|Reviews for Involuntary|
| dizzynetbookgirl chapter 1 . 3/11/2011
i accidentally stumbled onto this story and it's totally different from anything else i've read on FP. i loved it.
| LadyAmethyst93 chapter 1 . 4/2/2008
damn. . .I love the intensity of your work. . .it was really good, amazing _
| The Poplocking Ninja chapter 1 . 8/7/2007
I was working from the home computer (like I am right now) a couple of days ago, writing up the next part of this review, and then I sent it (glorious, but not huge) and it died. Thank you, Dial-Up. I was discouraged, but now I'm back after a series of really good reads and one bad one. With notepad out. So I could save this review before I send it. I'm paranoid.
I wanted to backtrack to talk about the reference to Street Fighter 2 and the original House of the Dead. It is so fucking accurate to have oldass games in a pizza parlor; they never seem to update. I walked into a donut shop for thai iced tea a couple of weeks ago and saw RAIDEN 2 there. Talk about oldass. I think later on down the line, when historicists uncover all this stuff, they'll see time reference based on the videogames we name drop. Which is the specific purpose for mentioning GTA: San Andreas in Windless. Because writing up the story in the early nineties would've been awesome-if I didn't have to research. Just too damn lazy.
[A few football players hang there also, especially the second- and third-stringers, but all they ever wanna do is brag to everybody about some big block or pass deflection, while also using it as a pick-up line with all the girls.] Every time I read this I'm bothered. It's just that it's extremely synthetic and campy; I understand that they create ambiance and they're just part of the background, but I think it's the specificity of the pick up lines, of them being brags about blocks or deflections. I don't know enough about that whole football crowd, but I could guess they're talking about something else, like something stupid that the other team did rather than something awesome that they themselves did. Hell, we don't even HAVE to know what the pick-up line is, but it's corny, Forrest!
[... I’d certainly like to put my dick in her.” He slapped my arm.] After reading this a couple of times, it started clicking in my head that I could just replace Dennis' voice with someone else's voice, like Napoleon Dynamite, which makes all the lines extremely hilarious.
Ahh. I just had the best tasting steak in like, a few months now. Ready to rock!
[It made me want to go home and slit my wrists. And I ain’t even emo.] -bitches about the second line again!-
[We both ignored the hell outta him, though.] My favorite phrase to use in any piece. The day I hear someone else besides me use this in real life is the day I buy that person like, something cheap, that shows my appreciation. lmao
[I compromised by putting in some AC/DC. Dennis only listens to stuff like Snoop Dogg.] No offense to other people who listen to rap because I do, too, but like, a majority of people who listen to rap, even anti-establishment underground are really, really fucking retarded. And I mean that in the nicest way. Like, they have an alright comprehension for things, but like, even a good joke goes over them, and they just say, "Awright, awright" or "coo', coo'" which totally bugs the hell out of me.
[He’s just now a freshy, for cryin’ out loud.] There's something about the word "freshy" that I don't like. The narrator is pretty cool, for the most part. Freshy is like, Zack B. from Scrubs: High School edition.
lmfao Sixth receiver, special teams. man, that is a joke. But it's sad anyway, that little guy has a big mouth! [And then Dennis, never knowing when to shut his mouth: “Bring it on, bitch!”] LOL LOL
[Thanks to some stupid embankment there wasn’t enough room to pull all the way off the road. I could just imagine just some big ass eighteen-wheeler barreling around the curve and totaling my car.] LMFAO! Oh! I remember, I wrote this in my previous continuation review that died. This section reminded me of those black and white dramatizations that Oprah and Unsolved Mysteries uses, like, where you just see the blurr of headlights and hear a big rig horn or something. I was laughing my ass off the first two times I read this because the SAME EXACT IMAGE kept popping up lmao
[When I opened the door, I heard Jason yelling: “Tackle my ass now if you so big and bad!”] I think this is the "you" thing I was talking about, the poetic license thing. I think this is the sentence that made me wonder whether this was poetic license or a blunder. Because in the other dialogue lines later on down the line, it sounded normal. But here it sounds kind of weird.
I just wanted to say that this read isn't as enjoyable as "Wider, Wider" but of COURSE I'd take it over "Beep, Pow, Meow". I think what saps the humor out of this story (and seriously, I've been thinking about this for days) is the fact that the story starts off at low energy and the only people with energy isn't even laid back, he's actually extremely neurotic. So like, the other two being grumpy and out of it, mixed with Dennis who is like, fucking energy in a can takes away the humor. If all three of them were laid back, it would be pretty hilarious. But it's like, Dennis is young so he's not trying to be funny; he's more sort of, needy. And the main character has funny parts in the narrative (nothing has to be HA HA HA humor, by no means, especially not for this story), but it doesn't bubble along like a Mark Twain story. Later on, especially the D for this and the D for that part, I got so. Mad! I think, of course, a lot of a piece's ambiance has to do with an author's mood (though I hate introducing that element most of the time with most other authors), but I think you should consider the mood of this piece. Because it seriously drags until Dennis dies, and a substantial part of the story, especially a merit-filled, well-written part of the story, is lost just because of the mood.
I know it's hard to like, re-write an intro with a different feel without destroying the rest of the piece, but please consider it. I know I haven't asked for that sort of thing before, but I think this story has a lot to it and it's so thought out even though the writing is frenzied, but it's the mood that considerably weighs down the pace and readability of this story.
[When I let him go, he kinda staggered backwards a bit, pinwheeling his arms to try and keep his balance.] Man, I loved this description. Because even when the word "pinwheeling" has a comical effect, it generates one of the most solid images.
[I had to take baby steps down the hill because the leaves and pine needles were sliding all around underneath my feet.] I fucking hate traveling down foresty hills in the dark. I did it once and I'm never doing it again. [Eventually I just let my momentum carry me down, half sliding, half trotting to the bottom.] Good physics for this portion.
[I tried to do the whole C.S.I thing by jabbing two fingers into his throat.] lmfao C.S.I. is great. I love C.S.I. Las Vegas. I don't get all the channels on my T.V. so my brother has to like, buy the DVDs so I could watch more. I'm slowly forgetting good old Grisolm and his prime lines.
[So with my other hand I checked for my own pulse, but my heart was beating so goddamn fast I could’ve probably felt it in my feet.] This line is exceptional. This is something you can only write if you have great memory because no one remembers this feeling. Because it's usually replaced by that lactic acid burning through your joints. Did you like, run around a lot and check how you felt? Because I remember you writing somewhere once (an LJ community post?) that sometimes you get on your hands and knees and like, do stuff to figure out how to write about it. I'm like that, too, except I talk to like, a wall when I'm in the shower. Point, stare, snivel, look away, until I figure out what works and then it just becomes extremely pointless when I write it down because I SUCK with dialogue tags and crap.
[“Oh, damn’t, man— What are we gonna do?”] I've always wondered why you put that apostraphe there; I mean, you've been doing it since forever, but whenever I hear someone say "damn it", I hear the "it" in "damn it". I tried saying it with that apostraphe, and it sounds like, "dam-nit" instead of "DAMN IT".
[We kept on arguing for at least five minutes, tossing the blame back and forth like we were playing a stupid game of hot potato.] I like this description every time I see it.
Ah, there's the "The Body" part.
[“Yeah, huh! Black bears!” God, I sounded like a little kid.] lmfao you're like the first one in ages to use the phrase "Yeah huh!" I so hear the kid in that.
[Dennis’s spirit was obviously with us, too, ‘cause we were slingin’ F-bombs left and right.] lmfao!
[I understand now what they mean by dead weight, too. Dennis couldn’t have weighed much more than a hundred and ten— hell, even I can bench that— yet it was all we could do to lift him just a couple inches off the ground.] Damn great physics!
Ouch shit that bumper part, man, that's like
[AC/DC was still playing in the stereo. I turned it way, way down. “Highway To Hell” didn’t exactly seem appropriate at the moment.] LOL this made me giggle each time I've read it. I love you, man.
The involuntary manslaughter exchange was really good.
[My hands were wet with sweat, yet I was still gripping the steering wheel tight enough to make my knuckles white.] At this part, it would be good to imagine how fucking itchy they are with adrenaline but also the dust and dirt and the blood. I'd feel like I had bugs crawling all over me if I picked up a dead body. It's just a dirty job, that's all.
[Jason flipped the visor back up with more force than necessary. “I don’t know! Just stop talking about it, okay? God! We’re not gonna go to jail!"] LMAO LMAO i'm hearing Napoleon Dynamite again "GOSH"
I love that exchange, how the narrator is trying to knock some sense into Jason, and then Jason just starts -bawling-. That was really awesome.
[“You Can’t Spell Manslaughter Without Laughter!” I can’t believe I ever laughed at something like that. What the hell is wrong with me?] I know! Shit! I keep laughing at those Jew jokes and like, what if another Holocaust happens, you know?
[Did that really matter, though? Did gas burn even if the car was idle? God, I never realized how uninformed I was until tonight. Why don’t they teach this kinda shit in school? Seriously.] I already talked about this, but I really think this is the highlight of your story; being extremely uninformed. I'd be in a fucking meltdown if I was trying to recall what involuntary manslaughter and all that meant.
[I mean, my tongue felt like a goddamn cotton ball or something.] A cotton ball was perfect. Man.
There's that part where he inanely gets Mountain Dew, which I don't doubt could happen, but he would at least be able to see the blood on his hands as he opens the glass case; I mean the lighting is fluorescent for God's sake! (I know I already bitched about this one lmao)
And dude, if I were him, I WOULD HAVE hid in the bathroom. I would've hid in there and washed myself off- (bitched about this, too)
Wouldn't Jason have blood on him, too?
[There might as well have been a keychain attached to them that read: FREEDOM!] LOL! this was corny but it made me laugh
[I snuck a glance in my rearview mirror to see the cop running back to his car. Jason was just standing there, watching me drive off.] Man, I imagined this, too. For some reason, I also imagine a furry dice dangling from his rear view mirror and his car to be an oldass porsche or something. or like something out of Transformers with that air freshner that looks like a bee and says: "Bee-otch" LMFAO
[I jerked the wheel, but I guess I was going too fast ‘cause I totally overshot my driveway and crashed right into a ditch.] That is such a male description, to "overshoot a driveway". I love male descriptions! hot! But, like, realistically, the narrator didn't save Jason because the cop is still going to take him into custody for questioning. Maybe drive him home, talk to the parents, etc.
It's only the most natural instinct to go home, but that was such a bad move. Though seriously, like I said the first time, I really wished it was a dream, too. That poor kid just went through too much.
[Once my morning boner had subsided and I’d wiped all that nasty sandman crap from my eyes, I went and checked on Dennis in the guest room.] I was wondering about that morning erection. Do guys get boners off pure adrenaline? Like, if they're playing basketball and it's a good game, do they get get boners from that? I want to know for my new story. XD;
[Usually I’d be doing the whole Tom-and Jerry-float-through-the-air-by-my-nostrils thing, but not today.] lmao! so! corny!
[I checked in the living room to see if Dennis was watching Saturday morning cartoons. He wasn’t.] Dude, a kid like Dennis? Even if he IS a freshman in high school, he listens to rap music and has a seriously foul mouth and he's lewd, too. I would expect he'd think it extremely uncool to be watching morning cartoons. If he was up early in the morning surfing the net or checking his MySpace, I think that would totally make more sense.
OH MY FUCKING GOD! This next part where Dennis is like, half alive, this was the BEST PART!
[His skin had this weird blueish tint to it, and his hair was all matted up with blood and dirt. He looked like the heroin-addict offspring of a zombie and a wax doll.] Don't forget, it SMELLS LIKE FUCKING HELL! rigor mortis starts taking effect within the first few hours, and after like, five, the body barely becomes identifiable if it isn't preserved properly. The stench is so strong that like, you could smell it from a long way's off. It's the worst thing in the world. summer time and this body's sitting in there over night, they found a guy in the trunk of a car at the apartments a block away, and I was walking there, and it SMELLED LIKE HELL. i wanted to gag from that small whiff, but how much more for whoever the hell found that thing? It gives off that same feeling of revulsion I got watching a porn scene a couple of days ago where the girl was getting double-fisted; man, her cunt was trashed, I wanted to throw up all over myself after watching a good ten seconds of it. I mean, I still wanted to see the body, but seriously, the smell just... it's disgusting. Even if Dennis is still a little alive, you'd better believe that stench is still going to be there.
[Almighty Bastard upstairs just dropped an atomic bomb right on my goddamn head. I was punk’d by God.] LMFAO!
[He made some gurgling sound, blood bubbled up out of his mouth, and then his head rolled limply to the side. His eyes were still open, too, only I could just see the whites of them, like they were uncooked eggs or something.] this is really good. I loved this part; my heart broke for the narrator
[Forget about accidentally pushing him down an embankment, I’d just let him bleed to death in my filthy ass trunk. I’d killed him. Voluntarily.] Ah, the literary revelation. Man, this is the worst thing to have to tell yourself.
[D for Drive? More like D for Dumbass. D for Despicable-Piece-of-Shit. D for I-Deserve-to-Fucking-DIE!] -foams at the mouth.- FORREST. I HATE THIS PART! TAKE IT OUT
[I’m still wishing one had.] Shit, he's probably behind bars thinking about it. Man, an accidental death would've been bliss.
Again, it was a great piece, but it wasn't that fun to read. It was just the combination and ambiance, some parts in the narration. It's like, the narration is sort of bright, happy. The humor isn't dead pan or dark or even dry, it's like this innocent sort of humor that doesn't mesh so well. I wasn't sure about the tone of this piece, what to take seriously and what not to (but you know I take everything seriously and unseriously at the same time). There was a lot of conflicting sentiments riding on this piece and that really sucks because it had such a sense of unity description-wise, so well-written. All that MERIT.
Please reconsider a re-write, maybe five hundred words shorter if not a thousand. There's a lot of drag, and I don't think it has to do with length, I just really think your writer's integrity is getting in the way, trying to convince, authenticate, make concrete descriptions.
Don't fade back into obscurity again or I'm going to get so mad. Just when I got my reviewing mojo back, too. I'd better see a new story or a revision of something come out soon; don't leave me hangin'!
Phew. I did a lot of mental yelling today. And I so found a story that sucks monkey balls. I just said flat out that this chick's story sucked, because it did. It's like, tattooed on my brain. I hate that.
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 7/31/2007
Real quick comments before I go back and summon other thoughts:
LMFAO suicidal deer!
What really freaked me out was that Dennis seemed to have been resurrected for this story just to get killed again. It's like, retribution for him killing his ex's family (and her new boyfriend) and making her suck off her dad and all that. He seems to be the same age, sort of. Same demeanor. It's like the story's murdering an old ideal-that might be going too far, but that's how I felt.
I also liked that one part where Dennis becomes "The Body"; the psychology behind distancing yourself from someone else by making them inanimate-I think in instances where a bad husband calls his wife a thing, or when a moment becomes an object rather than an abstract memory really brings out the meaning of a story. There's a huge displacement of blame. First, the hot potato thing (lmfao that was hilarious): whose fault was it, next: voluntary or involuntary, another: Dennis, is he a responsibility or a person, the narrator's cousin or just another casualty? It was crazy that a whole night's sleep, or rather, a long passage of time has to pass before the narrator can see what he did as voluntary-well, I think Dennis gurgling blood and lying there with his eyes open (the eggs description was beautiful) kind of did it, but the idea of an overnight thought is interesting. The story has a mid-section pumped with adrenaline, that in the epicenter of action and circumstance, there is minimal thought or intent-everything seems more defensive, reactionary. But in the beginning and end sections, there's something conscious, knowing. This story can diagram almost any situation that is life-changing or big-it doesn't have to be a dead cousin, I mean. It could be a relationship, choosing schools, getting a job, etc. It's why I like it so much.
There was one part when they're dragging Dennis whent he narrator uses the word "drug" as past tense for the infinitive "to drag", but that's grammatically incorrect. I could see it as poetic license for the narrative, but the narrative is pretty grammatically correct, even with its slang-there're apostrophes and everything (ya'll, damn't, etc.). The only other real grammatical error I saw was Jason saying on different ocassions "you" instead of "you're" but that's just a dialogue thing, or the way people pronounce words. So I'm not sure about the "drug" part.
And there's that one part at the gas station where there's freaking flourescent lighting and it's only the cop who sees Dennis' clothes sopping with blood. I think Dennis should've been scared to try and hand the cashier money because he's got blood -all over his hands-. The simple reason was that she wasn't looking at him or paying attention, but when she's handing money, she should notice his hands-or at least he should notice them and try to wipe them on his pants before he purchases drinks. Even go to the bathroom and try to wash it out
Oh, man, but that part where they drop Dennis and he thunks his head twice, I was wincing. That made me shiver.
Another general comment: This seems to be the first experiment in panic-work, or a more fluid but also spontaneous work. "Writer's Block" had a calculative story writer, "Blood, Cum, and Dildo Crosses" had another pretty calculative killer, "Wider, Wider", and "A Typical Internet Love Story" dealt with the almighty plot fishing line: "what happens when X meets Y". I think the story this is closest to in design are "Git-R-Done" and "Beep, Pow, Meow", the spontenaity of the works, the flow of action, the mayhem of randomness that goes into the stories that makes them a rich read. I don't think this or any of the two in its group meet the natural, introspective and enriching nature of "Technical Foul", but I think the reason for it here is that you were developing a voice in your first person narrative that has been in the making for years.
I guess the real struggle is trying to create a natural, but informative and insightful voice. It's ten times harder when the narrator is young, naive, uninformed (that's one really insightful part of the story I liked, where the narrator was frustrated with not knowing a lot of the things that he should know), and has a naturally coarse vernacular. I appreciate any struggle to try and create that balance, which is why I hold stories like CITR or works by Sherman Alexie in my highest respects. There were times when the narrative voice was really strong, and there were other times in this story where it just felt unnatural. If I read it a second time around and try to point all of them out, I might second guess myself. But I'll try to come up with some detailed references, and if I can't... don't kill me. lmfao
Ah, I'm at an office computer right now and I was debating whether I should respond to your awesome reviews (especially the latest ones, though they were brutal, I agree with what you were saying about them being flaccid/flabby-in all truth, I just edited the chapters that you bashed when you last-last-last visited, which is why the first ones seem a lot more awesome and well-furnished, it is really because of your feedback. now that I got your latest feedback, I hope you'll be relieved to know that a good string of edits will be coming in the next year lmao), BUT, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to put on my sunshades and welcome your shiny return. Though "Technical Foul" still has my heart, there were a lot of great details in this story. Now. Onto the smaller comments.
[I took several napkins out of the dispenser and started patting down my slice of pepperoni pizza.] I pay a lot more close attention to the opening sentences of stories and chapters because they show me the intent of the character/narrative. In this sense, the narrator is a very thoughtful, neurotic person. I haven't met very many people pat down their pizza, though I do know one, and one thing I know about her is that when things aren't planned or following through with schedule, she flips out like crazy and either gets extremely depressed or just puts herself on auto-pilot-in other words, when she's under pressure, she doesn't think. Like when the narrator's car runs out of gas, the E may have very well been a "P" for "PANIC".
The second sentence of every work shows the secondary concern; in this case, it is Dennis, who isn't just some person but the narrator's "annoyingass cousin". His importance as a live character with observations is muted, and his importance as a catalyst is heightened. The reader probably doesn't anticipate his leading role as a dead body, but the fact that he is so animate and opening his mouth for probably "the billionth time tonight" sets up a stark constrast between a live subject of a story and a dead one. Dennis' presence is extremely provocative. He could get a rise out of anyone whether he's alive or dead.
I should mention this; your earlier works had a lot of symmetry in plot, but your newer works are asymmetrical, organic, natural.
I don't know what to say about the setting, except to comment on something that might just be a coincidence: "Sigmund's" for "Sigmund Freid"? lmao But the circumstantial setting, hanging out at a pizza parlor/eatery after a 42 to 0 loss is pretty outstanding. Most of the story takes place at night, a time, which in literature means "without light" or symbolically, "without enlightenment". I think, also, the narrator is pretty blind throughout most of this story, stumbling as if through a dream (which is why it is appropriate that he almost believes it is a dream); he lacks control and is led on from one circumstance to another, and he seems not to know any other method to get his annoyingass cousin to shut up than to will him dead, because in essence, he is the most responsible for his cousin's death. If Dennis were a piece of literature (he happens to be an old literary character that popped up frequently in your older works), Dennis being the yappy, inconsiderate, coarse one and this narrator a cousin, one could see how one character replaces another in the literary world, because really, who an author kills shows symbolically who they find flawed in their work. Sometimes it is the most lovable character (a fear of writing an unrealistically nice person), sometimes it is a villain (a fear of guilt or the dark side of writing), etc.
Now that I think about this, there is minimal guilt in this story and a whole lot of panic. The work is less emotive, but it works. I think the panic speaks for itself. I seriously can't stand paragraphs of guilt. Usually the character's action and intent speak for everything.
I think the fact that Eric, the responsible, play-it-safe one is absent from the story says a lot about the story's values. When this safety lock goes away, anything can happen in the night. The story itself believes that going home at a decent hour can save a lot of trouble. I know an Eric who sleeps at nine. lmfao I think all Erics are like that. They're all Virgos, too.
[I bit into my pizza and ended up dragging half the cheese off. The junk flapped down and got tomato sauce all over my chin.] I don't want to call this foreshadowing, but-well, actually, let me take the other excerpt with it: [I was all pissed off at my piece of pizza. The stupid cheese wouldn’t stay put. I ended up just picking off the pepperoni and leaving the rest abandoned on my plate.] It's not the cheese's fault, really. If the cheese is Dennis, we have a plot foil. It gets all over the narrator he gets angry at the pizza. By no means am I admitting that every narrator is this conscious (though I have faith in you), but I think even these details-no, all details-lead to the intent of the work.
Here's something I have trouble with: [Plus Jason, who was pretty much the only football player there, was just depressing the hell outta me. It’s like he had this aura or something that just permeated off him like a bad odor.] No one can context what words the narrator does and doesn't know, it's an insult to the character's intelligence. Obviously, if a character can narrate a story, he probably knows a couple of words or two, which is why I never call it an inconsistency. But to avoid complaints, it's best to just think about what a character would say if he was trying to explain it off the cuff to his friends. If his friends are a bunch of retards, he wouldn't use the words "aura" or "permeate". If his friends are college English majors, maybe. But I think for this one, even the phrase "It's like he had this aura or something that came off (of) him like a bad odor." I consider it to be more natural/organic to use in narrative, but that's your call.
[It made me want to go home and slit my wrists. And I ain’t even emo.] For this one, I think we could even do without the last line. Popular culture will forgive this one; we also know and trust the narrator to not be an idiot-plus, it's funnier without the "And I ain't even emo" because the line itself just looks insecure, defensive, sluggish.
LMFAO there's that suicidal deer part again lmao
I forgot to mention that I like that Dennis listens to rap and crap and calls "AC/DC" noise. Not to say only idiots listen to rap, but you know, sometimes...
[“I mean, seriously, ya’ll, why get all bummed? It wasn’t like ya’ll was gonna make the playoffs anyway.”] Ouch. lmfao
Shit, office is closing. Don't get mad! lmfao! I shouldn't have spent so much time on the general comments; should've went straight to the actual story, but yeah-hopefully it wasn't a complete waste of time. Hopefully your anonymous reviews are on, because I'm going to have to send another one later. I still wanna talk to you about the reviews but I'll just wait until I get the lappietop to do that one. I apologize for any spelling errors/grammatical errors I made writing this review. The read was pretty intense. I kind of hoped, even though I know it would've turned out corny, that it was all a bad dream, too. Goddamn.
I'm glad you're back, G-dawg lmfao!
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 7/29/2007
“Seriously,” he continued. “Pizza’s supposed to be greasy. Don’t fuckin’ order it if you’re just gonna sop it all up like some goddamn health nut.”- Its it weird that I know a lot of guys who do this and I never thought that it was weird? Personally, I agree with Dennis, Pizza is supposed to be greasy.
“Dude, this place fuckin’ blows.” You remember in sixth grade when everybody thought it was cool to cuss five times in every sentence? Dennis never outgrew that stage. “Come on, ya’ll, let’s fuckin’ bail!” - I really like not only your attention to detail, but also your attention to dialogue. Each character says what makes sense, and they have their own speech patterns. I also like how in all of your stories the characters are southern (like yourself) and they all say ya’ll.
“Unfortunately, Dennis was right about the place, too. It did blow tonight. Everybody was just kinda sitting around, all slumped over, not talking. Plus Jason, who was pretty much the only football player there, was just depressing the hell outta me. It’s like he had this aura or something that just permeated off him like a bad odor. It made me want to go home and slit my wrists. And I ain’t even emo.” - This is just one the examples of your great attention to detail. I also loved the line about the emo kids. I saw two emo kids walking down the street on my way home from work the other day and they were so adorably pissed off and skinny, I just wanted to take them home and feed them or something.
“Psh! Special teams! That’s just for all the leftover motherfuckers who couldn’t make offense or defense! But yeah, I saw his ass out there, getting pancaked to the ground. Couldn’t even make one goddamn tackle!”/Jason snapped. He looked at me and said, “Pull over. Now.”/“Jason, man, he’s just—”/“I’m about to beat the goddamn shit out of your little fuckin’ cousin. Now pull this goddamn car over!”/And then Dennis, never knowing when to shut his mouth: “Bring it on, bitch!” - Again the detail in this is awesome. I could feel the testosterone sizzling as they were about to fight.
“If ever there was a real life Scrappy Doo, Dennis would be it. He was short and scrawny, but he was as cocky and arrogant as a professional wrestler. His mouth was always getting him into trouble, too. Fortunately for him, most people took it easy on him. They’d rough him up, but not too bad. Although to hear Dennis tell it, he’d be “this here close” to delivering the death punch before looking into his victim’s eyes and deciding to let them live.” - I like how you take a moment to describe this character here; I can really picture his physical attributes, as well as his emotion ones.
“I just kept my eyes on the road, too afraid to look over and see a tear sliding down his cheek or something. I’d never seen Jason cry before. Didn’t want to see Jason cry. He was supposed to be the tough one, you know? The football player. Hearing him cry like that disappointed me. I felt let down. Scared, even.” - As with the paragraph above I like how you show Jason’s characterization as well, and I can see the dynamic between himself and the narrator of the story.
“I kept seeing the words ‘Involuntary Manslaughter’ in my head. Like, big, fat, black, bold letters against a white backdrop. God, it sounded so brutal. Manslaughter. I even remember seeing a t-shirt before that said: “You Can’t Spell Manslaughter Without Laughter!” I can’t believe I ever laughed at something like that. What the hell is wrong with me?” - I think that for this part you actually did not need to have ‘Involuntary Manslaughter’ in bold like you did, only because you later go on to describe how they looked in his head. Also I’m intrigued by that saying: “You Can’t Spell Manslaughter Without Laughter!” I’d never realized that before but it’s very interesting.
“The cop glared at me for like two thousand years. I could tell he didn’t believe us. The can of Mountain Dew almost slipped out of my hand. I wasn’t even thirty anymore.” - Typo: did you mean (Thirsty?)
“Haven’t seen him. Ya’ll must’ve got in late last night.” She had a fork in her hand, poking and prodding the slabs of bacon that sizzled in the frying pan. “So do you want your eggs scramb—?” Her sentence broke off as she turned and saw my forehead. A random thought of Harry Potter flashed through my mind and I put my back to her.” - I really like the Harry Potter mention, it was random but it actually made a lot of sense in terms of me the reader getting an impression of not only the mark on his forehead but also her shock in the reaction of seeing it.
“I was only vaguely aware of the two cop cars that came skidding to a stop behind me. They started shouting something about putting my hands on my head and stepping away from the vehicle. I couldn’t’ve cared less, though. I was just hoping that they had their guns drawn. Maybe one of them would accidentally pull the trigger. Kill me involuntarily. /I’m still wishing one had.” - You always end your stories on these notes, not quiet done but still foreshadowing a next chapter. Also, the last sentence screams about further events which I doubt you’ll dive into.
This story was fascinating, as well as humors (which, dare I say, a lot of your work is) humorous in the fact that these characters play off themselves so well and your descriptions and odd ball moments of glee always make me smile. However, it was also fascinating because we can only guess what we would do in that kind of situation. Would be call the cops right away, try and save someone, or would the fear of punishment be so great that we try and hide it or cover it up. No matter how accidental the outcome is we still fear imprisonment. Like I said, just from a physiological stand point its interesting.
I really did enjoy this, the beginning seemed a little random, but in the end and the great culmination of things erupting was very well said. P.S. I missed your work, and I’m glad to see that you’ve posted again. Keep up the good work.
| Lukertin chapter 1 . 7/28/2007
Hi und Welcome back! Have you seen the beer commercial where the guy dabbing his pizza gets crushed by a huge beer can after ostracization from his friends? I am reminded of this commercial whenever I see someone pat his pizza down.
But hmm...kay. I'm not sure where to start, except for the part where I do not like Dennis-at all. This shouldn't be rated Mature, though. Demote it to Teen so you can get better reviews, because I'm drawing a complete blank on responses.
The only thing about this story that doesn't seem to fit is the style. The narrated parts don't seem to coincide with the spoken parts, which makes the story seem a little scattered at times, I don't know though.
I'll see you around, hopefully. (Dead)