|Reviews for Whatever Sugar, Just Buy Coke|
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 1/21/2008
Personally the formatting bugs me because you aren't letting your words and images speak for themselves, which to be honest, they really could do much better without the extra bolding, italics, whatever.
More effective line breaks would help that, i.e. first stanza:
half empty, half full; whatever.
i’m still indecisive and full of fizz
that will eventually go flat.
Also, just a punctuation tip: you don't need commas before "and"s (unless the comma forms part of a parenthetic element). In the above stanza too I think you could easily get rid of the "and", just replace it with a comma.
This isn't bad. It's an interesting metaphor for sure but it just reads as cluttered in an aesthetic sense that detracts from the overall interest of the persistent metaphor.
I look forward to an edit.
| xDancingintheRainx chapter 1 . 12/7/2007
I really like this piece. The last stanza is definitely my favorite. The imagery is really awesome. I haven't read anything like this on fictionpress before, and its quite refreshing to read something new. Well done.
| sunscraped chapter 1 . 9/17/2007
i think it's much too face-value for an extended metaphor.
make people work to decipher the meaning.
however, your formatting is amazing. you have quite some talent.
| T.H.E. Hero chapter 1 . 9/11/2007
I liked it!
It was like one of those still pictures, of a butterfly.
That is the feeling I got, a still picture, witch is good!
Thank you for writing!
Arigoto, Good Luck.
| mizu no kokoro chapter 1 . 7/29/2007
coke is usually $1.50 where i live (
in some parts it flows like a song, slogan perhaps.
| cygnus olor chapter 1 . 7/12/2007
I like the last stanza esp. the second line:
"and my shiny logo is only aluminium-deep"
Perhaps you could remove some unnecessary articles like in:
"indecisive and full of (this) fizz"
"(that is) full of shit"
to make it tighter.
Keep writing! _
| concerto49 chapter 1 . 7/12/2007
I haven't had coke in quite a while, though you made the coke sound a little cheap and lonely. I didn't exactly find it amazingly humorous though. Anyways. I shouldn't begin asking as I won't stop as usual :)
| 1st violin 22 chapter 1 . 7/12/2007
I like it because I seriously think that coke is the reason for some of America's health problems. I've never actually tried it but it looks gross. It's really cool how you personify the coke.