Reviews for DOA
NocensLupus chapter 1 . 8/16/2009
It took me a bit to get the hang of the disjointed, changing character narrative. It's extremely fitting that we get these stream-of-consciousness excerpts from various people in and around the situation, considering the subject matter/setting.

The only thing I'm torn about is the fact that it IS so difficult to figure out exactly who is talking at each point. While there's something wonderfully disturbing about all their thought processes sounding similar (and that really says a lot about base human nature, doesn't it?), it might help the reader if there were more marked differences in each character's thought patterns.

Either way, it's a strong piece. It needs a bit of polish, but you seem to have a strong grasp of what it takes to make a piece of prose really stand out. Kudos.
Julius Gillian chapter 1 . 3/27/2008
I enjoyed the haphazard stream of consciousness from these two characters because it was like reading the minds of two actual characters. So it was very realistic in that respect despite it being choppy in bits and places, as in I felt that some sentences sounded superficial or just hanging there to add your emphasis as if you felt like you needed more than what was already being said. I know the mind 'tends' to wonder, but I feel you lose your coherency with your characters when you do that. You break your sentences up into individual lines which is great, it really makes your piece more dramatic because it puts more weight on every thought the character contributes, but because of the style you picked I feel it's meant to be read 'fast-paced'.

'That guy over there in the coat. I see him every time I come in. Must have the same appointment times I do. Always got that vacant stare going on. I can’t ever tell what’s going through his mind. I’ve never even heard him speak. He doesn’t look too good today. Granted, we don’t come here because we feel fine and happy, but he looks rougher than usual. Must’ve had one hell of a week. Maybe his wife dumped him. Or his bills are late. Or something like that. I wonder why he keeps squirming around. Its almost like he’s got to take a crap or something.'

That was taken from the third paragraph, I think. In the first and second you already mentioned his surroundings, and I didn't mind you going into a third but I had enough of what he was seeing by the midway point here so I just skipped it. I don't mean to sound picky, but when you elongate your description, especially with 'little' lightening sentences like this it loses its edge very quickly and that dramatic quality goes down the drain. Try to even this out with longer sentences, or better yet keep a balance between the two.

The overall build towards the climax didn't really make me 'jump' or 'feel' any particular emotion to any of these people, nor was I shocked that he pulled a gun even though I didn't expect it at all. I think it's because I just couldn't relate to these characters so much even though I could emphasize with their stress and helplessness, or feeling of helplessness. I think it's because I felt I didn't have enough time to become intametly close to them, you fix your characters right in the present (which is great by the way I have trouble doing that myself) and we have little else to hang on then what they think in the 'now'; which is quite clever and keeps me on my toes. But it's very thin when it comes to the climax I believe, and the gun at the end just was indifferent to me.

With all that said, you do a wonderful job of conveying these two characters from start to end while keeping it in the present, which is very comenable because accomplishing that feat is very difficult. I wish I could do that myself in brevity, so good job man. It's just that it felt somewhat flaky in areas and I think your characters need a tad more meat to feel more fullfilling, because I honestly came off this piece half full. Do you know what I mean?

Honestly, I like this piece, but I wasn't satisfied completely.

Keep it up though, this piece has serious potential and I admire your contribution to this sort of style. I hope to see more from you!

- Julian
Apotheosis X chapter 1 . 10/4/2007
(I tried to leave a review already, but I don't think it's going to show up... if it does, you can disregard this one).

It's amazing. I love the way you give so much insight into the characters without even stating names or giving much in the way of physical description. You have a great writing style; I guarantee you that if ten other writers attempted this narrative they would've failed miserably. I don't think I would've been able to do it- the switching from character to character, still making it clear who's who.

Keep it up.

I'm totally adding this to my favorite stories.

InkySubstance chapter 1 . 9/27/2007
Wow, that was truly amazing, I wish there was more. I really liked how you didn't use names that much.