great story! i really liked it.

other stories that u write, try to elaborate more. it makes whoever's reading it more into it and smooth. but other than that, the story was AMAZING! i LOVED it!

ur an amazing writer!

keep on writin!

OMFG! OMFG! FUDGE, FUDGE, FUDGE! i seriously thought she died. omg, don't scare me like that. i was about to hate this story cause u killed her... phew, she's alive.

i absolutely love this story!

oh, my god... Alex is so sweet... i can't believe he did that for her...

amazing!

WOW... they're very... whats the word? BOLD. and FORWARD.

great story so far. it's really cute!

aw... Ariel's so nice... :)

This story was good. Just one question though. Is it Aerial or Ariel? I notice that you use both spellings throughout the story.

I read all your story and wow, really nice! I liked the note at the end. Meant a lot to me...anyway, really good story!

I was crying it was so sad then it was just a dream in the story. I was upset I didn't want the story to end with her dead! Now I am glad that you decided not to kill her.

You may also wish to develop your character relationships more. Why does he hate his uncle and aunt so much?

So far, this is definitely an interesting premise. Teenage boy's parents died; he lives with the doctor (and his gorgeous daughter) until some family member comes and adopts him.

Your presentation could be better. You use the verbs "shrug" and "nod" too often. See if you can't get that feeling across through the dialog. You may also want to use your verbs to add excitement. Instead of "He was tired all day", use "His body ached" or "He could barely keep his eyes open" or "His heart hurt" to better describe what kind of tired Alex is.

You may also wish to try using more actions instead of dialog. Describe what your character did while he or she spoke. "He shrugged" or "he nodded" is really not enough. For example, in the 'fight' between Xavier and Alex, you have an exchange of dialog, but very few actions. You probably see exactly what they're doing in your head. Are they glaring at each other? Is Alex standing protectively in front of his new friends? Is Xavier's stance haughty? Does Alex wince when Xavier mentions Heather? Are Xavier's eyes wide with shock when he realizes Alex's family had died? How is Alex after his outburst? How are his new friends after his outburst? Your readers need this sort of information just as much as they need the dialog; it makes your story far more entertaining.

Also think about flashbacks for some parts. Flashback may work very well for the part about Heather and Xavier-how did Alex feel when he found out? And if not, how does being reminded of Heather's betrayal affect Alex? Not at all?

But none of that matters unless you have a compelling story line, which you undoubtedly do.

KEEP WRITING! ;)

is there a sequel?

i want one!

This is a really good story. It was kinda confusing with the whole first person thing that it kept going to, but other than that, an awesome story.

aw. I like it. I think the ending was good. its kinda like its a fairy tale with a moral. kinda sorta. FANTABULOUS

Yep! Another good one. I LOVE IT!

Cute ending! I'm so sad that this story has come to an end. *tears* Love the poem at the end, by the way!