|Reviews for Exchanging Karma|
| myturntobebrave chapter 1 . 7/2/2009
I'm liking this so far! I found only one contradiction.
Your character mentioned Enki was "the bane of her existence" and then said that "he didn't bother me that much."
Those things annoy me.
Oh, and Kelpy Seaweed as a name? Hilarious!
Overall, you've got some great writing and a good plot going here. I'm impressed.
Feel free to drop me a line (or a review of my story Look At Her) if you wish.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 12 . 8/11/2008
Oh. You're going to make a story called "Exchanging Luck"? I would love to read it. ::winks at her:: Sort of like American Pie 2 in the American Pie/Wedding series. I'd love it. This chapter wasn't up to your full potential, but it worked as an ending. I believed it all. This story does have somewhere to go. All stories do. You just have to find that way, if you care to.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 10 . 8/11/2008
You know what I've noticed? I think that Hazel in "Exchanging Karma" is the same character as Pearl in "Punishing of the Tormentor of the Starved". They both wear black, have a male best friend who would be a good mate, were they both not "lesbians". I know that Pearl is a lesbian, but I question whether Hazel is. I have to ask this question as well, "Why does Charity call Hazel, Ladder?"
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 9 . 8/11/2008
Wow... this story gets weirder and weirder...
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 8 . 8/11/2008
Kelpy just made her luck WORSE. Wow... or had he switched his luck with Hazel's? That's interesting.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 7 . 8/11/2008
Once again, you are keeping my interest. I am actually a big fan of cliffhangers, as I myself love to incorporate them in stories when I have the chance. I am one of those writers, however, that writes the story out BEFORE placing it on a site. You certainly write the strangest high school stories ever, but I love them.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 6 . 8/11/2008
Do you still not have a beta for this story? If you don't, just let me know. I'm sorry that I haven't checked my school E-mail lately. I have been otherwise occupied on the Internet, but I have been trying to catch up on your works. Thank you for tolerating my inability to get to your material quickly. You really write some great stories. I am proud of Ramman for finally standing up to Enki; perhaps he is growing, too.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 5 . 8/11/2008
Dang! I thought that you had forgotten about Oberon and Kelpy (I forgot about him) until this chapter. I want to hear more about them. By the way, where on Earth did you conjure their names from? Those are by far the weirdest names I've ever heard, but they make for an interesting read.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 4 . 8/11/2008
I wasn't expecting the events of that chapter happening at all., especially for Mrs. Snider to care about Charity that much. I figured that she was planning to prove Charity was getting beaten around when she gave her those detentions. GREAT job of making twists and turns in the story. However, I have been asking myself this question: "Where is Oberon?" I only saw him in the first and maybe the second chapters. I want to see more of him, considering that he is Jav's exchange student.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 3 . 8/11/2008
Wow. Many little pairings are featured all over the place. I wonder who Ramman is going to pick. I know that some girl will definitely want him. I don't even think that Dag is going. Homecoming so isn't his thing.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 2 . 8/11/2008
I'm curious as to HOW Charity got into this mess? I know that she is the apple of everyone's eyes at the school, but that much pressure? Poor thing! Great chapter.
| Xara Nahara O'Connor chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
This is your weirdest story yet. I thought that Reckoning was strange. I'm curious. Are the Starlight High School students in Wiscosin, or are the exchange students from Wiscosin? And Charity's house looks like a mansion, but there seem to be an amazing shortage of bathrooms. Twenty bedrooms and three bathrooms? No wonder Charity is crazy. The poor girl. I like the story, though.
| kittymobile chapter 1 . 6/30/2008
Okay, review time :)
The question on every selected senior at Starlight High School was ‘why me?’
the question on every selected senior's lips at Starlight High school was: 'why me?'
would sound like it makes more sense:)
as we received our letters. This letters informed as we were going to have to put up with foreign exchange students in our respective homes for a whole month at the every least.
How about for the second sentence you start it 'these letters informed us we were going to have to put up with...' etc as this cuts out the repetition of 'letters' and changes the typo 'as' to 'us'. -
They were even talking about
How about 'There was even talk about' as this makes it sound less conversational.
She knew about why
Take out the 'about' there was one in the previous paragraph and it isn't needed in this sentence anyway. Where you can cut words out, do so. :).
That's great on its own like that: gives great impact.
An apple pie slammed into my face before I had time to respond. Then I fell into the trashcan backwards.
The sentences here are too short and it disrupts the flow of the story. How about...
An apple pie slammed into my face before I had time to respond and, as a result, i fell backwards into the trashcan.
or you can take out 'as a result' and just have and i fell backwards into the trashcan. :).
“If today gets any better for you, Charity, you’ll have to
Take out the comma after you: it's not needed.
You don't need to mention Jav's last name either- it's more info than is needed in the situation and it slows down the reading process.
So far today I had gotten a door slammed in my face consequently leaving a red mark on my forehead that had finally faded away
'ly' words are evil and should be rooted out of everything like weeds. xD. How about... 'So far today I had gotten a door slammed in my face, leaving a red mark on my forehead which took ages to fade away'
Remember, I'm only giving my opinion on things here: you don't have to follow what i suggest. ]
had a bee sting me
In the list you'd had a 'had' start the incident in the comma bracket right before this. How about you say 'a bee stung me' instead? :)
and a guy drooled on me
too many 'on me's or 'me's how about...'drooled down my front' or something like that, to give you more of a picture of it?
And it wasn’t even first period yet!
Never start sentences with 'And' ...it ish better :)
strutted themselves through the door
Take out 'themselves'
I know people would die to be me, who is the most popular girl in our whole school, but I would rather be the tomboyish bookworm I started off as
I know people would die to be me, the most popular girl in the entire school, but i would much rather be the tomboyish bookworm i started off as.
Unfortunately no Ashton Kutcher jumped out to inform me I was punk’d.
You could put a comma after unfortunately for emphasis.
Fantastic! Charity Logan has resorted to talking to people who aren’t really there. Don’t let her enemies know. They already want to take her apart and set her on fire.
Uhm...you've just gone from 1st person (the I's) to 3rd person (he/she/it)...I'm confused xD.
The guy whose name I didn’t even know remarked
Cut out the 'even' it makes this sentence sound slightly childish, less professional than it need be.
‘Did a Mac truck finally come and finish me off?’
That's funny xD. Great.
She didn’t know how to do anything, but hand out condoms.
Don't need the comma.
I asked referring to his earlier remark.
Comma after asked.
we were on marching to their death.
two different pronouns here.
you want either:
we were marching to our death
Most of them looked as if they were marching to their death.
into having the day off
have the day off
too many 'into having's in the sentence.
had to have plastic surgery
had to have had plastic surgery
Then she ran to the bathroom probably to regroup so she could think of a way to avenge her self like I cared.
Then she ran to the bathroom, probably to regroup and think of a way to avenge herself. Like I cared.
At the brother was cute.
At least the brother was cute?
My house after you get settled in we can meet at my house for ice cream
Don't need the first 'my house'
Btw, what does 'ek' mean with the scene breaks?
you and I can have are our own party.”
you and I can have our own party
He moved closer and pulled me closer.
He moved closer and pulled me to him.
Are you staying around to hang around with a bunch of high schoolers?”
Are you staying to hang around with a bunch of high schoolers?"
He could easily make someone thing
typo: think not thing
Okay, finished this chapter. I have to say, if you don't hate me yet for all that critiquing and want me to continue editing, I'd rather have the raw files x.x Editing like this is a pain and it means that, should you agree with me, you have to trawl back through the whole thing xD.
I'm liking the plot though. You can definately be very funny at times too. I love your sense of humour.
That said, take care and I hope to hear from you soon
...That was a mammoth review wasn't it xDxD.
| DesiredLove chapter 7 . 5/7/2008
you know.. u are good at them darn cliffhangers! \ but oh well! makes me want to keep reading! ] (which is good for you) ]
| DesiredLove chapter 6 . 5/7/2008
loved it! now this wonderful story has horror in it! like the McDonal's saying: I'm Lovn' It! ]