Reviews for St Mary's School for Girls
JC Green chapter 9 . 8/17/2014
Let me start by saying that you are a master of suspense. You did a very good job pacing the first parts of the story, building the tension, so to speak. Some of the scenes actually gave me chills. The prologue grabbed my attention right away; you did a good job giving just enough information to "hook" the reader. The characters of Sarah and Andrea are very well thought out, and the reader begins to sympathize with Sarah right away, feeling scared for her when she receives the death threats. Little details like Sarah's religious beliefs and her progressive attitudes help make her more three-dimensional and believable. Andrea's frustration with her need to misbehave is certainly unexpected; the reader assumes at first she's just a troublemaker, but that's not so. It really broke my heart when she died. You also did a good job at setting up Michelle's betrayal; I never saw that coming, and I certainly never expected her to be the ringleader. A few things: the ending was a little rushed. One of the things that made the beginning and middle so compelling was your inclusion of descriptive elements, and taking the time to set the scene, and I felt that was absent from the last few chapters. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story.
JC chapter 7 . 7/31/2014
Wow ... I really believed Michelle was one of the good guys. I mean, I kind of suspected it was a trap at first, but then when nothing happened for a while I thought she was being genuine.
JC chapter 5 . 7/31/2014
I'm starting to get chills. Maybe I shouldn't be reading this before bed ...
sylver.angel chapter 9 . 1/29/2009
You managed to climb suspense, and if sometimes along your story, I was a bit confused, the plot made sense and I really enjoyed it. I guess it would not be a surprise if I say that I'm sad and kinda disappointed that you kill Andrea off, even if I understood your motivations ; It was quite unavoidable.

I just wish the story would have gone on a little more ; I would have gladly discovered the reaction of the families and the press to what happened in St Mary and the setting up of the relationship between Sarah and Robi. Of course, open ending always leads you to imagine the life of the characters, but as I like what you wrote so far, I would have appreciated to have your piece of mind on their future.

Anyway, it was a nice story and I thank you to share it with us. Bonne continuation !
october lies chapter 9 . 11/20/2008
i just read all of this and holy shit I LOVED IT!

this was just really freaking amazing.

i mean it, i loved it!
Mahone-chic-89 chapter 9 . 7/2/2008
wow! great work! i was looking for a good mystery to read and this was what i wanted!

Written chapter 9 . 3/12/2008
this was a GREAT read. You really kept us guessing, but you also threw us some clues (the smuggling was what really got me going in the right direction).

I really did have to suspend disbelief, however. If even one student died each month at my school, regardless of location, there would be an FBI investigation in zero seconds flat. esp. if the school was a rich primarily white boarding school... and ESPECIALLY if there are no bodies to bury.

I'm sure you realize that, of course :) DESPITE that small plot hole, I really did enjoy this story. As I said before, you've got the tense atmosphere down really well, and it was an awesome read. I love how Michelle turned out to be the one in charge too; what a twist!

And I think the fact that I was genuinely said for Andrea speaks for itself. You could bring her back to life in a special chapter 10, and I would be happy, plot be damned. That's talent.

Well done and congrats on finishing this great story!
Written chapter 8 . 3/12/2008
Wow, Michelle definitely wears the pants.

(“But few are as lucrative as this,” Michelle countered. “We have an endless supply of product- new girls come in every year, and if a few ‘die’ each month, there’s just nothing we can do. We’ve had angry conversations with grieving parents and a few investigations from the police, but so long as we cover our tracks and hide our evidence, we’re fine.”)

I'll suspend disbelief a bit for this piece of info :)

oh no, poor andrea! that's terrible... though I knew she wouldn't go without a fight. I hope she's all right.

(Sarah had never met Andrea’s parents, but she tried to imagine how caring family members might react to know their daughter had died alone and her body had been thrown into the ocean without ceremony.)

NOO. That's so sad... wow.

I refuse to believe it! I... you... argh.

I'm glad Sarah finally got it together and escaped... and Robi is SO sweet. But.. Andrea... I'm really sad about this! I can't believe it.
Written chapter 7 . 3/12/2008
I really don't think Michelle can be won over...

I'm in so much SUSPENSE mode that I can't even really review properly...

So, when michelle knocks on her door and sarah follows... man, sometimes, sarah is naive!

(“Slavery,” she announced. “It’s not what it seemed like in the history books, not any more. Those girls probably wish they could tend fields and clean houses, but for the most part, they’re all going to be used for sex. That’s why they’re taken so young; the younger the better, usually. In fact, since our youngest students are thirteen or fourteen, St. Mary’s corners a lot of the older market.”)

thought so! I wonder if michelle is telling the truth, though...

(A moment later, the statuette hit the base of Sarah’s skull, and she thought she saw stars explode in front of her. A moment later, they were gone along with all the other light that had just been visible as the unconscious Sarah crumpled to the ground.)

repetition of 'a moment later' makes it sound odd.

Wow, great chapter overall, though! Michelle WAS evil after all, despite her lame apology. And poor sarah! she was a bit too trusting, but I guess you have to be in these kinds of stories. Andrea is the smarter one of the two, I would say, since she had a fairly good idea of what was actually going on... though she did have quite a lot of time to figure it out.

I really truly adore this story so far. great work!
Written chapter 6 . 3/12/2008
I like the friendship thats forming between Andrea and Sarah, but I'm afraid of what will happen to them!

uh oh... she's going to need to cut things off with andrea and robi... aww.
Written chapter 5 . 3/12/2008
I just remembered michelle's rather defensive response a few chapters back where she claimed that andrea was a compulsive liar.

(Andrea laughed. “This doesn’t have anything to do with full moons and witchcraft!” she announced. “Whoever told you that was probably insane.”)

I'm glad that we have more theories than just plain old witchcraft.

(Five or six girls disappear each month, whether because they supposedly died or went home, they’re always gone.”)

if girls were really disappearing at such a high rate, wouldn't the parents FREAK? I would think that rich, well to do parents wouldn't just sit around after something like that. a small police investigation seems... well... small...

(but now that she firmly believed that the illness wasn’t even necessary)

I'm not sure what that means...

I love this story; you are so good at suspense! You throw us bits and pieces of clues, but never quite enough.

Hmm... smugglers! Are they smuggling... people?

uh oh... she's been caught. sort of. oh dear!
Written chapter 4 . 3/12/2008
having lived abroad, 'the states' comes out of my mouth so quickly that I hardly ever call it 'America' anymore :)

oh goodness, witchcraft? really?

(“It’s once a month,” said a man. “On the full moon, I think, a virgin who was enrolled at the school is sacrificed to pagan gods. My mother saw the teachers leading the girls down to the shore one night, but didn’t say anything because she was too scared.”)

well, it does seem to fit with what we've read so far...

I wonder why parents still send their children to the school at all? is prestige really worth it?

(“But I do believe that certain people are willing to do some unsavory things in the name of ancient powers.”)

I don't believe in witchcraft, and I don't believe that everyone who believes in witchcraft is evil or tries to do evil things, but that is entirely 100% true. I've met some crazies, I tell ya.

there's one section of the chapter where you use a lot of said-bookisms. keeping in mind that 'said' is one of the least intrusive words in the english language, things like 'Robi growled', and 'Sarah chirped' so close together really does stick out a bit. Not that it's wrong to use colorful language... just make sure you don't overdo it.
Written chapter 3 . 3/12/2008
I hope you don't mind that I review as I read. I don't normally do this, but your chapters have so much material that by the time I get to the end, I'm just SURE that I'll forget what I wanted to say in my review.

I looked at your profile, and saw that you return reviews. I just wanted to say that you really, really do not have to put yourself through reading my work just to return the favor :) there will be no love lost, I promise.

Andrea acts like a brat! I hope we can go on to see a better side of her. I assume she only acts this way in self defense, so that she doesn't get the mysterious illness.

Ferris is a real fjdklfj. Yep. She makes me angry. I cant wait to see where all this is going. what are Andrea's mysterious circumstances?

It seems like they WANT well behaved young ladies, but those are the girls who seem to get taken away... odd.

and finally... a boy! of course. I didn't expect that the girls would NEVER break that rule :)
Written chapter 2 . 3/12/2008
wow, HUGE chapters! I love it, but I have no idea how you do it.

(“I read the pamphlet you sent me when I accepted the job,” Sarah said with as little attitude as she could.)

I like sarah already.

(It’s a practical miracle that in the past fifty years, intelligent people were able to rise to positions of authority and bring this school kicking and screaming into the twentieth century. Hopefully during my tenure, we can find our way to the twenty-first.”)

I'm assuming this means that the setting is the later 1900's, like 1950's on? 1990's even? I really don't know and I'm sure further reading will reveal more... just saying my thoughts as I go.

Wow, it seems like a very strict school! I went to a public school when I was younger, and reading about these kinds of rules seems sort of romantic to me, since I never had to... well... conform like that.

Oh my, creepy wind patterns? I wonder if that's true, or if it's simply something she's making up, so that she can do evil things with the children... HM.

I love the way you've created the setting. Absolutely wonderful work so far!
Written chapter 1 . 3/12/2008
wow, fantastic beginning!

(girls Ike herself always fell sick.)

did you mean girls 'like'? as opposed to 'Ike'?

anyway, I'm hooked :) see you next chapter.
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