|Reviews for The Raven and the Rose|
| Alteng chapter 6 . 8/25/2008
This has been a good read. i wasn't really expecting trouble at the ball. Neither was Mordra. The constant dancing reminded me of some of the stories about the realm of Faerie, where a person is trick into dancing himself to death or sancing for centuries as the world outside passes by.
It was nice to hear about Mordra unique history. I can get a feel for some frustration from her on this one as well. Only she can kill an oracle with her destiny.
Setillo seems like a nice fellow. The dark romance. He's a halfbreed. That came as a bit of a surpise. I think that is because Mordra didn't notice it, and it wasn't brought up until the folks passed him in the hallway.
A thing you might want to look at when tweaking this chapter, he doesn't tell Mordra his name. It just comes out of the blue, and it feels like you missed something there. If she knows his name because of some power, let it b e known in an artfui way.
And I would think that Mordra is going to get tired of always mending the sick and wounded companions! ah, her lot in life.
I am going to put this on my alert list, because this story has been a pleasure to read.
| Alteng chapter 5 . 8/23/2008
This chapter does not seem as refined as the other ones have been on the technical stuff. You use the word 'prey' at one point in time when you mean 'pray'. 'Prey' is a victim (usually intented to be lunch.), who is being stalked.
You call Modra the Archmage Uproven . . . Would that be Unproven? Of course, you are consistent with this one.
I like how this is described, and the dream seems interesting. I am rather interested in goblins, mind you. Most of my stories involve them.
This place seems to be a safe haven for the unwanted half breeds, and I am glad that they are frowned upon, because that seems to be more of the nature of things in reality. We don't like those that are different even if we created them ourselves.
Oh, and I remembered the remark I made about Mordra that through her respect into question. It had to do with the man and his change of attitude towards her. If he said something to the effect of Miss Mordra, then the idea would come across better.
And Mordra is an odd name for a heroine, because 'Mor" usually refers to something dark or death. I should talk, indeed.
| Alteng chapter 4 . 8/22/2008
Fictionpress is having one of its issues again and won't let me on my login page. So, I got here in a round about way.
I take it that Mordra is accepted and maybe even respected in the town. I just would think that there would be questions about the woman coming trancelike to her home like a zombie. I would think Mordra would even question this, unless she was behind it. If this is so, we, as the reader need to know about the spell.
I can think that Mordra would be put out that she has such a belittling quest to rescue a woman from a bunch of sex craved mercenaries since she is waiting for that one big quest, but I do believe she will do it all the same without complaint. This may lead to bigger and badder things. Especially since du Avery is not acting normally.
| Alteng chapter 3 . 8/19/2008
Okay, this another good chapter, and it seems to move the story along and introduce another acting character in this story. You do a wonderful description of the city. You know, it is odd that to enter this city, you have to go through the slums first. Actually, it works this way in the city I live in to go to Newport. You either go through the slums of Covington to get to a halfway descent neighborhood of Newport, or you go through the good area of Covington to get the housing projects of Newport. Newport is over the river from here.
Although Mordra is an archmage, I think she would realize that there is more to this woman's appearance than what mets the eye. Some power obviously moved her in her direction. The man's changed opinion on the way back was an interesting thing. I wonder if mordra had a reputation at the inn and such was relayed to him. Of course, I would have thought that it would be one of fear. Hey, I am the one that has the thing for Witch Hunts. Fear is a fun thing to write.
Again there is the repeating thing going on. You decribe the greying hair the woman has twice in a very similar way.
Oh, and 'wide birth' should be 'wide berth' I believe.
| Alteng chapter 2 . 8/18/2008
Alright, I got a chance to read through this first real chapter. I wasn't planning on just leave it hanging.
Structually on paper this looks good. Another words, it isn't ate up with dialogue, and the paragraphs are a fair size. This gives the story a more professional look.
Now for the content. When you described Gwendolys and the other two ladies, you get a little clumsy. The seamtress woman had a good description, but I got a little confuse when you started to talk about governess and the seamtress, but I did read this after a full night of doing floors, and my brain is mush by then. Still, you have the habit of often refering to Gwendolys by her name then turning around and calling her the platinumn blonde, especially in the tavern. I realize what you are trying to do, but it does come off awkward.
Otherwise, this story is coming off really good. It rather reminds me of a Grimm's tale called "Allerleirauh" where the king wants to marry his own daughter.
| Alteng chapter 1 . 8/17/2008
This is a good beginning. It is odd that the Numerons actually mated with the humans. St5ill, it is interesting and unexpected. Opposites attract and all.
The explanation of the beginning of the races was good as well. I am interested in seeing how this will come together in a story.
I hope you do well in getting this published. And like you, I have been writing my stories for a good many years. I have been writing since I was 11. I hope to get my work published someday, but it is had to find time and good criticism.
| Jenny Rocker chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
This is a really solid start and I think with some slight tweaking could be a fantastic opener.
You start off with a historical/geographical/geneological lecture of your world, which can spell disaster if you delve too far into it right off the bat. I think you've done an excellent job, giving your reader this pertinent information, but keeping it still pretty short and sweet so as to not bog us down with too much information at once. It also finishes off with a transition into some mystery that I assume will unfold as I read further. Well done.
There are a couple of grammatical errors, or redundancy in the prose, that, if weeded out, could make the narrative much stronger.
First: "But hatred began to fester, a rancid hatred fed by ignorance and hatred"-not only do you say "hatred" three times in this one sentence, but you're pretty much saying "a festering hatred fed by hatred". This is like overkill redundancy. Maybe say "a rancid hatred fed by ignorance and fear"? Or say "a rancid hatred fed by ignorance" period.
You use a lot of commas, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but you may want to consider using other punctuation marks where appropriate: "And so they slipped soundlessly into the pages of history, dying as they had lived, peacefully, without an unkind though or deed."
You could actually write: "And so they slipped soundlessly into the pages of history, dying as they had lived:[COLON] peacefully, without an unkind though or deed." And I think you mean an "unkind THOUGHT" not an "unkind THOUGH", yes?
Lastly, there are a few sentences that are very similar when you are talking about some of the races that are a product of mixed bloods; it feels like you are contradicting yourself.
You say "Something remarkable came of the mixing of human and faerie blood." And then in the next paragraph: "Yet it was in the combination of Numeron and Human blood that something truly remarkable happened." Pick only one to be "remarkable".
All in all, really good start.
| Nemonus chapter 2 . 9/8/2007
"a rancid hatred fear by ignorance and hatred."?
The whole beginning is a bit vague, from the part quoted above to " Terrible things were done during this dark time.", I for one thing have no clue what actually happened.
I like "they slipped soundlessly into the pages of history, dying as they had lived, peacefully".
"suns rays" needs an apostraphe.
I suggest keeping everything in past tense.
The human-dominated world and the mysteriously-disappearing mages are pretty cliche.
Not bad altogether. I do wanna see how this connects to the prologue.
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 9/8/2007
The beginning of this story is interesting because it's unique. It's not a stock action scene, but the intrigue, unconventional backstory, and the way you immediatly, unexpectedly flesh out Gwndolys du'Avery made me want to read on. Your prose is decent, uncomplicated and with the occasional misused "their" or "you're". make sure you edit for grammar and typing. At the end, the last two sentences, I don't think they're supposed to be there.
The last sentence I think you intend, "The High Lady Gwendolys..." almost wraps it up too much, making the story feel like an accomplished oneshot but not something I'm sure I want to find out more about. Getting a book published is all about intruguing ideas. You've almost got it. Your way of makin the reader understand the switcheroo was clever and well-timed.
| Nightstar56 chapter 2 . 9/8/2007
A good chapter but there are several grammatical errors and I'm not real clear as to what the prologue has to do with this chapter. It almost reads as if the two are reversed.
| Nightstar56 chapter 1 . 9/8/2007
Good start but I did notice a couple of things. First, I think you meant bridles when talking about the horses' tack. There's a couple of places where you forgot quotation marks, you've switched you're for your and they're for their. Nothing major but it throws off the flow. Oh, and that last line doesn't seem to be connected to anything.
All right, enough criticism, it's a great start.