Reviews for Universe
Fractured Illusion chapter 6 . 7/26/2007
This chapter is the best one so far! It really is! I like the descriptions of how they looked that so casually appeared, and the dialogue is really something.

As for the dialogue; not entirely realistic on all points I am afraid to say. But you know what? I found absolutely no problem with it. It matches this story so much I didn't particularly notice this isn't how you usually speak.

Transitions between dialogue and other is done well, it all just flows. Description was alright. I still have no clear view of the Universe, sorry. I have an image of the two though (needle and eye patch )

Best chapter so far! And lovely ending line!
Fractured Illusion chapter 5 . 7/26/2007
Oh how. I might just look for too literal meanings, but he jumped off the cliff right?

You have interesting descriptions, and I like the mystery of the whole thing. I hope I will come to understand it all later though :P
Fractured Illusion chapter 4 . 7/26/2007
This is so surreal and I hardly understand. Is he amongst ghosts? Is he a spirit? It seems like it to me... And that girl, from heaven? Hmm...

Interesting still though! I am enjoying it!
Fractured Illusion chapter 3 . 7/26/2007
What are these Symbols? And no, the Sleeper went away. And I enjoyed him so much. He had character, it was interesting. But I am awfully confused as to what is going on. Umbrella indicates present time? Another world? Ack I am lost...
Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 7/26/2007
Is the grey supposed to represent that he felt gloomy before now he is white so not anymore?

The grass was charred in the previous chapter, so I assume his home/village burned down. Now he is on the cometary, of the ones who died in the fire? I don't know what he wants to do with Undine though :P
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 7/26/2007
Not really my style, and I was mostly in a "meh" state of mind until the "He does not cry" part and onward. Then it all seemed to turn surrealistic for me. What Symbol? O.o *so confused, but confusion is good*
B. V. Peron chapter 6 . 7/23/2007
I don't think you should change a thing about your imagery. You reveal enough but not too much. If the pictures your words create in my mind are different from the ones you're thinking of, it doesn't really matter, because it works.

As far as the dialogue goes, it probably could be a little more realistic. I think that when people talk about deep subjects, especially with someone they don't know very well, there's a little more self-consciousness in their speech-more false starts, less transparency.

Hope my commentary is of help. :)
Agapantha chapter 4 . 7/23/2007
Heys again!

Ok, before I review your chapter proper I just wanted to say Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou for the replies - they make reviewing worthwhile. Also, good guess as to where I live, only, yuo kinda got it half the globe wrong - I don't live anywhere nearly as exciting - just little 'ole England.

Also I realised why I didn't like the last chapter so much - it was too clear! For the first time it was written in a simple..ish chronological order and, although I was missing a considerable amount of background info, I still knew what was happening in the here and now. Is that any help? Maybe not. XD

Anyways - onto reviewing proper. (just thankyou one more time for the replies)

I'm afraid I didn't particularly find a line which stood out to me this time - maybe they were all so good that it got hidden - although I did enjoy this one.

'From Heaven, I counted three windows. How many did you count'

This time it was more a concept that I appreciated as opposed to a line - I found an idea that was brilliant instead. When his umbrella caught on a Tear you instantly think it's ripped, but you use the different word for the spelling - a tear - and I was quite surprised that I managed to catch onto that but I liked it. Alot.

You know, it is that they're all so good that I can't find 1 line. I also liked

'Maybe he was'

'You don't light up at all'

'She's like...

Like nothing he has ever known.'

Anyways. Lovely chapter, again, there were some brilliant concepts in there as well, and I'm starting to like your little world. Maybe I'll be able to see it through a clearer window later. Keep it up!

Panths
Agapantha chapter 3 . 7/22/2007
Ok, I have to admit I didn't like this chapter so much but yet I did. It depends. If I think of it like a story I love this chapter just as much, if I think of it as a poem, not so - some of the lines are a bit long. So I dunno - I guess I'll have to decide what it is. It still had that line of genius though:

'And the Sleeper keeps grinning'

Keep it up! Have really got to sleep now but will definiately finish reading it tomorrow

Panths

Ps, I forgot to say - 'the hat was tilted upwards' should really be 'is' to avoid tense confusion.
Agapantha chapter 2 . 7/22/2007
Again, shorter, but still with a beautiful imagery. So far you've seemed to have one line in each chapter which seems to shine out to me as complete genious:

'It's almost as if he's...white.'

I like this because it's kind of a story, I'm a narrative writer and that's what I appreciate. Also, as maybe I've shown slightly, maybe I haven't, I absolutely despise the poetry which sticks to the usual, the thoughts, the feelings. It kinda defeats the object imo. I like clever things and like turning one image on its head. This is clever - this is truning poetry on its head

Love it.

Panths.

Ps, this is the only poetry added to my favourites, if you needed proof on how much I like it.
Agapantha chapter 1 . 7/22/2007
I figured that this was probably the one you liked best as it was your most resent so I decided to have a look at it first.

'Perhaps one day he will dance.' Excellent, absolutely excellent.

The only things I could find at all were the tiniest details which were based around a personal opinion anyway - so, long analytical explanaition short (because it is very late) I loved it.

Panths
B. V. Peron chapter 3 . 7/19/2007
I have to say that I'm fascinated by this. Something about it reminds me of Stephen King's Dark Tower books. At first I wasn't so sure about the style, but now I think that it works. I'm particularly impressed by the imagery.

Keep writing! I look forward to finding out the answers to all the questions you've created.
J. A. Kossler chapter 3 . 7/19/2007
Interesting way of meshing dialogue with your style. I like it.

Description is looking better here. The thoughts that go through narrator's head (("reminds him of bubbling water")) is interesting. For now, I'm confused about what's going on, but it's a good confusion.

Added!

-JAK
J. A. Kossler chapter 2 . 7/19/2007
Detail, detail, detail, please.

If you include some very vivid verbal images, this can be more powerful. You seem to graze the top of the iceberg for such a phenominon, but do try to delve more into description!

-JAK
J. A. Kossler chapter 1 . 7/19/2007
Other people might not agree, but I actually think this is a very nice, unique story. I can honestly say I have never seen a story done in this style (I mean, maybe you could stretch it to lyrical style, but it's not lyrical).

All in all, I'm very impressed by your stylistic creativity. If you mix ti with a good story, you're going to have something very powerful on your hands.

Best of luck!

-JAK

(Please look at my story, too! :D)
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