|Reviews for The Only Problem is That We're Soulmates|
| ocii chapter 1 . 7/3/2009
Aw, but I don't want to flame you!
Haha, well, I liked this. I could relate to it a lot, actually. It filled me with anger and a few other emotions I can't really describe, but I can surely say I can relate to this. My hero who changed my life and made me a better, friendlier person betray my family. It's a heartbreaking thing, and I still don't think I've healed from it.
Now, all you have to do is know where you're going, and this could be a wonderful novel, though probably small. Right now, I'm curious about what's going to happen next, who (or what) helps her not to cut or hurt herself in any way, and what happens with the family (and I'm really hoping that the main character's family gets into better shape).
Also, none of your characters have been given names, and it kind of feels like they should have. If you need to, go to a baby names website and find names with the meanings that match (and add symbolism) to your story.
Good job so far!
| TorturedBreath chapter 2 . 1/29/2008
I really really love what you did with this chapter! It made it so much better and I really enjoyed the way that you improved it! MY GOD! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more!
| Tortured Breath chapter 2 . 1/1/2008
I really really liked the title of this chapter but was extremely disappointed by the contents. This is mostly due to the lack of depth of both characters and dialect. The conversations between the students is extremely shallow... Is it intendened to be that way? One the other hand, the characters seem intriguing in an interesting way. It will be interesting to watch them develope. But the chapters are short, the detail lacking which leaves the reader guessing what in God's name is going on. Not a good idea. But I would suggest a Beta... and I want to keep reading. Love is such ha wonderful thing!
Keep up the good work!
| Tortured Breath chapter 1 . 1/1/2008
Alright, so I understand the whole story that you are trying to tell and it makes sense, however I don't know where exactly you are going to take this. It will probably be revealed in the next chapter.
This prologue does reveal some things about the main character, she doesn't seem very indepth at the moment but maybe that will change later on.
There are a few mistakes in sentence structure etc. but that all can be fixed. Maybe you should look into getting a Beta in order to help you writing improve if you are looking for constructive critisim. I am more than will to do it. Just let me know and I will be more than willing to help.
Keep up the good work.
| hades.daemon chapter 2 . 12/19/2007
ah, yet another kick-ass chapter!
i'm loving this story! i remembered to put it on alert this time!
| hades.daemon chapter 1 . 12/19/2007
okay, this is just plain aweome. how do you write so well!
| SamanthaNicole chapter 1 . 9/18/2007
I saw that you put my story, Bloodlust, on alert, so I wanted to return the favor with a review. Here goes :-)
This is a really interesting beginning to what I hope will be a really great story. The plot is solid, and intriguing.
Also, you convey emotion well. I really feel bad for the main character's father, as well as her family. And I'd love to smack her aunt upside the head with something very blunt and heavy.
And now I kick into Crazy English Major mode:
"When I was in fifth grade, my aunt sued my father for emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. When in truth she was the one who did all of those things to my dad." These two sentences should be combined. The second isn't exactly a fragment, but it shouldn't stand by itself.
"She was always very nice to me, and my brother. She wasn’t mean to us." I would cut out the second sentence here, because it's a bit redundant. "She was always nice. She wasn't mean." Same thing.
"...my brother and me" should be "my brother and I."
"my aunt held a gun on her boyfriend..." HAD held a gun.
"My mom was the one who went and got her from the jail, but my parents couldn’t prove that, because the police chief at the time erased it from her record when he left." Couldn't prove that the mom had gone to get her, or that the aunt had held a gun on someone?
"My brother wouldn’t have wanted to go to any of them, if we had been invited." EVEN if.
"I did. I wanted it all. I read books where the characters had families like that. I saw movies. My friends had families like that. I wasn’t jealous..." You may want to revise these few sentences. The staccato rhythm of these really short sentences makes for rather choppy reading.
"I did find an outlet for my anger, though. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t hurt anyone else, I hurt myself. I cut. Whenever I got angry, I would cut." First of all, I feel really bad for your main character. What a terrible outlet for emotional pain. However, the wording is slightly awkward. You may want to consider something like, "Because I couldn't, no wouldn't, hurt anyone else, I hurt myself." Because the comma between 'else' and 'I' should be a period otherwise. Or something else, just not a comma.
Besides a few grammatical errors, I think you really have something here. Good luck with this, I'm eager to see where it goes.
| sadistikitty chapter 2 . 9/13/2007
In chapter 1:
If you do judge keep you opinions to yourself... the second you should be your.
In chapter 2:
emotionally, physically, and sexually abuse... you don't need the -ly on any of these words.. that makes them adverbs... you need them to be adjectives.
I'm going to be honest; I had a hard time getting much further than that. You repeat yourself, and you jump around, which can make the story confusing. For instance, you're talking about the aunt and how she was always nice (and then you say something about her abusing 'him'. Who is 'him' supposed to be?). Then in the next sentence you start on the father. Then you go right back to the aunt. Try grouping together thoughts so it's not as erratic.
I actually don't really think that the father thing fits there at all because it felt like this chapter was there to establish the chasm that grew within the family due to a feud with the aunt; if that was the case, save the information about the abusive father for later and maybe introduce it as an action. You don't want to bombard people with all of the information up front; let the story flow, and facts that we need to know will find their way into the story naturally.
I can't really say anything about short chapters because I have a hard time writing long ones, but yours could be longer with a little more description. Especially ch 1 (or prologue)... It was definitely a little repetitive and was way too short, but one line caught me enough that I decided to try to read on.
Don't give up... wasted creativity is a sad thing... you just need practice and a good beta (or someone who's willing to collaborate and read ahead so you know what doesn't work before you post)
| Mi.Ishi chapter 1 . 9/10/2007
It needs to be longer. It sorta jumps right into it; prologues are supposed to help introduce some of the situation before the story so that the rest of it makes sense.
| planurescape chapter 1 . 9/10/2007
A new story? O...nice.
| Somewhere In Between chapter 1 . 9/9/2007
okay well, it is rather sucky xP but it still dragged me in.. please update soon!