Reviews for When He Hangs His Moon On You
skysthelimit chapter 3 . 6/12/2010
Wow...this is an amazing start. Not only is the writing good, but the plot is arresting and suspenseful. I really really hope you continue this story- before I read it I thought I had read almost every great romance story on FP. I am very picky. But I was wrong. This story has so much potential- please keep writing!
holiday road chapter 4 . 9/15/2008
I oughta check your profile page to see if you write poetry too because it really seems like you do. Or you read a load of it at least ahhaha.

I understand what you're trying to say here, but I'd suggest looking it over and fixing the elipsis and dashes because I'm pretty sure they aren't supposed to be used the way they are here; try commas and semicolons, they're our friends :)

[My mom who does not like to be reminded-a person regardless of how shitty—isn’t expendable and easily interchangeable with another... attempts aggressively to push him back a couple of paces.]

And here:

[“Selma,” my mother calls my name it falls deftly from his lips like a prayer.]

I'm not looking for any more because it'll be pointless to point out every little typo, but, in short, I'd just remind you to keep your eyes open for every little thing and get friendly with your commas.

This chapter really shows off your unnatural ability with words, but you sort of slacked with grammar... Don't get lazy! I love your voice, I really do, but run-on sentences are tough to swim through! So read it over and over and over and then read it out loud! I still love this story but I really do hope you work on the grammar because it's just sort of putting a damper on the story.

By the way, Selma's mom sounds nice hahahaha... that sucks what's going on with the boyfriends and such. I like how you added that in, it gives Selma another dimension. And Carrie's jumping to action - it's the little things like that that make characters multifaceted and interesting. Snaps for that :)
CadaxAres chapter 1 . 9/13/2008
Review Game!

This is really well written, the imagery is very good, and the characters caught me instantly. One thing that I had hard time with, however, was you punctuation. It seems a little confused, especially your commas, and it made some parts of the story difficult to understand. Altogether though, I think this is very good and it definitely caught my attention.
loves him chapter 4 . 9/6/2008
It's been a while since you last updated, so it literally took me a minute to remember what this story was about. But I'm glad that you did update and I hope that you update again very soon, because leaving your readers with such cliff hangers is equivalent to torture. Lol, great job on the action sequence. How do you manage to build up a suspense and then maintain it once it's reached its peak? I really have a difficult time doing that, so I applaud you for your wonderful ability. ) Also, you might want to shorten some of the background on Selma's mom. I'm glad that it's there, because it allows for a clear comprehension of who her mom is, but it seemed like a pretty lengthy background. Other than that, great job.
artificial destiny chapter 3 . 8/3/2008
after the first paragraph i had to look up what genre this was cuz it seemed alot like a horror to me (and i dont like those. personally).. so im happy its not :)

the descriptions are amazing. your vocab is ginormous and the flow is great. it makes me want to keep reading. only thing is, its the last chapter and i have no background info. :T

also, some of the big vocab can come back and bite you in the butt. (aka too much of anything is a bad thing)

you gave off an intense feeling. its still kinda creepy though.

great writings! keep it up.
loves him chapter 3 . 7/30/2008
[If you managing to keep staring, you realize the subtle facial twitch] edit: manage

Hmm? What to say? Liking the chapter feels a little redundant, but I really and truly still enjoyed reading. There were a few sentences here and there where you had an independent clause all on its own and then the dependent clause that should've been connected to the independent one was separated with a period. You should go back and edit small technical stuff like that out but all in all, lovely job here.
loves him chapter 2 . 7/30/2008
[I get up, because lying here in the dark. You know, in the middle of nowhere when there are ‘things’ running around-is not too bright.] Is the first period supposed to be there?

[Therefore, I do not why I start screaming my head off.] edit: I think you need a 'know' in there.

[because of rabies or something else. I am definitely going to be going] edit: comma, not period.

[slightest of thread.] of threads.

[I am aspirating that is medical jargon] a hyphen between 'aspirating' and 'that' might be appropriate.

Again, great writing and great job. Usually, I don't leave more than the required one review from RG, but this story dragged me in and I had to read more.
loves him chapter 1 . 7/30/2008
[She has had an unhealthy fixation, with that dead movie starlet, ever since she watched one of her movies on TBS or something.] Liked this bit. Kind of reminds me of myself. )

[She turns, and is off again colleting a bag of chips,] edit: collecting

I absolutely adore your writing style. I've never heard of Chuck Palahniuk, or at least am not aware that I ever have, but wow, he must REALLY be great inspiration. At first, a lot of the commas that you had felt unnecessary but upon a second glance, they made sense and fit. One example would be "She is looking, a bit crazed, as she marches over to me." Thought I'd let you know how nice your commas are. lol, but seriously, great job so far. you have a really great control on writing detail. Normally, I hate (and by hate, I mean absolutely and irrevocably loathe) long paragraphs of detail but somehow, you make it work and you make it work very well. I'm also glad that you've introduced the whole werewolf theme slowly, subtly because otherwise, this would seem just like every other version of a werewolf story. But so far, your stands out in a very, VERY positive light. Great job.
Sundown chapter 3 . 7/30/2008
Fascinating plot with some interesting descriptions. There occasionally may be the case of over-describing: fitting too many words in the description. Sometimes it makes more of an impact to not use the strong words as frequently (and you have so many up your sleeve) for this is more effective when they are used. (please tell me I make SOME sense!)

for example:

"My dried up throat constricts painfully preventing me from speaking"

could be

"My dried up throat constricts me from speaking." or something...

Besides a few little grammar quirls here an there (which everyone does!) The plot moves along at a really good, comfortable pace for the reader. You do have some excellent descriptions and a strong voice for your protagonist. The ending leaves the reader wanting great work!
holiday road chapter 3 . 7/30/2008
silver haired fox indeed haha

I'm just going to tell you flat out that I hate stories with big chunky paragraphs and minimal dialogue. I never read them, and when I opened this I nearly exited out. That being said, I'm still inexplicably addicted to this story. I have no clue why. One reason I know for sure is because you really do have a way with words. You use casual language with choicy words and string that into these sort of poetic sentences and descriptions, and I really love that. I hate stories with a bazillion descriptions because people think that you have to sound lofty and fruity and so stupid to be artfully descriptive, but you pull off the casual poetic thing GREAT. I just thought I should let you know.

But you're still missing a couple commas. It's not like it was before and I can see you're using them more, but sometimes they pop up in unnecesary places. That's not normally too distracting, but it is if a comma isn't where it should be and is where it doesn't have to be. I'd just work on that... remember, try reading it out loud and putting a comma where you normally pause.

Also, the main character (damn I forgot her name, sorry...) gets characterized a lot by those paragraphs where she's watching TV and mulling over what happened. You really pulled this off well haha... and it's still got that creepy/eerie feel... jeez, I just really love how you keep it eerie, casual/realistic and use normal everyday language in that haughty poetic way. Also, really descriptive... Lots of imagery... this is great.
raecheleatrhino chapter 2 . 6/27/2008
Wow, you are an amazing writer. At times I was slightly confused, but that all got cleared up right away.

I really want to know what happens next, and am very interested about lover boy... :)

I just found this like five minutes ago, and am already enthralled. Good job!
holiday road chapter 2 . 11/17/2007
I'm really sorry I didn't review sooner, but to make up I'll let you know that I've been waiting to.

You're still missing a few commas, and they're not detrimental at all, but if you ever get free time then I'd suggest looking over them. Here's an example (I'm not writing each one because if you reread it thinking in that irritating grammar-nazi way then you'll spot them):

[Seconds maybe more like minutes later, I end up face first hitting the side of the subway train—it is not a good night for my face.]

I'd put a comma after the 'seconds'. I can't back up my suggestion with a textbook answer at the moment, but I'm pretty sure there should be one there. If you read, making pauses where they're necesary, then 90 percent of the time there should be a comma/period/hyphen wherever you pause.

Before I forget to write it, I think this is really well written for a horror-esque story. The whole paragraph when she loses her teeth is setting an eerie, desolate feel that could creep the hell out of me. Sometimes it gets a bit wordy, though. The first two paragraphs had me in the awesome scene, but the third paragraph about teh Nazi propaganda had me a bit confused. I didn't understand what was going on at all. When you mentioned the Oxygen Channel (I think you're talking about that womens' channel?) it wasn't capitalized, so I was extremely confused and... I dunno, I just didn't get it. It could be something that's just over me (and I'm not being sarcastic at all, I'm really serious) that I don't understand, but if there are others who don't get it either and are pretty good at comprehending allusions and such, then I'd suggest fixing that paragraph up a bit.

The fifth paragraph is a bit confusing, but it's mainly because of the lack of commas and other things like that. It's only the first sentence, really. Keep an eye out for wordiness - when you're getting wordy or putting a lot of ideas in one sentence then proper grammar is a MUST. Remember that grammar issues can hinder reading comprehension, and if a reader doesn't know what's going on then there's really no point continuing.

Where you write about the Clark Kent character, you wrote that he doesn't want to "safe" the damsel in distress, when I'm pretty sure you meant "save". That's the only one I can think of, but just keep an eye out. There aren't too many, though.

I still love it because of that eerie vibe I'm getting from it, and the romance (hopefully its the one I think I'm seeing) but I didn't completely understand what was going on in the last few paragraphs. It isn't because of being in present tense. It's got to do with your style. It's conversational, a bit Gothy and sort of unconventional. I've got no issues with that, but because it's a unique style you may have to work extra hard for comprehension.

Other than what I pointed out (which may seem like a lot but is really not that much) I still like it.

Hope I helped... :)
Twilight Starr chapter 2 . 10/30/2007
This story gets better and better. Hmm. . . I wonder what happens next. Please update soon. ;)

~Twilight Starr~
Thracian chapter 2 . 10/28/2007
There isn't much to say about this in the technical sense. Some sentences could be broken up into two, that's one thing. Also I'm not sure if I'm liking the song quotes at the beginning of each chapter. I can understand it at the beginning of the story to set up the mood, but not something that's consistent. It kind of distracts me from what was going on in the previous chapter. Also this sentence could probably be worded better, it makes sense but just sounds odd:

"No shit Sherlock, I am definitely going to be going with what is behind door number two."

Other than that...your characters are pretty damn interesting and their dialogue is believable. Nice job.
Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 10/28/2007
Nice opening sentence. I like the title. It is very interesting and intriguing.

I like the werewolf lore. This looks like it's going to be great. :D

~Twilight Starr~
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