|Reviews for Selfish Intentions|
| Mockingbyrd's Tune chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
You have a knack for sensationalism. I get the impression you get carried away by your own story, which is fun.
The first chapter races forward quickly, and I have to keep reality suspended at every turn. Characters act and events seem to happen spontaneously, rather than acquainting the reader with the personalities in the story. For example, when Ivory’s mom charges her, you throw in the line: “The band, which was staying at the house, must have arrived.” Much of your story feels like this, popping afterthoughts to make a scene explode.
I can totally see the attraction for your readers. This chapter has a "you-never-know-what-will-happen-next” style. It comes across as though it isn’t thought out, and it doesn’t really flow; but it’s electrifying and emotionally freeing.
I also like the names of your characters; they’re just cool.
| Oceans of Mercury chapter 1 . 3/3/2008
Now I already read the facts about your writing but I still have some constructive criticism.
"I dialed the speed dial..." Dialed the speed dial? Speed dial is usually just one button it would sound better if was more like "I pressed the speed dial to Raines cell phone." Just a suggestion.
"I hoped into Rainer's blue Ferrari. "You're going to get hit on tonight." He remarked.
"You think so?" I asked excitedly. Remember crazy home schooled girl. Not all home-schooled people were like me. So I hope nobody freaked out
"Yes. I do. You look good. Be careful what you drink. Some guys try to drug girls. Do us both a favor and stick by me." Rainer answered as he guided me into the VIP room."
Now I know he's got a Ferrari, but damn, they got to that concert pretty quickly. She hops into his Ferrari, they exchange two senetences of dialogue, and then suddenly they're already in VIP room. Same thing when she calls Rainer and tells him to come over, he may be only a block away but right after he says that hes already in her house and up the stairs. There needs to be a reasonable space of time in between.
Does Ivory have both Diabetes and Cancer?
"...but the boy was scaring." The boy was scaring...scaring who? Or is that he was just 'scary'?
"...before my touch won't have bugged him." I think 'wouldn't have' would work better.
"Trust me I have had to help treat a gunshot wound victim before." This is kind of a sudden and random fact to throw into the story so early. I hardly know anything about Ivory besides the fact that she's a sweet young girl with a gifted talent for playing piano, she has Diabetes or Cancer or both and she has a wonderful friend, Rainer. Now, suddenly she's treated gunshot wounds? Without a little back story, or putting this fact off until later in the story when it will make mroe sense will confuse readers.
I like the story line, and at the risk of sounding crass I must say her mother is quite the bitch. I also enjoy the strange family affairs that Ivory seems to have.
| MeiLeeCalifornia chapter 4 . 2/7/2008
Oh, I gather hints of secrets to be revealed :D Sorry for my late catchup on returning reviews! It's a bzusy world.. :D
| Hoodwynk chapter 10 . 12/30/2007
"Too late already have. She's in the interrogation room right now. Okay, where did this come from? How did Ivory come by this info.? Seems a bit random. Of course she could just be a genius. And the Isabelle and Garret's reconiciliation seems unreasonable. Diana might have kind of broke character. Love how Rainer and Ivory come back together. The mushy stuff is very mushy, but equally adorable. Nice pieces.
| Hoodwynk chapter 9 . 12/30/2007
TOO MUCH FAMILY DRAMA! I love it, but you're wasting really good material. You could develop it so much more. Just Witching.
| Hoodwynk chapter 8 . 12/30/2007
I like how you included that Ivory's problems caused a lot of stress on Rainer. Expanded your horizons. It is still too hectic/flips too much. And Ivory gives in to Rainer a lot- she almost got killed for it. Is that really her? A kick* profiler who lets her bf run all over her? Love can do funny things...
| Hoodwynk chapter 7 . 12/23/2007
"Edwin froze in shock. Ivory was up and had him down in a matter of seconds. The police came and it was over." What is up with this? 'and it was over' Bad, bad, bad ending to that scene. It was very good until that point. Also, what do we really know about Ivory/Rainer's personalities. What do they like, dislike, hate? What are their hobbies/habits/personality flaws? I feel like we know more about Owen's personality than Ivory's. 'She opened a new email and started typing up a profile for some serial killer to assist some investigation.' Maybe phrase it differently. ex. Opening a new e-mail, her fingers flew across the keys as she started typing a serial killer's profile to assist the investigation. This is very bad, but it may give the jist. Any time you say 'some serial killer, some investigation', it sounds really bad. If you phrase it differently, you don't need to add more detail and it sounds a bit better. Okay, I really like how you just don't say, 'She was happy' or however a charie is feeling. You convey feelings by actions, which is very good.
| Hoodwynk chapter 6 . 12/23/2007
Cassi's story sounds similar to Pearl Harbour. It is a good movie. Okay, the plot doesn't really seem to be moving anywhere. What is the main goal of the charies? Happiness? Matrimony? What is it? All that really happens is that Ivory keeps on being attacked- cancer, mother, family drama, hand in back. What is the central idea? Where are they moving in life? What is the central conflict that threatens them? How are they developing as people/lovers/friends? How do they plan to surmount their problems or do they not have a plan. In short, what's up? Are there supposed to be any of these? Agian, picky review.
| Hoodwynk chapter 5 . 12/23/2007
This really is not a bad peice. Jane Austen is brilliant because her writing flourishes in the complexity of human emotions. You have the plot/drama down pat, but the delicate emotions, not so much. You could have done so much more with the romantic seaside dinner/entire evening in developing their relationship. What in Ivory/Rainer precisely causes such devotion? It might not be a bad idea to give some more conversation examples of when they aren't declaring vows of undying love. Very picky with this one.
| Hoodwynk chapter 4 . 12/23/2007
Okay, this one really jumps around in places, mainly in the mood. It's like a super concentrated soap opera. It could be really good, but it feels like it was written while you were on a coffee high. Loved the change of POV and the cancer/ family drama.
| Hoodwynk chapter 3 . 12/21/2007
Very nice insight into family life.
| Hoodwynk chapter 2 . 12/20/2007
Okay, the last Ivory's POV got a bit tedious. The g-mom drama was really cool, as was the insight into Ivory's charisma.
| Hoodwynk chapter 1 . 12/20/2007
Very understandable- I knew what was going on at all times. The subtle thing going on between Rainer and Ivory worked too.
| MeiLeeCalifornia chapter 3 . 12/20/2007
Wow, that was definitely action packed! lol... I got confused at the coke addict hostake thing though. I thought at first she was wearing a "little black number" but then you talk about blood getting on her white dress... [confused look] yes, weird details I notice, lol...
| Jack Argyle chapter 4 . 11/25/2007
A wise man riding a bear once told me "a short review is a good review" so here we go: Great.
One word for one 'Great' story; so far, that is. It could drastically downhill over the next few chapters though I doubt such a thing will be occuring.
Oh, and reading 'Consequences' first has actually put an interesting spin on this. I would finish off by saying 'update soon' but that would be silly, wouldn't it?
You certainly are busy when it comes to writing. Just looking at your list of stories gives me vertigo. I'll see how many I can get through.
Okie-doke, have a good one.