|Reviews for Crossroads|
| Liviania chapter 3 . 12/8/2007
I understand wanting to hold things back, I'd just like to see Akemi fleshed out more. You don't have to reveal something deep - Aisha is easy to understand, even though we don't know much about her, but everyone knows about needing money.
Your story is well-written and your doing a bit of intriguing world-building, but I can't help but want something more to it. It has promise but seems like it might fall into fantasy archetypes.
| Whit5000 chapter 2 . 8/26/2007
A good story. Like everyone else had said, the prologue was interestin. With the first chap, I was expectin it to be about some character tryin ta cross the crosswords to see the otha side or somethin like that, but I see the story's takin a different turn, which is ok. I still like it.
The writin flowed well, and the whole sneakin in was fun to read. Even though I thought they was gon end up gettin caught or somethin. I'm guessin the name in the blue cloak might be the wata mage.
Anyway, keep it up. Great story. Can't wait ta see what actually happens next with them findin the mage and how the Crossword comes into the plot...
| tabiscus chapter 1 . 8/23/2007
Hi! I'm from Review Revolution!
I love this. It has the right amount of mystery and gore to make me keep wanting to read it.
Ah...the only thing I found wrong was your tense. You use "had" when you should use "have". But that's all my complaints. Now to read on...
| concerto49 chapter 1 . 8/23/2007
Crossroads reminds me of a card game I used to play. Anyhow, Concerto from RR.
I think the phrasing of the sentences made it a little hard to read. I'd often stop and stumble and try get it right. Perhaps most of them were just a little too long for their purposes and could have been broken up.
Overall, it was alright, but I think as a prologue - you could have did a bit more. I mean the whole introduction about a 'crossroads' and its history did not exactly make me feel that it had revelance to anything, like it was just a random 'crossroads'. It was nicely described, but perhaps you could add more hints on that note.
| Serom Kim chapter 2 . 8/22/2007
Reading your prologue and seeing how good it was, I should have expected the first chapter to be even better. Akemi and Aisha, the two main characters at the moment, are very realistic. Akemi seems to be calm, cool, and collected. Aisha is like an opportunist with limits. It gives your characters life, but I liked how you didn't try to have Akemi and Aisha show off their strengths. Setting like your bar scene end in fights in a lot of stories. I also liked how the dialogue was written as the characters talk.
| Serom Kim chapter 1 . 8/22/2007
Some people can't write a good prologue, but you sure wrote a decent one! I like how you give a simple crossroad such imagery and feeling that you could picture it in your head.
Also, your grammar doesn't hold any flaws, and I'm interesting in reading more.
| The Winking Peach Candle chapter 1 . 8/22/2007
wow, nice prologue, it was certainly interesting. though the part where you said the bodies had imploded, i'm not sure whether that should be implode or explode.
oh wait, nevermind, i guess both could work, either way the organs will be scattered. :S
From the Earthen Ground
| Confunded Mistress chapter 2 . 8/21/2007
Hi, I'm from Review Revolution, at your humble service! *bows* Okay, about the story. It has a nice, RPG-flavored flow to it, with many interesting minutia buried within. I hope that with further chapters comes further development of these little bits, like the magical runes, the Crossroads, and the history of the army of Cador. Sometimes the writing style is a little stiff, but that's more of a personal issue.
Great job - I look forward to when this piece continues.
Confunded Mistress and her sidekick, George Weasley
| DarkBlysse chapter 1 . 8/21/2007
Hi, I'm Blysse, also from the Review Revolution!
"Thieves and bandits had used it to wait for the unsuspecting bands of travelers..."
-You don't need the 'the' in there before 'bands of travelers'.
Well, right from the get go, I can see that your writing is very good, grammar- and style-wise. That's nice to see, especially with the amount of people on FP who don't even know what grammar -is-. *Gives you a cookie. A big cookie. :D*
"Years ago, an army had marched along those very roads. They had marched to fight against another army..."
-'Marched... marched..." Try not to repeat words so close together. I myself am more than guilty on that count in my prose. ;;
"Along the way, at the very crossroads themselves, they ran into something so terrible, that their very bodies were destroyed and torn apart."
-You don't need the comma after 'terrible'.
"...terrible, that their very bodies were destroyed and torn apart. When travelers afterwards had come across the crossroads, the carnage had been so terrible..."
-Again, 'terrible... terrible..."
"Something had caused the bodies to implode. Eyeballs and brain tissue were scattered, as were organs and bone matter. Severed limbs and heads were strewn around at odd angles. No part of the ground went uncovered by the blood and gore."
-*Blinks* Ew. But good job making it gory, though.
"Soon fear of the crossroads spread to a wider standing area, until the entire area around..."
Wow, this is one of the better prologue's that I've come across, Blade. Wonderfully written, great (if not gross XD) descriptions, and an overall good setup for the story to come. Bravo!
| Blackeri chapter 2 . 8/21/2007
Loved it. :)
I can't wait to read more. I definetly liked your prologue, it was so fluid it was like a script for a movie...Some rough spots in the beginging of this chapter, but you smoothed them out as the chapter wore on...got into a bit of rythmn then did ya? :D
Anyways, can't wait for the next chapter. Good Luck!
| Liviania chapter 2 . 8/21/2007
The prologue was very intriguing, but the first chapter is less so. We know basically nothing of Akemi's motivations and it makes it hard to get in his head and sympathize with him.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 8/21/2007
Review Revolution reviews you again! (and expect more from other members!)
(oh and if you are wondering how to access us: link is on my profile) Actual review:
First, there is quite a lot of "heat" going on. I encourage that you think of a synonym or just skip it at times.
"Nearing a town, he slowed to take notice of the place. This place didn’t seem to be doing as poorly as the village he had seen, but this place was also bigger." and then in the next paragraph: "Wolf Moon Tavern was the name of the place."
place, place, place, place. Unnecessary repetition.
"flashing coin[s] around here"
"glaring at them"
you forgot a period after "them".
"from Akemi and Aisha. Akemi and Aisha backed away"
I don't think you need to say their names twice. Try something like this: "from Akemi and Iasha, who both backed away"
"plenty of water, while the region was dry and thirsting for water."
water, water. And then there comes more water in that paragraph :/
I don't know if you repeat the words purposely, but it does detract so I suggest to think twice.
Anyhow onto the actual chapter now!
I adored it! It was really well done, because you SHOWED and didn't tell. Everything came together nicely, and the two characters are just adorable They work well together, and I like how they are both professional.
Your descriptions and overall writing really doesn't have much flaws aside from the repetitions. Really, this story is intriguing! I was pretty much hooked throughout the whole chapter.
The interaction between the two characters and the extra ones feel alive. I like it.
Well done, I must say! :D
| The Ferrett chapter 2 . 8/20/2007
(yes you're still getting RR stuff.)
Ok, I'm going to skip talking on about the trees and hills and spelling and stuff and get down to my thrre: people, flow and plot. Plot - plot's an 7.5 , about where it should be for the first 3 chaps until a specific purpose can be stated. Characters are smart and vibrant - that's always a plus. Flow though was the thing that got me. Acents in fiction work if they smooth through, as in the inflections are regular and unobtrusive. Your barman accent though is all over the place - it's like if your lecturer had an accent you can fathom and you sit down and have to pay attention to every word such that you lose the meaning. That's what I'ds work on.
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 8/20/2007
hey there... lefty from review revolution!
that's some description you've got going there - a bit graphic for me, but i still like the detail you've put into this bit of work.
the prologue is interesting - it makes me want to read more... i wonder what happened at the crossroads...?
i would suggest the same thing as frac did... there was quite a bit of repetition, which isn't bad if it's used deliberately. don't be afraid to use that thesaurus button on word... :) i use it all the time.
good job so far!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 8/20/2007
Hi! I am from Review Revolution! Your story has been picked, and will now be gang-raped-reviewed by our members! Enjoy!
"bands of travelers, or the lone traveler"
travelers, traveler. Unnecessary repetition. How about "the lone ones"?
"in recent years.
years, years. Unnecessary repetition. How about trading one for "recently" or something alike?
"Ever since the carnage of the crossroads"
I dunno. I know you want to put emphasis on crossroads and travelers, but you use both words a whole lot in this chapter. maybe if you just skipped "of the crossroads" in this chapter? It'd still make sense
Your main problem so far is repeating yourself. Or rather, repeating the same word. Don't be afraid you use synonyms or other ways of expressing yourself.
Otherwise this was mighty good! I am intrigued. It was so deliciously portrayed, and I could picture it all so perfectly.
A job well done! :D