Reviews for Universe
DarkBlysse chapter 4 . 9/18/2007
I'm back again! :D

"He is drawn to their walk.

Bow. Bend. Curl. Straight."

-I liked the contrasting flow of those lines. The first one is fluid, and the second one short and choppy. (I feel like I'm reviewing a poem now... -_-)

"His umbrella has caught a Tear.

For a moment, he just stares as he is filled with a sad nostalgia.

That poor Tear."

-Y'know what this story reminds me of? Salvador Dali paintings. Very surreal, and captivating. Imagination gone hog-wild.
DarkBlysse chapter 3 . 9/18/2007
I'm giving this another shot. While the formatting bugs me, I'm still curious about this all...

"A Sleeper...that is not Sleeping?"-Should be a space after the elipse.

"What black hole eyes he has"-I like that description a lot. I actually wish there was more description of the people and the surroundings (moreso for the people). What do these 'Sleepers' look like? And the main character?

"“You see, I want to see history! I want to be history! And so, twelve thousand years back, I...wait, I think it was ten thousand years...well, no matter. Anyway, long ago, I had this brilliant idea. An ingenious plan! I could make my dream come true! I could just become a Sleeper and wake up every few years and check up on the world, to see what I missed! Or course, this plan had many flaws...”"

-This really uglied up the page, Pegasi. Everything else is in short lines and then BAM! Paragraph. If you're into the formatting like you've got it, chop this up a little.

"“So my boy, let me ask you a question. Has anyone ridden a Symbol yet?”

He's like water.

“So my boy, let me ask you a question. Has anyone ridden a Symbol yet?”"

-May I ask why you repeated the question in there?

"Equilibrium.

A Symbol shimmers out of view."

-Love your use of 'equilibrium' here. And now I'm curious as to whether this 'Jack' is going to reappear later or not. I like him. Mysterious, ambitious, odd.

Okay... I'm warming up to this a little, Pegasi. *Shifty eyes.* Maybe I jumped to conclusions. _;;
The Ferrett chapter 1 . 9/17/2007
Very compact. Like a poem but not quite. Really don't know what to make of it. The repeat of the first letter in some lines is both offputing and looks to be a device of some sort. Hmm.

Oh yeah this is from RR.
FreakierThanThou chapter 8 . 9/17/2007
Butterfly? Huh?

That was pretty much my reaction to this entire story. It was beautiful, interesting, and intelligently written, but maybe TOO intelligently written. You're leaving your readers behind here! It might be your abstract style, but it's a very confusing story.

I don't want you to stop to explain everything, that would ruin it. What I might suggest is, not a definition, but examples, descriptions. Tell us what is a Symbol, for example, or what the heck is going on.

Or don't. It's your story, and while that would make it better, frankly, it's already really good.

Keep writing,

-Fran
FreakierThanThou chapter 6 . 9/17/2007
"But he knows he's listening." Did you mean "She" knows he's listening? That's an actual question, unlike in most of my reviews, I really don't know.

What do you mean by the Symbols, or is that yet to be explained?

I really like the conversation in this chapter, the way they discuss people's need for happiness and what they might be really after. It's really interesting.

Keep writing,

-Fran
FreakierThanThou chapter 5 . 9/17/2007
Still not making much sense, but still love your style. It's flowing, sort of, really nice. I especially like this chapter and the phrases in parantheses. "Will time ever stop?" It was good. I liked it.

Keep writing,

-Fran
FreakierThanThou chapter 1 . 9/17/2007
Review Revolution here!

Interesting... So far seems totally random, but I have faith that you'll explain it. Who's he? Why's he walking? Why does he fall? What happens? It really makes me want to read more, you mysterious person, you!

"What a scary wind..." Now this may seem a little picky, but this story is already so far so good that I need to nitpick. The word 'scary' there, for some reason, doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. I'd recommend another synonym or near match: frightening, terrifying, foreboding, ect. I like foreboding a lot, but that's just my opinion, which you don't have to take.

Overall interesting, engaging, and well-written.

Keep writing,

-Fran
DarkBlysse chapter 2 . 9/17/2007
"Search Lights search him."-I don't really like the repetition of 'search' in this line. And again, why is "Search Lights" capitalized?

All in all, Pegasi, this just isn't my cup of tea. *Shrug* I don't like the formatting one bit, and it's just so... sparse. I like meat in my stories and this is naught but bones.
DarkBlysse chapter 1 . 9/17/2007
Vive la Revolution!

Okay... at first, I thought I'd clicked on the wrong link or summat, because it looked like a poem to me. But, apparently, it's a story. Can't say I'm too fond of this way of formatting it though, even if it is somewhat original.

"It all started with Time ended..."-This reads poorly. "...when Time ended..." would sound much better.

"His wings shimmer in and out of view.

He's forgotten about them.

But someday, perhaps...perhaps..."

-I'm torn about this part. While I like the idea and imagery, I also find it to be terribly cliche. Y'know, fallen angel and whatnot. At least, that's how it looks to me so far.

"Everything creaks with familiarity."-I would suggest changing this to something along the lines of "Everything does" rather than repeating the phrase "creaks with familiarity".

"He will stare at the Rain Clouds."-Is there any reason you've got "Rain Clouds" capitalized?

"But someday, perhaps...perhaps..."-I like how you've repeated this bit.

So far, Pegasi, this isn't really catching my attention or making me want to read on. But, I'll give you another shot and hit the next chapter now.
Fractured Illusion chapter 8 . 8/20/2007
"He has whitened in"

I don't really get this sentence, so you might want to consider re-wording it.

And OMG I just noticed it's now labeled "Complete"! . Just when I story alerted it. Gah. I am slow -.-

Ooh, is the girl in this chapter the one from before, with an eyepatch? :D Yay, they are together again.

Although I have to say, I don't get much at all, I have enjoyed it. It's just the way you describe things and such. Its short yet very beautiful.

Yes. Beautiful. Also poetic at times.

Good work you've got here! It deserves more attention!

- Frac
Fractured Illusion chapter 7 . 8/20/2007
"It’s scary isn’t it.”"

Question deserves question mark, unless I didn't get the memo stating otherwise :P

"What are you doing!"

same thing here

"He has stood up.

This is Nothing.

He’s staring at Nothing.

It’s quite empty."

Ooh, tasteful

And wow, I really like the ending for this chapter. really powerful! Keep it up! (and crap I apologize for missing the updates! I better story alert this!)
Agapantha chapter 8 . 8/14/2007
No! I want more! I really do. This isn't a story that can end. It should keep going and going and going. I want to find out who he is! No! Stop! You'd better write a sequel.

No, I really love this.

No, no, no.

(Does that mean you've got another idea for another story/poem?)

Please don't stop. ( (I can't even do a suitably sad enough face.)

Ok, I'll forget about yelling at you for ending it and I'll congratulate you on an absolutely brilliant story! Honestly, it is DEFINITELY one of the BEST. Absolutely, absolutely. Thankyou, it was brilliant.
Agapantha chapter 7 . 8/14/2007
Wow, wow, wow, wow. I really do love this, it's so so surreal. I LOVE IT!

Wow.
Agapantha chapter 6 . 7/26/2007
He wonders if he should ask what “happiness” is.

Aw, poor little man. tell him now - I think it's cruel personally.

Her eyes remind him of a Mourner's candle, yet they don't at the same time.

that's clever - like, they remind him of the candle, but they don't actually look like one.

He doesn't know why, but he's smiling.

There, that's my line - it's so sweet.
Agapantha chapter 5 . 7/26/2007
He can see Everything flashing by him.

Until there's Nothing left at all

Mysterious, wo, I still love it - and I'm so glad my computer has decided to permit me to read it again. XD
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