to this phrase.
"The pain in his arm was immense,"
- You need a semi-colon
"mastering bottling"
- having a present participle and a gerund next to each other like this is quite awkward. Maybe try re-phrasing?
"watching Robert be taken"
- See, here you're trying to avoid saying 'being', but this sentence just isn't grammatically correct anymore. Try re-phrasing.
"her neuro connections that gave her"
- try replacing the first 'her' with 'the'
"descending down"
- you don't need the adverb 'down'; descending is always down.
- you've written an adverb, but it doesn't really make sense here. I assume you mean "grisly".

Obviously, there were lots of lines that I liked that I didn't point out here. There are also lots of little blips that you should re-read the piece to smooth out. These are just the things that stood out most to me.

Nice work, once again. I look forward to reading more.
Fish E chapter 46 . 7/18/2013
I really like Tech! He's (It's) a pretty bad-ass villain, the way he can control technology all around him. I like how he refers to himself as a god, it shows how ambitious he is. The way he has people kill themselves is dark and perfectly sets the mood you're looking for. Tech is definitely fun to see work.

I also liked the action scenes before Tech, they were quick and explained well, so I could see them in my mind. They showed TAG in moments of triumph before a darker scene. Nice work.

I really liked how Jon appeared to be a hot girl, that joke was a good tension-breakers. As was Tag TWO's "Stay in School" line.

All around, I really enjoyed this chapter. Good work! I look forward to more.
Jerim chapter 1 . 7/15/2013
wooooooaaah, so much info! My brain can hardly contain it! XP Usually I'd object to such a dump, but the way you did the timeline and cramp\ it full of lore and junk actually made me more interested to get involved with the story. The VERY beginning of the prologue made me sad, though. I instantly felt attached to him, poor guy. XP
Fish E chapter 45 . 7/14/2013
This was another well-written chapter. You transition from thoughtful and reflective to tense and exciting very smoothly. I especially like the analogy of the folding flag over a soldier's grave. That was really effective in conveying your point.

One's finding of the picture of the KATS was a great plot device that I didn't see coming, although I don't trust the computer's findings, based on, well, outside information ;) But I look forward to what is going to come of their attack on the college.

Well done, and I look forward to more!
MistressLiv chapter 2 . 6/18/2013
Phew! This is the first story i've actually read on fictionpress. Enjoyable, kinda fun to imagine this all as a comic book rather than a novel. Maybe it's the way it was written, a bit list-like with the descriptions, literal. It makes it very easy to *see* the world, but feeling it is another matter. I'll read on before I get into too much detail, since this is still a very early chapter.
That being said, I quite liked Kendra; the idea that soem people finding out they suddenly have incredibly destructive powers... yeah, I can see them saying "Fuckitt, I'm gonna be a God" and going a little batshit, hehe. either way, I'll keep it short so I can read on :)
Fish E chapter 44 . 5/19/2013
This was another solid chapter. I liked Decker's interaction with One, and especially when it was drawn to his attention that TAG makes gestures, but outsiders cannot hear what they are saying. It's an interesting way to make a point, as opposed to just telling us that outsiders can't hear.

However, I think this same technique was poorly deployed later in the chapter, when Two says something like "That explosion was huge". You tried to use dialogue to describe the setting as opposed to narration, which is often a good idea. But in this case, it came up contrived. Just take more time to actually describe the explosion. Things that are that incredible to behold deserve artful imagery.

The fight scene was intense and abrupt, which worked will in your favor. I was intimidated by the android by the end of it, and hoping they would find SOME way to win. Which means you got across what you wanted successfully. Great work there.

I have only two complaints with the fight scene: the imagery was lacking in the first half. When Two joined the fight, I could see everything clearly. Before then, though the actual action was described, it was in a semi-void in my mind. Be careful here, just a few more details (not a whole slew of imagery) will flesh out the scene and make it better. This is a very minute criticism, and I could easily see another reader disagreeing with me, so consider it, but don't take it too much to heart.

The other complaint I have is how the android suddenly TALKS like an android. It's assumed that, usually, she talked like a normal human being. That's how it maintained its cover. So for her to suddenly say "It's not in her programming" doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe saying "You could never make me tell, because I don't know!" or something spiteful like that would make more sense. Also, her announcing that she is going to self-destruct doesn't make much sense. It would be more logical to program her to explode completely by surprise, not giving her enemies a chance to react.

My complaints are small, though. Overall, this chapter was strong and exciting. I look forward to your next installment!
Fish E chapter 43 . 3/29/2013
This was a pretty awesome chapter! A lot of great action, twists throughout the whole thing, and great comic-book-esque dialogue. My mind was blown by all the villains being together at once, and Waltrum being a teacher reminds me of how Miles Warren (the Jackal) was actually one of Peter Parker's professors. There are a few minor errors here and there, which I was too lazy to point out this time, but read through it a few more times to fix that up.

Maybe put a little more time in describing the setting. Not much, just a LITTLE more.

But overall, a very satisfying chapter. I was amazed that Jon made it out okay, and your explanation for it was clever and believable. Great work, all around.
Fish E chapter 42 . 3/18/2013
'As the student body as a whole stood up'
This is redundant and awkward. How about 'The students stood up'

'I understand things like this happens'
Should be 'happen'

'They were able to easily find three empty seats in the front row'
This is a bit of an unnecessarily lofty sentences. As a rule: only use adverbs when they are necessary. 'easily' is not necessary here. Neither is 'they were able to'. Instead, simplify it to 'They found three vacant seats in the front row'. Stylistically, this is more professional.

'Michael shuffled his feet nervously as he made his way to the front.'
Once again, too many words. 'Michael shuffled nervously to the front'. This is more effective and economic.

'"Well for Hannah's sake just make sure he keeps his ring finger intact'
This was a very good joke. Well done!

"Oh hey Sophia", come a voice
'came' a voice

I really like how you wrote that Sophia felt betrayed. I assumed you met at Jon. It was an interesting twist for her to be angry at Carrie. Nicely done.

'Or do you reveal in turning yourself into a piece of meat"?'
'Reveal' should be 'revel'

I really liked the outburst Jon had at Carrie. It's hard to do those and really capture the emotion, but I felt it strong. It was scathing and real. Definitely a good climax to end your chapter on. Also, Jon's getting over his guilt a bit and starting to live for himself, while realizing this is only a step in that direction, was really mature. This is the sort've character development that is often lacking from comics, which your story is inspired from. Kudos for that.

In contrast, the beginning of this chapter was lacking. Obviously, it wasn't a very important addition to the overall novel, as it just foreshadowed the vigil, but I think it deserved a little more effort. The principal has about a paragraph of dialogue where he goes through several emotions, and you didn't even break it up to quickly describe his facial expressions, or perhaps even the way the lights hit his brow. Little details like this make your story vivid, and the opening lacked that.

Other than that, this was a fun, intense chapter. The dialogue, as always, was believable, and the characters entertaining to watch. Great work!
X. Scriptor chapter 1 . 3/7/2013
This is a pretty intriguing and well written beginning. I didn't catch any grammar mistakes and I already like Jon even though I hardly know much about him. Your story has a lot of potential and I will be reading the next chapter as soon as possible.
Fish E chapter 41 . 1/24/2013
There's a lot of intensity here. I understand why these three chapters came at once. They each help establish the mood, and develop the sense of oncoming calamity. There were a few minor errors, but other than that, good work. :) You do a really good job of maintaining a dark mood, which I know can be exhausting.
Fish E chapter 40 . 1/24/2013
'Quickly he rolled under the bed as Hannah let out a soft "coming" in her best 'you just woke me up' voice.'
'Quickly' is the third adverb you've used in this paragraph. Typically, adverbs are to be avoided unless truly necessary, and, unlike the other adverbs you used, this one does very little or nothing to more clearly portray what is happening. We know that he rolled quickly without you telling us it was quick. On the up-side, I like the ''you just woke me up' voice' bit. An original way to express the thought ;)

'I so what did that say about how his father viewed him overall?'
The word 'I' should be removed.

I like the tension with the father! I'm really looking forward to seeing how this conversation is going to turn out.

'Suddenly they both felt like they were back in interrogation rooms.'
The adverb 'suddenly' should be removed, but other wise this is a clever sentence that really helps establish the mood.

'"No son, you're wrong, I know exactly what you two were doing".

"We're not like that dad! I'm dating Sophia; I want to be with her".'
This was another clever exchange

'I watched you use your composure.'
I assume you mean 'lose'

I felt a little awkward, with Jon's dad talking about Kimberly. I assume that's what you were going for here, and it comes off really well.

'"Well you haven't been too cleaver in the present either son'
'Cleaver' should be 'clever'

'Mr. Hall shrugged at the question, unsure how to answer. He was saved the attempt by Hannah's ringing phone.'
I liked this line. It was more powerful than Mr. Hall actually saying something.

The zombie line at the end was nice touch.

All-in-all this was another interesting chapter. I look forward to reading the next!
Fish E chapter 39 . 1/24/2013
This was a really strong chapter. Atmospheric and insidious. I like that you kept it short, so that it was a full experience, all contained in just about a thousand words. A nice interlude, if you will. Just a few pointers:

'King replied back as the car lurched forward'
The word 'back' is redundant.

'Murphy turned to face the source of the voice but instead found herself staring down the silencer for a semi-automatic handgun.'
I REALLY liked this line. I could really see the imagery here.

As for the nod to me you mentioned? I didn't notice, you'll have to refresh my memory ;)

The reviews for the next two will have to wait until later today! But I really look forward to reading on :D
GenesisComics chapter 2 . 1/23/2013
This was impressive. Your story has depth, it's witty, engaging, and above all highly entertaining. Jon's suit peaks my curiosity. I want to see how strong it makes him, what kind of damage it can take, how long does it stay up, and where did it come from. TAG is a great idea and your antagonists KATS I expected to be cheesy, but I like the idea of them so far, although I don't know much about them yet. Normally when a story star's a male, I stray away from it, but I like Jon, and can't wait to continue this. Infinite Comics
GenesisComics chapter 1 . 1/23/2013
Well the prologue was written quite beautifully, I was very surprised. Short, but written very well. I began to read your timeline as you suggested, and found that I was completely lost. Since the prologue was so short, I'm going to read the first chapter and then go back to the timeline, but your off to a good start.
Zackdorrego chapter 7 . 1/21/2013
This is my first story reed on this site. Enjoying every sec of it. :) keep up the good work.
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