Reviews for TIO
C.A. Kirkpatrick chapter 1 . 3/19/2008
DUDE! Swetnes. Deep. that's deep!
Kaelidra chapter 2 . 7/19/2007
Well, I was a little disapointed in this chapter. I had high expectations. The first thing Id like to say is run-on sentences. 'Usually, you can see the ugliness of every woman’s face at this time but my aunt is perfect she looks beautiful even though she just woke up.'

Its not as bad as others I've seen, but, properly, it should look more like this: Usually, you can see the ugliness of every woman;s face at this time, but my aunt is perfect. She looks beautiful, even though she just woke up.

Also, in some sentences, the wrong words are used. 'He can fight you know, he made one guy PAID for his crime.' Should be: He can fight, you know. He made one guy PAY for his crime. In the original sentence, the tense is wrong.

The last thing I have to say is: Sometimes it was hard to tell when the character was thinking and when they were acting. In the future, try putting personal thoughts ( not when they talk to each other) is italics, or bold.
Kaelidra chapter 1 . 7/17/2007
O_O I love it. This is so going onto my favriotes. How often do you plan to update?
Snip2r chapter 1 . 7/17/2007
Hey, long time no hear. Thanks for the heads up... About your story. First spell check. Just re read it and spot them. Hm... you are using formal language. This makes the story very detached and it was as if your looking from the outside, it doesn't allow the reader to see what's inside of the main character.

Also, remember; Do not tell, but describe. Instead of " My father tried to comfort her" write something line "My father put his arms around her and hugged her." or something like that.

Check your spelling... I'll keep reading, don't worry.