|Reviews for The Farmhouse|
| CS Jones chapter 1 . 3/1
Very well-written. Yes, a little detail-heavy, but they serve as part of the story.
| Cheyenne Kai chapter 1 . 10/12/2009
Beautiful descriptions. I know how it feels for people to criticise on long-running description, but I myself love them, especially in horror books, and you have done them justice. Wonderful.
| Justin Carlton chapter 2 . 5/22/2008
First of all, get rid of that "author's note", and never ever ever apologize for something you've written. They no like? They no read.
"He was an invalid, not having left his room in the five years he had lived in Mrs. Barnes’ boarding house, therefore warranting certain necessary rights that the rest of us envied but accepted as fair." - too long of a sentence. I got the meaning, but in a very roundabout way.
"I wrinkled my nose and pinched the bridge of my nose." - huh? Seems out of place in context.
"It was within walking distance, since I did not have the extra money to pay for a cab. About two miles away." - this sentence doesn't make sense logically. But I got what you were trying to say.
"...as I hung up the cream colored phone..." - redundant; you described the phone already
"The papery cheeks, long having lost their natural pink..." - awkward wording... "having lost their natural pink long ago", perhaps?
"Fuchsia nails, in a color that matched..." - "in" is unnecessary
"A day a week was all I asked." - which is it? If she's simply undecided, it needs to be a little clearer.
"A small sheen melted in Mrs. Barnes’ eyes." - a sheen covers something.
"It was the one aftereffect I..." - need a space or a hyphen
"The white painted gate creaked amiably..." - "painted" is unnecessary
"I had always favored daisies." - ...over what?
Good element of suspense at the end. I have to say, the walk was a little too scripted. It felt very very slow right about the part with the squirrel. I understand what you're trying to do, and the dreamlike element remains strong in the story, but some of that could be shortened.
On the other hand, your writing is as excellent as ever. I've got very good mental images of the happenings, so congratulations in that regard. And I can see why this chapter was so long in coming.
Can't wait for the next installment.
| Megami Chibi chapter 1 . 9/6/2007
Wow it's... Riveting. I would like to know more of the memories, I hope you can find the motivation and inspiration to finish it!
| Justin Carlton chapter 1 . 8/31/2007
I'm finally reviewing... Sorry it's taken so long - but you know what it's like to have a life outside of the computer.
"...I slowly parked in the driveway of the old white house. The white paint was..." - it's a little redundant to repeat the adjective "white", considering you just told us what color the house was.
"A part of the wrought iron railing still stood, rusted with age, on the small cement porch, the stairs of which were crumbling." - this sentence is really awkward; maybe try breaking it up into two sentences, or use a conjunction after the a comma.
Now that I've completely destroyed your opening paragraph...
Congrats on using (and correctly spelling) the word 'rhododenrons'. I have never used that word in my writing.
"...branches, it's scarlet flowers..." - no apostrophe
"...there was something, or some one..." - someone; one word
"...covering most of the hard wooden floor..." - I think you need a comma after 'hard'
"...no raveling threads in the white fringe..." - unraveling
"...but alien in the Victorian style farmhouse..." - Victorian-style
BTW, I've noticed that you tend to have a lot of pianos in your stories... lol
"The floor in here was most scuffed..." - again, a little confusing; "badly" instead of "most" would probably get the meaning across better
"...all covered in dirt and bird poop..." - I actually blinked when I read that, to make sure I'd read it properly. Up until this point, the aura of everything was extremely creepy - seriously, at this point you have me intrigued - but the word "poop" destroys that, because it's, well... silly. A different, more professional word (besides "excrement") would be better.
"...Almost unwillingly, I lifted my eyes to the ceiling; sky broke through the shingles..." - instead of a semicolon, try breaking this into two sentences, especially since you use another semicolon only a handful of words later.
" ...slowly walked through the house, and even more slowly walked up the creaking stairs. Turning at the landing, I bit my lip as I walked. As I reached the last stairs, I stared out the window to my right, not seeing the sunshine, just feeling the oppressive heat that had always plagued the children. Turning my face, I stopped and surveyed the hallway..." - is she going upstairs? I couldn't see the movement.
"...with their 'secret' things..." - use double quotation marks; you're only supposed to use the single ones inside of doubles. I know, I make that mistake all the time, too.
"...each one framed in simple white frames..." - a little repetitive-sounding; difficult to find another verb... maybe "contained"?
"The door at the end of the hall was dark, unmarred wood, still pristine though what had been behind it was terrifying." - comma after "pristine"
"I slowly walked towards it, drawn though I wished not to see into the room." - same as previous; also, it's a little awkward. Perhaps, "drawn, though I did not wish to see inside the room".
"I had promised myself that before I died, I would relieve these memories, or relive them, and perhaps then I would die in peace, after I saw that what had been done was long gone, after I relieved my memories to see that the rooms were empty now, the house abandoned, the horror of it all gone with age." - good sentence; a little lengthy, but this - in a nutshell - I assume is the entire purpose of the story (since you used it as your summary). I like the play on "relieve" and "relive". Nice work.
I really got into this one, Kristi. The descriptions of "him" were perfect - enough to be disturbing, but lacking just enough to keep the reader wondering, and that is what is really terrifying to me, especially in written work: once I can "see" what the terrifying thing is, it stops being scary.
Some might tell you that the lengthy descriptions dominating the first half or so of the story are too long and boring; I found them fascinating. They painted a perfect picture of the house, and I could really get a sense of the main character's fear. I also liked the twist of how she hates the place because of whatever happened in the past, and yet she loves the house itself. I'm curious to find out more about the history of the family.
Excellent, truly. Just clean up the wordplay a little here and there, and you'll have a winner. Oh, and you'll have to write a few more chapters. *wink wink*
I know you like lengthy reviews.
| Lithium of Mercy chapter 1 . 8/26/2007
Please do get the motivation! Please! I have to hear what happened. (damn you, curiousity.) Keep going!
| jenny chapter 1 . 8/26/2007
oh my lanta. this is spooky.
who was the guy? who were the people he killed?
what was he doing locked up?
where did he kill the people?
when does this take place?