|Reviews for Dancing Among the Flames|
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 12 . 11/9/2008
That flashback was quite odd. I am going to guess that the Russian guy was the one who had raped her in the past. Selene and Phoenix seem to be exact opposites, which brings me to wonder how they became sisters in the first place. I quite enjoyed this chapter, and once again, Rhys has succeeded in adding a bit of color to the chapter. Rayfel and Morgan were smart enough to stay out of that shopping business for the most part.
| Written chapter 2 . 9/23/2008
whoa, that was really thrilling! Its cool that she has an instinct for when gun violence is about to go down. neat stuff.
| Written chapter 1 . 9/23/2008
really interesting! I feel so bad for her being gang raped and everything. that's terrible. I can't wait to see what happens next.
| SirScott chapter 12 . 9/5/2008
I liked how the guys called food man fuel that was funny. It sounded like something guys would say in front of chicks.
| A Mind Filled With Laughter chapter 12 . 9/2/2008
Ah, I am back to review, yet again. And honestly, I hope to see more chapters coming up soon. The good thing about this storyis the characters actually seem to grow and the plot is not a monologue or long boring train ride, it's an actual roller coaster with surprising event slike an actual human's life WOULD be, and that makes it realistic. Can't see anything fro you to change, just please make another chapter soon! Linguistically yours, -Salem
| GrannyP chapter 12 . 8/27/2008
The cat person part was HIALRIOUS! Dang it! Another typo that I don't want to fix. What is it with me and switching letters in words tonight? Gosh! Hialrious is the new word I just made up. Don't you love it? I do.
So the flashback is kind of creepy too, and I can't wait to see (or be reminded of) what that's all about!
Thanks for (another!) update! Okay, that sentence didn't make sense. Sorry. Again, not fixing it!
| TuneOut chapter 1 . 8/7/2008
You definitely have some grammar problems. You have duly noted that commas are your problems and the lack of them is distracting. A rule of thumb is to put them whenever there's a pause in the sentence. You forgot to indent Stefan Callan saying "Fix him doc." and the sentences after it. The sentence, "Gang leader of the Snakes, Stefan Colleen ordered the barely-out-of-school intern." The phrasing of it seems awkward coupled with the dialogue especially with the poor paragraph structure. I also think that you could describe him physically. It always helps to get a sense of what the guy looks like since physical appearence affects characterization.
"The two gangs were gathered because there was a duel going on between them. That’s why one of Stefan’s followers was taken to the hospital." Change the word "that" to "it was" or "it was the reason." "That" is not correct.
I'm also really confused by the first scene. I don't know why Gregory surrendered to her. Did he do it because he admired her audacity? or from shame? I don't get the sense of organic storytelling.
When Morgan Campbell announced that he is future king of a country, it felt anticlimatic. I know he's nonchalant about it but there should be a little bit of suspense about it. He can still be nonchalant but it can also be a source between a fun set of dialogue between the two of them. I actually find the king plot unrealistic in terms of their reactions. I know that she was surprised but I think that it should still have carried over to when they were discussing it. There is no sense of shock still and interest is gone.
I find it extremely odd that a guy barfed on the floor and is never mentioned again. It's very inconsistent and it's very obvious that you just put him there because you wanted a cute scene for Phoenix.
I hope that you flesh out Phoenix in the later chapters. She has some personality traits but there is nothing in there that makes her real.
If you find my review vague, just reply back to me and I'll be happy to explain.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 9 . 8/5/2008
I'm beginning to wonder if Phoenix doesn't have super powers...
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 6 . 8/3/2008
Phoenix is Narcileptic, isn't she? Probably from the effects of the rape? Sorry. I am just reviewing some notes in my head. Good job. This story is really picking up now.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 5 . 8/3/2008
Hehe. Very intresting chapter, Starr. I was beginning to wonder when you'd get to some background information. Good job of making it fit into the story, too. I love it.
| Avalbane chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
Thank you very much for your review and your alert on my most recent story. I am here to return the favor!
To be very honest, I like the concept of the story, but there are a lot of elements to take in for just one chapter, and your pacing is a little unsteady. You also tend to restate facts in succession two-to-three times within two paragraphs. This is very normal, and my writing tends to be like this at first.
Honestly, writing is a very tedious thing for me. I go through several drafts before I publish, and I advise you to do the same. After writing out your chapter, go over it one passage at a time. Read the same passage over and over if you have to, and ask yourself: How can I make this flow better? Are there enough details here? Are there too many details here? Is my writing clear or confusing? How can I get my point across without being too obvious or too vague?
This editing process is, at times, annoying and frustrating, but given the time and patience it requires, you will start to see obvious improvements in your writing. I will try to check in on you every now and then to see how you are coming along!
~Avalbane (surprisingly enough, English was never my major!) :3
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 2 . 8/2/2008
Okay, if you were to ever rewrite the story, I would suggest that you give a bit more of a transition as to how Phoenix, Rhys, and Morgan suddenly went from restaurant and opening a champagne bottle to the palace where they suddenly got shot. You don't need to explain who was doing the shooting because that would kill the suspense. What I am saying is that you should have walked us, your readers, through how Morgan got them on a jet. Other that that minor detail, I like the story. It takes a while longer for me to get interested in this particular story than most of your works, but that is just how I am. It has nothing to do with you. I am just a bit more unfamiliar with this setting than your typical "high school" theme that you seem to have with a lot of your stories. Forgive me for the long review. Apparently, I had a lot to say this time. I would encourage you to not have writer's block any time in the future, because you really do have some great ideas.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
I am probably spamming your E-mail with an insane amount of late reviews, but I will once again congratulate you on your ability to come up with many brilliant and action-packed stories. Good job.
| AutumnRain16 chapter 1 . 7/23/2008
Great start... and I can't wait to read more chapters. The beginning definitely caught my attention... though I would have to agree that it was unrealistic and it doesn't really relate to the rest of the story... I like that she's a doctor... I don't see that very often in stories.
| Hoodwynk chapter 11 . 7/14/2008
I like how the situation with the criminals wasn't simple- it never is. I like how it wasn't what Pheonix said that was especially offensive-more how she said it. Still, it wasn't great dialoque- the stuff between the trio is much better. Great work.