Reviews for Jane Doe
AuraBorealis chapter 1 . 10/14/2007
nice work
The boy who loves the girl chapter 1 . 10/4/2007
Long time, no see, Kate. What to say, what to say...Let's start with the dramatic "Wel..."

Not your best work. It lacks depth, and at long sentences "

I remember them doing funny things to me like poking pieces of metal at my skin as if I’d react or take my picture as if I’d smile" WAY too long. And confusing. The reader goes, "WTF?"

When I read "could they not see the childish daisy in my hand" I raised an eyebrow. In that sentence, "childish daisy" just doesn't sound right. It's awkward, and extremly out of place. I felt like you were attempting to make Jane Doe chilish and innocent, but it came across as stupid, and a little repetitive.

Jane Doe is such a flat character. I felt absolutely no emotion and barely any description coming from her. We can see into her mind, but she doesn't express enough like a real person for us to understand her, and for her to be realistic.

If you were to continue this, I'd re-write it. Heavily.


The Boy who loves The Girl.
Creative Colors chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
Oh, wow . I really enjoyed this story of yours. I hope that you'll get more inspiration to make this a novel. It's such a wonderful gripping opening.
Princess Daenerys chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
OMG! Every single sentence made my heart thump faster, and my blood run cold! ASTONISHING! You better have gotten an A on this. I loved the intro. It pulled me in right away. I also love the line, "it my turn." Very Powerful!

I think you should definetly continue this! I agree with Kirk!

Rock on, girl! Love you!
Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
Superb story.

Good luck with writing, life, and this story.

Have a wonderful day. :)

~Twilight Starr~
half-sketched.staccatos chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
konnichi wa

"or take my picture as if I’d smile." - I liked that line. It was kind of... innocent in an odd sort of way.

Creepy... There's really not much more to it than that. Just plain creepy; you handed that in to a teacher? Wow, I'm sure she'd have thought like maybe you should see a pyschiatrist, LoL! Nah, just kidding. I liked this! It was so different from the usual, boring jock dating cheerleader story. *gag* Sorry if you've written one of those, but I just can't stand them.


novocainebandit chapter 1 . 10/3/2007
That was short, but interesting. When you get the chance, I'd love to read more. I'd like to know how she kills him. hehe.