Reviews for The Cynic's Creed
choc me chapter 5 . 9/15/2008
Ok still on chapter 5 but I'm really liking it. Hey I noticed something. I was telling myself that I think ur story didnt get enough reviews, cause it's really good, then I noticed the dates u posted and updated. 9/30/07 and 10/01/07. U posted the whole thing in 2 days and u got more than 60 reviews! If u had posted it over several weeks or something u would have gotten more reviews...Yeah. Just my thoughts.
choc me chapter 3 . 9/15/2008
I just found ur story! Interesting plot line and good writing! the style sort of reminds me of that of Laurie Halse Anderson in "speak".

Off to read the rest now!
Devin-Jamie chapter 12 . 9/14/2008
Yay! I thought that this chapter might be shorter than the rest, for some reason. A final wrapping up of loose ends. But it's longer. I'm glad.

Okay.

On to reading.

And then I have to do the billion hours of homework I've been putting off by reading this...

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is why there probably won't be very many quotes in this review.

I really like the last three paragraphs of the car wash scene.

And the part where she's angry with whoever's writing this perfect, storybook ending for her.

I can't even explain why I like all this stuff. It's just beautiful, and I do.

Oh, and, by the way, the way that Mick tells her that he's Kaspar- that was awesome.

hahaha. Huck. He's so adorable. :D

And I just realized, JUST NOW, that I'm the same age as the main character.

...whose name I still don't know...

You should write another story and that main character is the author of one of those bathroom-stall lines. How cool would that be? Way. Interweaving stories. I always admired that about Sarah Dessen's work.

And a variation of that line again. A thousand people leading a thousand lives.

I DON'T know what they say about one flap of a butterfly's wings...

Hm. I looked it up, love google, and now I know. Very interesting.

I had my own thrift store lady. But she was probably the complete opposite of Wingnut. My sisters and my dad had stopped by the salvation army for some reason or another, and he wasn't letting us get something that we wanted. Books, I think. Or a hat. I'm not sure. But I remember her, with her paper hands and her kind smile, attempting to sneak it into the bag. She rang everything up as if they weren't there and winked at me and my sisters as we left. It was a simple, tiny little thing that happened probably more than a year ago, but I still remember it.

Like main-character-"Cordelia" said; "People are perceptive. And people are nice."

The part where she's thinking about how these are the best times of her life. Looking back in twenty years and such. In that little excerpt, you can REALLY tell how much she's developed and changed and it's just beyond wonderful and I've used far too many superlatives throughout my reviews to expect you to take them seriously, but I wish that you would. Your writing. This story. That part. It's all terrific. I admire you for it.

Love letter to the whole world? My God, I idolize these fictional characters.

They're inspiring.

And you created them.

You should be so proud.

"The fervent hurricane of my fingerpainted soul." Sounds kind of like a teenage "scene kid" trying to be poetic.

But, simultaneously, it doesn't. It works. It creates a pretty interesting image in my mind.

I don't like that he says "Oh" before saying Cordelia. And I don't love how I NEVER EVER EVER find out her name. This story didn't end the way I'd expected, and that makes it all the better.

BUT, part of me (the younger, spoiled, Veruca Salt-like part of me) started screaming "No! No! No! No!" when it ended, because she/it/me/I didn't want it to end. But it had to. And that was, honestly, a great part to end it on. Open-ended. Some people can think that they pulled away a few seconds later, awkwardly, realizing that they're better off as friends. Crazy people would think that.

I think they're perfect.
Devin-Jamie chapter 11 . 9/14/2008
She has a thing for drummers because she saw Galen play that one time? Oh, Lordy. I wonder if MY thing for drummers is due to watching this guy Aaron play them for the talent show in, like, fifth or sixth grade...Hm.

And Jakob mispronounces her name? Of course he does. I would too- you know, not KNOWING it and all. I'm sure now. That we've never heard it. I've been wondering about that since, like, chapter four or something. Now I know for sure. And I'm kind of dying, not knowing. But you wrote it really well, so that her name wasn't NEEDED. That's great.

My hypothesis? "Kaspar" is going to purse Little Missy Cordelia Hurricane and he's going to find out her name, and, as he does, so will we.

Am I warm?

I hope so.

ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod i'm hyperventalating. breathe, devin, breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe;

"He takes my milkshake off my tray. Pops off the lid. Takes a salt shaker slow motion in his left hand. Turns it upside down over my milkshake. Pours out a pinch of salt. Looks at me and sets the shaker down gently on the table."

That's as far as I read and I had to stop because I was freaking out.

Okay. Reading now.

Deep breath. Go.

I like how, suddenly, it's "Kaspar says suddenly" instead of "Mick says". It's interesting.

kdjhgdklghdkghdf

happy happy happy

can't form complete sentences

love this

AMAZING

Can't wait until you get it published.

You will.

I'll buy it to read the finished copy.
Devin-Jamie chapter 10 . 9/14/2008
Aww; she didn't have mono. I don't know why I would find it funny if she had had mono. It's not a funny thing. The Makeout Disease is serious business. Oh; I'm so immature.

On the plus side, it wasn't cancer. :D

"I know what I will write next to Kaspar."

ah! Suspense!

(Maybe if I keep reading, I won't have to wait in suspense)

Okay, is it just me or have we NEVER learned her name?

Hey! She's near Huck again. I like Huck. He's cute. :]

"My neighborhood is quiet, not because we are a peaceful people, but because we don't want to bother anybody. The quietude makes me want to scream bloody murder out my window, but I don't want to, you know, bother anybody."

HAHAHAH. I SO get that feeling sometimes.

FINGERPAINTING! Best. Thing. Ever.

Stupid Mick. But I understand. I'm glad that you're not making everything work out cliche-perfectly.

Just yet anyway.

Two chapters left?

I think she'll meet her mystery man.
Devin-Jamie chapter 9 . 9/14/2008
"Sometimes I go through my old yearbooks to read all the inside jokes we used to have. Jokes I don't remember anymore. And I feel this ache under my ribcage, like a week-old bruise from someone punching my abdomen. I can never truly go back."

Is your goal to make me cry? Because, if it is, you've almost reached it.

kjhgdhdkg LOVE the last line. Mick :D
Devin-Jamie chapter 8 . 9/13/2008
"I'm just a speck of spacecrap in the galaxy, situated on something that rotates and orbits something else that rotates and orbits and in the end we're all just spinning around and around and around and it's a wonder that I think I'm sitting still here on my bed when really I'm hurtling through the universe at a billion miles a second."

And now I'm dizzy. Thanks.

"And I need someone to tell me that I'm a mess,

Just like you need someone to tell you you're a mess,"

That sounds so much like "I need YOU." Gosh, I'm kind of in love with this boy. Maybe it is Galen. Or maybe it is Mick. I'm thinking more Galen. Maybe. Maybe it's neither. Maybe I have no idea at all.

I like how she's explaining it to Mick, but not telling him everything. The way you wrote it just works. It's cool.

hahah. Brandon makes me giggle. I liked that conversation they had a few chapters ago:

"Why are you even in this conversation?"

"Why not?"

Or something to that extent, yelling across the room. )

"Or maybe it's just residual effects from elementary school, when we would stay inside on rainy days and play Heads Up Seven-Up."

hahah. I love overcast days and I love power outages. And I miss staying inside during "inclimate weather" (Because it can't just be called a rainy day) and playing Heads Up Seven-Up.

Logan's an idiot. In case you were unaware of that most obvious fact.

"I always do this. I make molehills into mountains. Anthills into Appalachians. One word into a slow-motion right hook to the jawbone. I have filled in the space between Mick and me with my own imaginings before there was ever a space."

Oh God. I do that too. I didn't realize it until now. Until that last sentence (which is beautifully written, by the way). Ah!

jkghdkghkgh A certain time, a certain boy, certain thoughts came to mind with that line. It's amazing. Honestly.
Devin-Jamie chapter 7 . 9/13/2008
I like how you write "Kaspar" and "Cordelia" with different poetic styles. I don't know if you do it on purpose, or if it's subconcious, but it works.

"'Oh,' she says, drawing out the short "o" sound so it sounds like she's realized that she's alive. Take your pulse, Brooke. Feel the CO2 coming out of your open mouth. Close those glossy lips, you look and sound like a fish out of water. I am so full of contempt sometimes that I scare myself."

Again with the disliking someone extremely strongly, even though you don't know them.

I always feel so guilty for that, but at least I'm not the only one who does it.

I laughed out loud when she made fun of Nelly's hiccups.

And I heart Juliette for scaring her. lol ]

Hm. He's her TREASURE? Is this foreshadowing? Kaspar means treasureR. Hmm.

hahah. I like the "self" lines.

Wow.

I.

Love.

That.

Freaking.

Poem.

Amazing. Breathtaking. Beautiful. Happy.
Devin-Jamie chapter 5 . 9/13/2008
So I was reviewing this, and then my computer was being stupid and exed it out.

So, now this is my review. No excerpts this time. (I know- you're heartbroken, right? P)

Nice chapter. Galen sounds...well...amazing.

Oh, I love drummers. :D
Devin-Jamie chapter 4 . 9/13/2008
Mousetrap eyes. I adore that. "My eyes won't close. There are springs operating my eyelids, tense coils, like mousetraps." I completely know that feeling, and couldn't have put it better myself.

I'm getting kind of bored reading my own reviews. They all sound repetetive. "Oh, I love that! Oh, I completely relate! Oh, great job!" -_-

Oh well. /

"Someday, I'll find a guy who's mesmerized by every word I say, everything I do, every move I make. I'll find a guy whose eyes grow large when I tuck my hair behind my ear. He'll gasp when I smile. He'll stare when I pretend I don't know he's staring."

That's kind of beautiful.

But every time she gets her hopes up, she crushes them. I think she crushes them herself so that no one else has a chance to.

I like Mick. I have a feeling he's poet boy. I'm also thinking that that's a bit cliche. But, I don't know.

Being a junior in high school and worrying about ending up alone, when you know that you've got your whole life ahead of you. Hm. That doesn't sound familiar at all. [Hi; I'm lying.]

I think I'd like to read this story's original version, just to compare.
Devin-Jamie chapter 3 . 9/13/2008
"Any high schooler is automatically given the right to be angst-ridden and horrible to everyone he or she meets. This concept is called hormones."

YES! I had no idea that I had this right. It's like a get-out-of-jail free card. I think I'm going to be a bitch to an adult JUST so I can respond with that. lmao. )

Why is there a fifth grader at her high school?

"and that he is waiting in my bedroom to slit my trachea and steal my CD collection."

I love that line very much. He doesn't just want to slit her throat, but also wants her CDs. What an odd little murderer stalker poet guy. What an odd little girl with fears like that.

The bit at the end about drama is definately true, too.
Devin-Jamie chapter 2 . 9/13/2008
Okay, so I'm finishing reviewing from the first chapter.

"What if I just scribbled, “Emerson wrote stuff about society. But that was then, and now he's dead. Thousands of other people since then have made far more insightful comments about Emerson’s writing than I ever could. What’s the point? Why waste time and ink and words creating something only you, Mr. Lasteller, will ever read? How about I do something productive, like cross the border thirty minutes south of here and build shelters for the homeless?”

But instead I analyze Emerson's attitude by commenting on his forceful diction, repetitive syntax, and utilization of allegory. At the end of the class period, I skim over the two full pages I've scrawled and realize that I have actually said nothing."

that

and this v

"This is the world we live in. Where women step out from behind a curtain, unable to walk. We accept what the pretty hostess says because she has perfect teeth. Okay, we say. All right."

Those are my two favourite lines. And, even before that last part, I was reading the makeover bit and you just made it all sound so honestly FAKE (oxymoron). But that's a good thing! Like, that is what really goes on on those shows, but no one ever sees it like that. Great job capturing it.

Now, for this chapter;

"What if fingers felt metal, but eyes saw grass and ears heard cellos?" I love the rest of that first paragraph, but I don't really understand that sentence. "What if"? But they DO do those things...?

I love her mind- your mind, really, I guess. It gets a person thinking.

Thirty pieces of crap? They are NOT normal teenage angst. They're cool. They're poetry.

"But I never imagine what I do after this solitary waffle breakfast. No point; it won't happen. Still, I'm restless. Going to school at Cha-Cha is so normal that I could burst into tears at any moment. It's not that I'm perpetually unhappy. It's just that the normality is slowly burning away at my stomach lining and making its way up my throat and filling my lungs and pretty soon it'll fill my eyes too and then I'll be blind.

And then it's just four more senses to go."

Ah, that first paragraph. I completely understand. I LOVE this character. I think everyone and anyone should. She's so easy to relate to- this is what teenagers feel every day, but she puts it all out there so eloquently.

And I like the sentence that follows it, because it refers to something she said earlier and just sounds final and somehow insightful and yeah.

THIN MINTS! Okay. Just had to say SOMETHING about that. They're wonderful. Amazing. Delicious. Extraordinary.

"It's no big deal, really. It's not like the people in the corner are mean to us at school. They might not be our friends, but they're not awful people. Stop exaggerating. Don't be like the snobby artsy-fartsy girls who can't tolerate people who don't wear all black.

But still. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Heather's outfit - a miniskirt with Uggs and one of those lacey tank tops. In February. I can't stand her."

Again, she is SO crazily easy to relate to. With the little things, you really bring out what it's like to be a teenager.

And I love the last line. I can almost feel my chest constricting right along with hers.

)
Devin-Jamie chapter 1 . 9/11/2008
My friend told me about this story during Algebra II Trig today. Because that makes up the majority of what we do during that class- write, read what the other wrote, talk about FP stories, some books, and, of course, gossip a bit. I never liked gossip until her...Anyway, she told me to read this because it reminded her of me. Writing poems in library books and all. )

And now, reviewing the story;

Well...That's a lie. One thing first. I saw that you put this whole story up in two day's time. I think that, review-wise, it'd be better to post it slowly. With at least two days between every chapter. It lets more people happen across it. But, that's just my opinion.

NOW. Really. Chapter-review time.

Oh my. That poem isn't pessimistic at all. I wonder what would happen if I were about five years younger (11) and I just, out of no where, ran into the library where she is, pointed at her and screamed "NEGATIVE NANCY!" all stern-like, and then ran out.

No, I do not have any idea why that image just popped into my brain, but it did.

Possibly because I'm extremely tired and slightly delirious. And, depsite the fact that I write my best in this odd state, I think I'll go to sleep and leave my computer on with this window open so I can finish reviewing in the morning.

Nightnight. )

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!

In one of the first few paragraphs, it says "the only reason the buildings are still standing is that the termites".

I'm pretty sure that's grammatically correct, but I'm NOT completely positive, simultaneously. I think that it shoud be "standing is because the termites."

the "frosted blonde bob" bit reminds me of an episode of Gilmore Girls. LOVE that show :]

"A snowflake caught in a blizzard of other snowflakes who look exactly as I do - an inconsequential frozen conglomeration of everyday molecules."

This line made me laugh. I had to look up conglomeration...but I love it anyway :]

Actually, okay. I'm just going to have to finish reviewing this chapter during my review for the next chapter, because I've got to go to school now.

Au revoir!

Great story so far :]
Haeloed chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
Wow. i loved this story, it captivateed me from the start. it was so well written. i loved the misteriousness of it, the

'who is kaspar and will they get together?'. i love this type of story and i think you did a great job in writing it.

i also want to comment on the ending. one thing i struggle with is endings and i think you ended it perfectly. it wasnt too drawn out and it wasnt too abrupt. i am jelous. :)

keep up the great writing

Haeloed ;P
pinkguppie chapter 12 . 8/1/2008
that was...no is a great story!

I love the story line, how the characters seemed real - they reminded me of people I know. Most of all though I loved how she grows through out the story. How she knows she has bad habits and knows that its hard to stop doing them. She gives people the space to be who they want to be and supports them. You have created the perfect protagonist!

Well done,
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