|Reviews for Tanner Bay: The Complete First Season|
| Sheepie chapter 1 . 7/7/2008
Finally got to reading it! First order of business, thanks for your review! Okay, now down to the actual review.
I'll start with the good! I like the concept of this. I personally never was a fan of The OC or Laguna Beach or The Hills (etc.), which is what this seems like. But its an interesting idea to play with. Its fun and has a lot of prospects so far. There's a lot you could play with! I like how your spinning it off as a television show too!
That though brings me down to the bad stuff. There was a lot I saw wrong and I want to point it out, that way I can possibly help in you approving.
Because you're trying to pass it as a TV show I don't think the section you have it in is exactly appropriate, especially because of your writing style as well! Even though its not a play, I think it would be more fit for that genre. With just a few adjustments to how you write it, things would flow so much better.
The beginning of the story/episode was very confusing. I didn't get that you were just explaining a past occurrence until farther down in the story when you introduce the kids. You also randomly italic a paragraph, which I didn't quite understand.
Through out the story you don't give much to the imagination. You use short simple sentences that (in no offense) are slightly bland. For example, you start off explaining Richard. You say he got into mischief but beyond that we know nothing of his character. We you describe his sexual experience with Candy, it falls flat. So far there is very little depth to your characters. I have no idea what they look like, what they act like, or even where they live. What is Tanner Bay like? What does it look like? What is the atmosphere?
You don't have to go over board with descriptions, but giving us (the readers) a few things to go off of and use can really help when painting the picture.
My second point is Julie and Richard now, more specifically their jobs. Whats a Desk Detective? When you first introduce her you say she has a desk position, I'm assuming she's a secretary/receptionist of some kind. In order to be a detective you have to do rigorous training. You have to go to the Police Academy to become an officer and then take an exam to be promoted to detective stature. In a legal speaking the position she has doesn't seem plausible or likely. Exposing case information to a civilian (which is what she would be considered)is against regulations. She wouldn't have any legal right to do that and could probably get in trouble herself, not to mention Chuck getting in trouble.
Richard also seems a bit off the wall when it comes to his job. I don't understand how he can just waltz in and take over Trey's case unless he was appointed by the courts to defend him, or he he heard of it and is doing it pro bono. Because unless Trey hired him or was appointed, Richard could not waltz in there and state he's the lawyer. If he was appointed I must have missed where you said that.
If there is such a thing as a desk detective by the way, I haven't heard of it and I'm sorry. I tried looking it up before I wrote this but I couldn't find anything. If there is you should explain Julie's job a bit more.
Next I'd like to mention how you jump back and forth. I get the transitions because of it being a "show" and they do move rather smoothly, but the way they are set up it can get confusing. Try separating different scenes by triple spacing or markings of some kind.
To be honest I had trouble finishing this chapter and had a huge urge to skim. I'm not saying its horrible, and forgive me if this comes off as a bashing review. I swear to you I'm not bashing your story. I plan to finish reading it as we agreed. I'm just trying to be as thorough and helpful as possible in my reviews. You have a good idea but you start off with little flare. My philosophy is if you can't get past the first page of a book its not worth reading. A story has to hook you in the beginning, typically by the first sentence. All the great classics are remembered for their begining lines. Look at A Tale of Two Cities: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Or even Moby Dick: Call me Ishmael.
All these are hooks that lure the reader in and keeps them there. I know more of the characters will come out as the story progresses and there will be more things to hook me to it, but at the same time, if this were a book in a story I probably wouldn't buy it.
Don't fret though. Because like I said there are possibilities for this, its a nice idea. Kyle did intrigue me, it'll be interesting to see how he unfolds. I think with a tweak in your writing style this story could really blossom. I'd either shift to a script format or add a bit more description and color.
:D I'll get to reading the next chapter soon, do keep up the good work!
| Natalie R chapter 32 . 7/3/2008
Hey I love your work. Please read & review my story: To Face The Darkness Alone.
| N.J Robinson chapter 1 . 4/23/2008
Ok, I'm confused. Is this supposed to be a story or a script? Either way it tells everything too quickly. I feel like I'm in one of those dreams where I keep skipping through time over and over and over. Don't get me wrong, I like the premise of the story and the roles that each character plays, but I feel as if you are just throwing a bunch of information at me all at once. "Show, don't Tell" It's best in this type of story - or any story really - to show the reader what is happening rather than telling them that it's going on. It'll really liven up a story and make it read less like a textbook. Your dialog, however, is one of your higher points. Granted there are some parts that make your characters seem robotic, for the most part it runs smoothly. I hope I haven't discouraged you, I'm just trying to help.
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 4/11/2008
Hmm, this reminds me of Laguna Beach, or the OC, or somesuch. Though the characters seem older than teenage age-so props there, I've never read this sort.
Hnn, there is quite a bit of narration. From what I gather this is somewhat a TV show setup-as the narrator, why TELL the audience when you could show through a series of quick scenes, flashbacks of sorts? That seems more visual.
There is a lot of dialog, which is good. It establishes character and goes well with a piece like this.
The story line brings a little new flavor. And the teaser at the end has me intrigued. _~
On a story like this, I'll trade reviews whenever you want.
| The Grey Ghoul chapter 2 . 4/5/2008
well i don't think i've ever read even a shred of literature about a nudist. i thought that was realy funny! do you know any nudists? i guess waht people do behind closed doors is their business, but bringing it into a classroom? not the best idea.
i wish you would just focus on kyle and tom and stuff that happens to them. i must admit i dont' really care about richard. kyle and tom are way more interesting.
i'll keep reading
| Stormer chapter 2 . 4/2/2008
I think you meant to say "Tom" in this, when you said "Richard":
Kyle lay in his bed, unable to sleep. He was upset about how things had gone with Richard that day and vowed to change it tomorrow.”
Also, loved this line:
Richard said, “Thank God for your crazy appetite.”
I think the nudist thing was hilarious.
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 1 . 4/1/2008
This... is weird.
It's a summary with some plot. It's not even a story, not really. You skip through so much with your narrating at the beginning (honestly? It's MOSTLY narration. I don't know why you bothered with italics).
| Stormer chapter 1 . 3/31/2008
Sometimes you use two different tenses, i.e.:
"Richard is a lawyer, and his daughter Julie, got a desk job at the police station. Kyle and Trent, now teenagers morphed into polar opposites. Kyle became a quiet boy..."
Richard IS a lawyer, and Kyle BECAME a quiet boy - present and past tense. You need to choose one or the other.
At this point, Maylene's answer to a question doesn't make sense:
The prosecutor got up and asked Maylene, “Was there any evidence to support your accusation of Benny killing your sister?”
Maylene replied, “I never said he killed her.”
The prosecutor continued, “Just answer the question.”
She said, “No, I don’t.”
What does she mean by "no I don't"? No she doesn't what? The prosecution didn't ask her "do you..." anything.
I dunno if I'm making sense here!
Anyway...I like the style of this story, like it's a TV show. Just a hint - if you try to put your own "lines" in a story, to separate sections, it won't work. I figured out that you can use the line provides for you in the story editor thing, to separate sections.
| The Grey Ghoul chapter 1 . 3/30/2008
i wanted to post a review yesterday but i didn't get around to it. the whole episode was good, but i think maybe you tried to put too much into one chapter? maybe that was your intention, i dont know. there is actually a WHOLE lot more to court processes, especially when there is murder involved. stuff like that takes months. that's why i felt that it was too much in one chapter.
anyway, you said in your profile you dont like to review long stories? i do have two recommendations, one is "religion" and the other is "The black arts". the first is complete the second is in progress. they're both long. if you dont' want to review that's fine. if you want to review the first chapters that's ok too.
anyway, thanks a lot
i'll keep reading
| Lucid Lune in Acoustic chapter 3 . 3/29/2008
I knew that the guy had to be some sort of pedophile freak. I just knew it and I had an idea about the cameras too. I just had this idea that he was fimlimg them for child porn. It's really gross lol, people that do that should be locked up forever. But it was nicely written, I just beg for more details. Other than that, you did good. Keep Writing and maybe one day you'll get your show!
| Lucid Lune in Acoustic chapter 2 . 3/25/2008
Kyle's a pretty cool kid but what was with the monkey man lol. I was like "Monkey Man" confused lol. I liked it but you could have given a little more suspense when it came to findiing out who the real killer was. And that's all I have to say. I'm not sure I'll read the next episode today as I have some writing to do but I'll make sure to read it tomorrow.
| Lucid Lune in Acoustic chapter 1 . 3/24/2008
I wonder if Kyle was molested. He shows some signs. And I can't believe Trey. He murdered his girlfriend so he could be with her sister. That was terrible. But good lol.
| Kavita Najim chapter 1 . 3/24/2008
That's pretty good.
Far more interesting then any other drama I've seen recently.
This is CyanideSunset btw.
| Takiyana chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
wow! that's actually pretty good, you shouldn't sell yourself so short. i apologize that i can't read more, my works catching up with me, but i'd like to read more later! good writing, kept me on the edge.
| groovacious chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
This is an interesting story-I like how it's unique and I love the whole court room drama idea. Reading it through, it sounded a bit choppy at some parts and I'd like to see each character display more emotion, because I feel as if you're just telling what a bunch of people do, not really going deep into the characters. Your themes are very interesting and original, so good job on that and as you probably know, internet surfers have a very small attention span, so you may want to cut down on each chapter.
If you have any questions or you want any clarification, message me.