|Reviews for Etherworld|
| Error-Author chapter 5 . 11/28/2007
'She sighed under the water, relaxing for the first time in what seemed like ions.'
I think you meant 'aeons'?
Alas, poor Hiei. Pride always comes before a fall. At least she managed to disembowel a few nameless lackeys. And disrupted during her rare bathing too. Poor girl.
| Error-Author chapter 4 . 11/28/2007
Your descriptions make me green with envy, you know. XD
'As the obnoxious patron of his office exited Howl sighed and laid his pretty head against the table, his forehead landing with a thump beside a large stamp that had his name embossed along the side, a present for a year of work along with the company.'
Watch for punctuation, hun. I noticed you might need to replace some of your comma's with ;'s or eles, start new sentences. It would break the paragraphs up better as well, and help readers digest what they are taking in more smoothly.
'His blue eyes stared at the page, glazing over with a thin sheet of disinterested ice making them look cloudy and far away.'
grammar again, lol. How about 'His blue eyes stared at the page; glazing over with a thin sheet of disinterested ice that made them look cloudy and far away.'?
Oh just have to compliment you on this following one;
'The walls had mirrors, streaked with finger prints of small children, grasping and touching with fascination at their own reflection.'
How do you do it? How? lol I swear to God, I would have to be sitting in an elevator making notes for it to come out that real. Those little gems of 'real' are something that I strive for and yet never feel I reach. I suppose we all have our strong points in writing, but you really are phenomenal at real life description.
Okay, time for the useless stuff. zomg I lurve Howl. But, boy, would I love to set someone like Rou loose in his neat, orderly home. Or Fox. Eheh, can you imagine the mess Fox would make? Heck, even Sierus. -fangirl clapping- I lurve Howl _ one of your few, if only, human boys.
| Error-Author chapter 3 . 11/28/2007
Aww, Howl! -hugs him tight- I lurve your boy!
'The boys hand reached over and felt around, the familiar bumps and grooves of the clock radio'
boy's perhaps? I never know what to do for these grammar things. bleh.
And I have to say, your metaphors really are fantastic, love. I cannot conjure up a metaphor to save my life.
'He regarded the people, rushing around like ants on a hill, gathering what bits of life they could to bring back to their families. '
I really did love that line.
Heh, and yay for Manitoba! My shower being the Manitoban portal to the Etherworld -grin- My amazing portal shower proclaimed by Etherworlds creator herself.
| Error-Author chapter 2 . 11/28/2007
An in depth intro to our dear, Hiei, but again, if you're going to do a re-write (again? lol how many times have you rewritten Etherworld?) I would consider jumping straight into action and spreading the description into the cracks between the action.
Little hints may build our dear girl better than a block of description. Most readers ignore description anyways; focusing on the way the character speaks, their actions and their thoughts to describe them. -shrug- you know your description is utterly fantastic, but I do find that it takes a while to sort through.
| Error-Author chapter 1 . 11/28/2007
"And so it begins."
Aye indeed. Also, one bun to rule them all, one bun to find them... aha sorry. I have nothing to nitpick about so I must jest.
You talked about making this into a prologue right? I would definately consider it. It is well written stuff, but you have to be the right person to enjoy world creation description. It's hard for someone like me with my short attention span. I think you may be driving on some readers by sticking this in first. Epic new worlds are a huge challenge and I know you've risen to meet it, but others may not know you have.
Much lurve, dear, and on to the next chapter!
kay n' crew
| Elle dont tu lis les histoires chapter 1 . 9/26/2007
great start! it's very descriptive, but you don't get too bogged down in it. (well, i'm getting bogged down reading it, but that's only because it's very late)
i can't wait to see where this goes...