|Reviews for Run Like Hell|
| Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 6/30/2008
The title is an accurate description of what she should do. Nice work. Keep writing!
Good luck with writing, this story, and life. Have a lovely day and a wonderful summer.
| AluminumMuse chapter 1 . 10/6/2007
Interesting. Before I start telling you what you did write, though, i must point out some technical errors.
she glanced in a broken and poked at a bruise
You left out a word or something.
“Selene! Get out here this instant! I know you’re awake! I know that you hid it!
Limit the exclamation points. By saying that her voice broke through the thin walls, you are implying that she is yelling. Using so many in a row makes each other them less meaningful.
“Where did you hide it?”
Dialog should always start a new paragraph.
Part of Selene longed for the voice that long ago soothed her.
The wording sounds rather awkward.
She pulled a blade out from her pocket and ran the flat of the blade against his cheek.
Instead of saying 'blade' twice, you can probably get away with just saying 'it.'
The eighteen year old wondered down the street her hands in her baggy pockets and an almost arrogant look on her face.
One of my pet peeves. We don't need to know her age, only her mindset. Details like is only as important as the affect it has on the character. Also, the phrasing of this is something that I see on FanFiction a lot: using physical description as opposed to pronouns to get those descriptions into the plot. Put them in where they are important. Otherwise, they can stay murky.
“Taisto.” She cooed, her voice gentile, her eyes still dangerous.
Taisto should have a comma after it.
But even they could not out match the five police cars, mounted officers, and guys on the ground.
The chase seen could be in better detail. Furthermore, I doubt many people would be dispatched to get some girl stealing from her mom, and police know the streets really, really well. It's part of the job requirement. Mounted police officers and police cars would have a lot of trouble following them if they slipped into an alley or whatever. The officer would most likely use her full name. I think having thi be a bit more believable could help the effectiveness of it.
and all trace of Selene was gone.
Were, not was.
Over all, though, beautifully written. I already love Kitty, and I can't wait for the next chapter. Just one thing: not saying that you have done this yet, but try not to paint the plot in perfect black and wait. The police are just trying to protect the town, and it seems like, at the very least, she's involved in a good deal of violence (er... which is bad. Yes. -coughcough-).
| Josh G. aka Expo chapter 1 . 9/27/2007
Okay... I will be honest here... At first you began to develop a character that may seem interesting and I wanted to read about. She had a lot of things the make a good character out of. Shitty mom, gay dad, sucky life. But no... you went and formed action in the first chapter. A hint of writing is not to jump to action right away, plan it out better. Also... have you EVER watched a cop movie or been talked to by the cops? No? I didn't think so, because if you'd had then you would KNOW FOR FACT that a policeman would NEVER say '“Selene.” An officer said, “You are under arrest for stealing money from your mother.”' or even '“You are going to be arrested.”' I'm not even going to try to tell you what they would say, there are so many things but that is not one, that need IMMEDIATE revision. Also, unless you live in like the most strict town ever you would not go to jail for stealing from your parents. You need to write more about what you know and not what you wrongly fantasize about.