|Reviews for CTF|
| cantgetmedown chapter 1 . 8/10/2007
okay here's what i've got so far.
-"mountain of paperwork" is cliche so try omitting that or describe it again.
- on the 3rd paragraph, the 2nd sentence doesn't make sense. either omit his or the before the work attack plan.
- through not thru
-maybe to distinguish thought process from dialogue you could put the thoughts in italics.
- "Cruz stood up and reached out his hand for Mike to shake." sounds a bit robotic. Maybe try saying "Cruz swiftly stood with the scrape of his chair extending his hand for a shake".
- don't use sir at the end of each sentence when Mike is talking to the chief. i understand the point you're trying to make but it gets redundant. try conveying respect in another form.
-add something to spice up the arrest of Capanelli. for a guy who alludes the police on a regular basis, it sure was easy to catch him.
-show don't tell. i want to feel the adrenaline, the sweat on the brow, the heartbeat of the officers, the smell of gunpowder, the way the sun glints off of Capanelli's cuffs. details, details, details!
you do have a good sense of dialogue though and good transitional skills. :) hope that helps.