|Reviews for Universe|
| Otseis Ragnarok chapter 8 . 9/23/2007
Onar- Review Revolution.
That was the single most depressing thing I've ever read. I do, however feel the need to comment on your dialogue.
The casual nature seemed incongruous compared to your figurative and descriptive language.
Lastly, I have to comment on the fact that you seem to enjoy causing your readers pain.
Ex:“Oh you don’t want to know, well I don’t want to know, or maybe we do, well, I’m scared and I don’t think I want to know but I don’t think I know what I think but then maybe I do know, or maybe I think I do know I but really don’t know cause I don’t know that I don’t know what I think…”
... WHAT THE HELL!
You were trying to mess with people weren't you?
First, you get all depressing, then, dialogue which doesn't fit with said mood... why?
In summary, you like fucking with people, but that's okay. I actually think it's agood thing, so don't feel bad. I respect that.
| Willowindrain chapter 8 . 9/22/2007
I feel sad that this story is technically over .I liked reading it because it had a sense of style that no one else had ever used (Well not that I've read of.)
Okay on a whole the Universe is A VERY nice read even though it has little words. You could maybe find and use more powerful words that can portray the sentence more emphatically.
I wonder... Is the world that we live in today sort of the same as what you're portraying? We don't really know what's going on or how it happens now do we? I mean we can put words to the stuff that happen but that doesn't mean we can explain how it all came about.
Welcome to the Unknown takes second place to my most favourite sentence of the whole serie next to best let tears go.
| Willowindrain chapter 6 . 9/22/2007
So far i dub this chapter THE BEST !
I finally understood where he was roaming. the Universe !(dur, knocks head on the table for not paying attention to the title.)
Reappearance of the shadow girl that came from heaven. Even though you think it's cheesy, I realy liked the talking between the two organisms.
When I read this piece, I felt that tears really do make stars. If you think it unlogically, tears glimmer and stars do glimmer too. I finally understood the Mourners and Sleepers and what they're doing .
Only one thing, ' Life to them, is the “pursuit of happiness.”'
Did you know that the pursuit of happiness has a twin (the Pursuit of Happyness) that is a movie?
| Willowindrain chapter 4 . 9/22/2007
Okay do i want to know what's up with his umbrella and white lamps ? I've never noticed but, mourners really do Bow, Bend, Curl and Straight don't they? Except for the occasional break down and sob your heart out.
Then he met a girl... which seems to get me confused.. Is she alive? If so , what in the wicked world was she doing in heaven?
In a whole, I liked the part where he said that It's Best to let tears go. I was soo touched.
| Willowindrain chapter 3 . 9/22/2007
Ah , so now i know that the 'He' is kinda neither dead nor alive. The sleeper that awoke (whoah total paradoxical words) did point out something intruiging... What is a symbol anyway ?
"His eyes move the Sleeper's chest.
What a weird way it moved.
Like a puffing mushroom"
I don't know why but here I started laughing and didn't stop until a full 2 minutes later. I think it was the fact that I never read of anyone describing the rise and fall of the human body's chest as a puffing mushroom... Or any vegetable ,in fact.
Okies that's it.
| Willowindrain chapter 1 . 9/22/2007
I decided that since there's eight pieces all together, I'll just review when i have something substantial to say. First of all, I loved the way that the whole thing just flows and we can interpret it like a work of art that it is.
Next, just some minor little questions and comments
"Blades curl with jaunt..."
~ Jaunt means something like excursion or is there a different definition that I'm not aware of?
"An unfamiliar wind whooshes by him"
I liked the way you italized whooshes . It made me feel as if the wind did really whoosh by.
"And the lamplight suddenly turns white..."
The sudden change of event really pulled me in . I really really liked this sentence the most.
Neway that's it for this chapter.
| Serom Kim chapter 8 . 9/21/2007
Sorry this review is so late, I haven't been in the mood to review, but I'm doing it now.
I liked this story, but I was kind of confused about where the setting was supposed to be. It's okay, though, it adds to the atmosphere. Your format was interesting, with each paragraph only a sentence or two long. Unusual but it works in this case. Why are the parenthesis (sp?) there, if I may ask? I don't think you need them, but if you did it for style, it's not a problem.
Did the story take place in some otherworldly location and end at Earth? Twilight and rain I recognize.
Can't give you any editing tips because I thought it was good. And I wouldn't know whether I'd be pointing out a mistake or something you did on purpose.
| Imalefty chapter 8 . 9/18/2007
O_O wow what? that was weird. i really enjoyed this piece, though. i like how it was kind of out of the ordinary, short read, but by no means easy. i loved your unique style and your main character with his umbrella was somehow really appealing... even though, i suppose, he didn't really do anything. :) welcome to my favs list...! :)
| Imalefty chapter 6 . 9/18/2007
i'm afraid i can't help you here. but i do think that this is a great chapter - it brings in a lot of strange ideas, but very real ones as well. (happiness, for instance.)
i'm not getting a real image of universe... i mean, it's kind of hinted at throughout the chapter. perhaps elaborate more on what universe is like?
i really can't help on dialogue. it felt good to me, so i guess i'd be satisfied. of course, i'm sure there are things to be revised, but i can't catch them right now... :\
great job so far!
| Imalefty chapter 5 . 9/18/2007
i like how you're playing with punctuation, form, etc. it's really mysterious... i'd like to see where you're going with this. next...!
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 9/18/2007
lefty here from guess where? review revolution!
love how you used a unique style that's somewhere in between poetry and prose. :) great descriptions even with the sparseness. to the next chapter...!
| DarkBlysse chapter 8 . 9/18/2007
"He has whitened in."-That's in need of some serious re-wording.
""Eek!...""-Using words like that is unprofessional, so I'd recommend saying, "He yelped" or something like that instead.
"(His umbrella wavers. It does nothing to stop the onslaught.)"-I'm not sure if you meant for this to happen, but this made me imagine the water going right through the umbrella, as if it only existed as an image, and did not function. I quite like that image. _*
And the ending is just beautiful. I'm quite glad that I came back to read the rest of this, as it is now going on my favorite stories list! :D
Bravo, Pegasi, and thank you for the thought-provoking, innovative read!
| DarkBlysse chapter 7 . 9/18/2007
First off, I'd like to reiterate what I said about keeping your formatting constant. If you want it flowy and otherworldly, break up the long bits of speech.
"“Oh you don’t want to know, well I don’t want to know, or maybe we do, well, I’m scared and I don’t think I want to know but I don’t think I know what I think but then maybe I do know, or maybe I think I do know I but really don’t know cause I don’t know that I don’t know what I think…”"
- :O... Someone needs to cut back on the Sugar Crisps... Man, if I'd tried to write something like that, I'd lose my mind in confusion.
| DarkBlysse chapter 6 . 9/18/2007
"Happiness is the main points of their whole lives..."-Should just be 'point' and not 'points' there.
"Life to them, is the “pursuit of happiness.”"-Forgot a quotation mark on the end, and when quoting within dialog you're supposed to use ' and not ".
"They're afraid to take one step outside in fear that they might ruin their lives.”"
-I find the emphasis on 'fear' to be a little... odd. It just doesn't mesh with the rest of her sentence.
"... so pretended that they had their own.”"-Should be an "and" before "so".
"“Sorry? Wha—oh."-You should really take that out, Pegasi. This whole time, she's been calm and reflective and here you've got her jumping out of her skin and over reacting.
"“After all, you'd only be ending up like the people in Heaven.”"-That's worded poorly.
"No, he will her tears fight by herself."-Er... I think you missed a word in there somewhere. I can't even understand this line.
"Are you happy"-Needs punctuation.
Ho, good ending for that chapter. And overall, the dialog was fine.
| DarkBlysse chapter 5 . 9/18/2007
"And the white lamplight disappears. Again."-I think there'd be more impact if you made "Again." its own line.
"He...will walk on the familiar. (He's really walking back. Back to past. It's not familiar. It's known.)"
-I really like this bit, especially the last two sentences in it.
He's falling? Where to? And... nothing? Gah... confused. But in a good way. O.o;;