Hur. Firstly, I can honestly say that I find this voice that you use extremely annoying to read. You know, like instead of saying "He turned around" you say "He turns around". I think it's called present tense and if it is, then present tense is ANNOYING.

... To me, anyway. Perhaps I'm not used to it or perhaps it's your 'writing style'.

- Inside the main palace, all was array. Just now news had been received that an unknown force was beginning a fierce siege upon the capital. As soon as he heard this,

((Whoa, if he just heard about the news then why are you saying 'had'? Shouldn’t it be: "As soon as he heard this, Emperor Rurik Xaldin rushed to get his troops awakened and to the outer walls, etc." Also, you don't tell us what the news is. Sure, it should be obvious but try and clarify.))

Emperor Rurik Xaldin, had rushed to get his troops awakened and to the outer walls, and then he cursed to himself for having sent out troops to a neighbouring fort the week earlier

((You need to clarify here, too. Why did he send troops to a neighbouring fort?)).

- "His light brown hair lays across the back of his head and down to his shoulder blades, every few hairs a dull grey."

Long hair. Now though this point isn't entirely valid, why would a king have long hair? An assassin could easily grap it, pull his head back and slit his throat. I'd watch it. You also have to add in the points on why people wouuld have long hair if there were things like lice around. Perhaps long hair is hard to keep clean.

-"Rurik?"

Multiple exclamation marks, question marks and anything else like them in a row is really weird and they're also bad. If you have a question mark then say that the person screamed it then it has the same effect as "?". Try not to pair these marks together. Also, don't overuse them like this: ! or ?.

- "Cain Sarix, an average looking, mid-thirties adventuring ranger who has stuck around with his friend through many of his conquests."

Show emotions, character traits and relationships; don’t tell. If the character is angry, make their eyebrows knit and make them frown; if they’re frustrated, make them scream into a pillow; if they’re happy make them smile and so on. Don’t tell me that they’re sad and wish to crawl into a hole and die. Make them cry, scream and wail. Showing emotionally drags the reader further into the story by helping them try to figure out how the character is feeling. Show, don’t tell.

So let's say that they're friends. Don't tell the reader this. Perhaps you could show them shaking hands or exchanging jokes. Don't tell me. Same goes with his description.

- "A sense of urgency is sprayed across his still young and aged-less face, as well in his sparkling, hazel-green eyes."

'Aged-less' Ageless.

- "His thin leather armor is not noticeable under his long green coat, but Rurik knows it’s there. The ranger’s equally long brown hair covers half of his tanned face as the other half is pulled back behind his ear."

Again with the long hair. It's kind of silly. Yank, "ow!", slash, die. Pretty straight-forward.

-When someone addresses someone else, you have to put a comma before their name. Example: “Yes, mum, I’ll go get some milk from the shops.”

-"THEM"

Don’t abuse the caps lock or bold feature. Italics work just as well. And using caps lock makes you look stupid. If you want to put emphasis, use italics.

-"I will fight until I die if that I what is necessary!"

The mistake should be obvious.

-"Xaldin, torn from watching his soldiers decimated by the boulder and the orc wave pushing into the palace, wipes the tears welling in his eyes and nods to his friend."

Show don’t tell. We've been through this.

- "“This is really a grand throne, too bad you have to walk away from it for now,” Cain jokingly says, trying to lighten the mood."

No offence, but how does THAT lighten the mood?

-"“Aye, but I still have a bad feeling about this escape” Rurik mentions in reply before slowly making his way to the passageway behind the tapestries." w

Wow, the king must be confident. The castle is falling to pieces, people are dying and he WALKS away. Who cares if someone sees him, nope, he's going to walk. Sorry, but that's pretty silly.

- "was hurrying into the castle, in hopes of finding the Emperor."

The comma isn't needed... as far as I can tell.

- "They fiercely counter the orc wave, and begin pushing the foul creatures back outside the castle."

Yes, these creatures are FOUL and EVIL and UGLY. Stop it. Stop putting neon signs on creatures that scream EVIL please. It’s stereotypical and just plain... black and white. You don’t blur the lines. At least give them a motive, a decent one at that. Don’t make people completely evil because you have to remember, in stories, it’s all viewpoints. One side might seem evil to the other but to them the other side is evil. Even evil doctors have children who depend on them to put food on the table. Nothing is evil, nothing is good. It’s all viewpoints.

I hope these orcs have a good reason for attacking. Because I hate 'just because'.

-"100 yards away"

Write your numbers out in letters. So 7 will be seven and 25 will be twenty-five.

Hur, that's all I have for this chapter. Apologies if I seem grumpy. I know tiredness isn't an excuse. Night.

Hur,

- "A slow rumbling was felt; the guards sleepily awoke and looked yonder across the dry plain between the wall and the impending army."

They're really incompetent guards if they fall asleep on the job. Now if they were smart, they would get guards to work on shifts.

Hur, either from that things seem fine.

Now I know where Lorne comes from! I hope that you return the favour...

A lot of action. The fights did get a bit confusing with all the different positions and characters involved, but thats only a minor complaint from a person of inferior intellect.

Keep up the good work!

Well done, I really enjoyed it. Although short it felt as if you really built a world around me, like their actually was an entire history to this world. All in all good job. I can only hope to see more from you.

Er... the fight scene here confused me. Sword fighting terms can give a battle depth, but you shouldn't get too complex. A 'double low stab feint' is an awkward description, especially when you want a fight to flow well, and I'm not even sure what 'hard-stopped' is.

One other thing: you mentioned in the first chapter that the capital hadn't been attacked in over a century, so why isn't the emperor concerned/curious/shocked/enraged and/or devestated? He and the others seem to just accept everything really, and with pretty good humour. Are they just all happy, understanding folk?

I hope I'm not sounding too negative in reviews; I'm just trying to help.

Okay, a couple of things here. It'd be a good idea to add some lines or something between sequences, because it was kind of confusing and I had to read back a few times.

Something that struck me as odd was Xaldin saying guys. Remember he's the emperor, even if he spoke informally around his friends it sounds a bit too common, you know?

Next, about the Deiflin, you really don't need to name them unless one is particularly important. You described them as like dark-skinned humans with blue eyes and horns, and despite the unique features they're coming off as human. Beyond the simple fact that you don't usually need to name a soldier unless you have a reason for following his viewpoint, naming the Deiflin humanises them further. If that isn't your intention, I think you should avoid it. If you don't make them very different from humans, why not just use humans instead?

The battle scene was engaging and in-depth, but there were a couple of points where it got bogged down in detail:

"While he opens the arms of both fighters, he takes his right foot forward, placing it in between the Deiflin’s legs, and brings his heel right behind Itharr’s left heel and then slides his foot back."

That left me wondering for a moment, and then I thought, 'Oh, he's trying to trip him.' You could simplify that, and maybe break that paragraph up too.

On a final note, I'm curious as to if you have a story arc in mind, or are developing it as you go. Reasons why the Deiflin attacked the city, and why they are leading an army of Orcs, would be nice to see as you continue.

Wow, it's been a while since I read something with Orcs in it...

Okay, I found this easy to read, and the prologue a good set up. On to Chapter 1, at first I found the use of present rather than past tense to describe actions a little off-putting (past tense is just a personal preference), but reading further I think it gave the situation a sense of immediacy, which was good.

I like the way you handled the seige with only the important details, but I would have liked to see more detail in Xaldin and Cain's situation, seeing how their escape is the most compelling theme. Like instead of just saying how they got out, describe then doing it, and what's happening around them; the sounds outside, guards rushing through the place. Emotions too- namely the emperor's fear for his people. Sure he can return to the city later, but not everyone will be around that along! It would be a painful decision to leave, so I think you could make a bit more of his angst over it.

You do have a few typos, but I'll just mention the one that hit me in the eye: "I shall not let you die here in vein.", instead of 'vain.' Nothing serious.

That's all I really have to say, but I'd read more to see the characters become more developed. Bottom line, detail where it counts.