Reviews for The Raider's Dream |
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![]() ![]() ![]() great job with the prologue... it definitely catches interest, sets up the plot, and begins the story. your descriptions are well written. :) "the voice elevated from raised to outright scream" - this was a little awkward sounding... prehaps reword it? but other than that, this was overall a job well done. it definitely catches the reader's attention, and it provides background to your main character. i noticed, though, that your next chapters are exceptionally long... i would suggest cutting them down a bit (perhaps split them in at least two) because many readers here on fictionpress are daunted by long chapters. your prologue is about the right length (at least) for a fictionpress chapter... but i wouldn't go more than two times the length of your prologue. other than that, great start! :) i would read more but i don't have quite that much time at the moment. i'll hopefully be able to return to this story, since it does have a catching beginning. keep writing! -Lefty ps: for more reviews... go to "The Review Game" forum! there's a link on my profile page... :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() So I did it again. I promised that I would review a certain day and then I didn’t. Gee, I’m a horrible person. I can only hope that you can forgive me. So… I’m supposed to be working on an English paper at the moment, but I’ve decided that your story takes precedence and decided to review it instead! You should feel grateful. Again, I’m going to critique it, storywise and grammatically. So, I must begin. I now commence my review for Chapter 2 of The Raider’s Dream. Enjoy. Again, you detail of the setting is astounding. The way you put it makes me feel as though I am actually there. I get a great mental image of the surroundings and delight in the brilliant and carefully plotted writing. If only I had talent such as you. In the 11th paragraph, first line, you wrote: “The crew were spread out across the deck, scrubbing brushes and holystones, hammers, saws and a plethora of other tools in hand…” The ‘were’ should be changed to a ‘was’, methinks. While ‘were’ sounds correct if you read it aloud, ‘was’ is the grammatically correct way of writing it. ‘Were’ is used with plurals, implying that there was more than one crew, which in this case you would say ‘The crews were spread…’. But I’m pretty sure that there is only one crew, so the correct way of putting this would be ‘The crew was spread…’. In paragraph 14, you wrote: “‘Thanks, Kineth,’ he muttered striding towards the mainmast, then he cupped his hands to his mouth and called for Alyn at the top of his voice. This overall sentence doesn’t really flow. It is actually a sentence fragment, which would probably be the reason that it sounds all wrong when read aloud. I believe that the brunt of the fault lies within the words, ‘then he cupped his hands…’. This can be remedied by the slightest changing of words, such as: “’Thanks, Kineth,’ he muttered striding towards the mainmast. He stopped and cupped his hands…” Simply turn it into two sentences and voila! It is easier to read and looks better to the eye (not to mention grammatically correct ::Wink::). I like the conversation about Alanna. Ankles? Haha… Ahem sorry. I just think that ‘ankles’ is a truly hysterical word. I crack up every time I say it. But it stresses the reservations that Alyn has for being a seaman. I can tell that he loves the sea, but perhaps that he longs for something more…? In anycase, it is very interesting. Hate to break it to you, but ‘unshouldering’ is not a real word. At least it isn’t in American English. I’m supposing that since you right meters as ‘meteres’ and color as ‘colour’ and so on, that you are indeed from elsewhere? I’m just a silly Texan, so don’t mind me. I like your focus on Ghant. Your description of him really gives us a clue on what he’s like physically. Especially the focus on his weapons and how the way he held himself showed that he might not wield them very well… It’s a nice touch. I like the line that Face says, about his parrot: “I tripped and fell whilst I was trying to impale my talking parrot on my wooden leg.” I laughed so hard, I nearly fell off of my stool. The librarian had to tell me to shut up… In the line: “’Just in case you need some back-up,” Alyn said, falling in next to Jake, “don’t want you getting shot; I need paid y’know.’” I think that you mean ‘need to be paid.’. The way it stands is grammatically incorrect in six ways to Sunday. I honestly think though, that this is nothing but a typo. The way that you describe Valde, with “his jowls wobbling’”, is a truly distinctive picture. You have this amazing ability to describe everything with crystal clear clarity. It truly is amazing. The way that the man speaks clearly indicates that he has a thick accent. It is very interesting to read, indeed. I like how the ‘gold’ is really a wad of bills. Tickled me pink, really. Kait is truly an interesting person. I kind of figured that Alyn would leave in the end. It’s truly sad, I rather liked him. He was witty and sometimes a little foul-mouthed for his own good. But, perhaps it’s for the best, eh? All in all, this was again, an amazing chapter. You really do have a gift for writing. Well, I have to go. I’ll try to read more tonight, but I’m going to go see the Beowulf movie with some friends of mine. But we’ll see. Over and Out. _Jesse_ P.S. Do you need Beta reader? |
![]() ![]() ![]() So how old is Jake, you haven't mentioned his age so far. I really like your story other than that it is good. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hello there! I am so sorry for my sextended leave of absence. I know that I told that I would review soon, but I did not account on the death of someone dear to me. Anyway, I am here now, so it doesn't matter anymore! A note, my reviews get lengthy. I write them as I read. Helps me remeber what I am to tell you. So, now for my review on Chapter One: Dawn Breaks I really like how you describe the setting and the character of Jake. We already seem like we know him sort of, from the description of his room down to the flashbacks in his dream. It's a nice bit of imagery, telling us about him without actually spelling it out for us. Alyn Taverner seems like an interesting preson as well, obviously loyal to Jake and the ship. And this Kaitlyn woman... Hrm. That's all I can say. When you are describing her, you wrote: "Long, flowing red hair – held back from a heart-shaped face with a multitude of hair bands, bandanas and braids. Big, deep green eyes, a slightly too bold, upturned nose, and an ornate tattoo that wound its way along the right side of her face and neck." I think that the phrase, 'a slightly too bold,' you should get rid of the 'too'. It doesn't flow quite right (you can check this by reading it out loud). I liked how you noted taking off his hat while eating. Perhaps he has some manners... I find it interesting that Kaitlyn can use magic. It is a nice touch, meshing what could of been real with the surreal. Then agian, this is fantasy, isn't it? It seems that there are other woman on the ship? Hmm... that's supposed to be bad luck. ~ 'Benevolent Orchid' my ass, they attacked the Raider! They seem hardly friendly. I like the line, "'Curiosity killed the parrot.'". - Upon finishing the chapter, I have several comments to make. You have an amazing talent with words. You can string them together with accuaracy and enchantment. I like everything that you wrote here. You had a good hook in the beginning. I am rarely captured by the beginning of stories, having to endure the pain of horrid writing until it actually gets good. Yous eem to get right to the point right at the beginning. You have a knack for writing conversation. All of the interaction between the characters was tastefull and unique. I really like it. This chapter was good. Very good. You are a very talented person. Well, my class is almost over, so I have to leave, but I will review the second chapter when I get home. Over and out. -Marquin |
![]() ![]() ![]() I got about half way through, but I have to stop now, because I have to go, but it's getting good. I love stories with ships. This chapter is long! Good job though. :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() So, I clicked on your story because it sounded very interesting, and so far, I am very impressed. This prologue has captured my attention, and I will difinitely keep reading 'The Raider's Dream'. It seems that you know where you are going with this story, which is a great thing seeing as how I myself start but never finish... Your usage of imagry and your descriptions are nothing short of brilliant. And this is only the prologue. I can tell it'll only get better. Until next chapter, Marquin ((That's my real nickname. )) |
![]() ![]() ![]() So far, so good. No mistacks from what I saw, but there was some akward wording that you used that broke the flow of the story. Re-read out loud and see if it works to you. Anyways, good job. I will be reading the next chapter and reviewing. :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() This is really very good. Without a doubt one of the best stories I've read on this site within the last week or so. I'm surprised no one else has commented on it yet. Jake's a very likable character... Heh, sorry I don't really have anything of substance to add (I'm not very good at giving reviews- just wanted to let you know I enjoyed it!). |