Reviews for A Merchant's Whim
sohryugirl chapter 1 . 5/3/2012
more please...i hope you can write a sequel, this is so nice...noticed your fascination for dark haired girls too...
BoarderKC chapter 1 . 6/14/2011
This is an interesting start to a story. Or possibly a very intriging little short piece. I'm going to guess short piece, since you posted this in 2007.

I think what you have established is over all a very interesting premise, with a lot of different things going on all at once. The fantasy element of the pendent and the council, the brothel idea and then of course the eventual f/f story. While every part is very interesting, I can't help but think, in this short of space, too much is going on at once.

The fantasy part really caught my attention. Meyren's intentions and the intrigue of who Migiratik was made me want to keep reading, however at the same time, you glossed over it so quickly.

Then with Celeise character, I feel like she was treated with simple convience. When you wanted her out of the scene, she slept. When Meyren wanted it, it was a simple whim with no obvious reasoning behind it. I think developing some necessity to Celeise character early on would make me as the reader want to know more about it. As it stands when it comes to the final scene and the f/f moment, I didn't really care becuase I wanted to get back to the fantasy elemnts. Give Celeise more of a presence and give the kiss more build up and I think it will be really good.
The Crazy Cat Lady chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
That was quite a twisting story. The end was very sweet.
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 12/6/2009
I've been reading some of your work for a while ("Strangers Together", actually), and then I read your profile...

I'm surprised that you claim to not be a good writer. From what I've read, you have a talent for storytelling and characterzation (in my personal opinion, that is.) I just finished reading this story and I'm even more impressed. I'll admit that I'm not into stories about brothels and such, but this has an interesting twist. Meyren is a likeable character and your sentence structure flows well. The only thing is minor grammar. I noticed that after most dialogue lines, there is a period. When it is followed by an action (he/she turned, smiled, laughed, etc.), then it's correct. If it's followed by a dialogue tag (replied, said, asked, exclaimed, etc.), then it should be a comma instead.

But overall, I enjoyed this. The themes and issues handled in this story wasn't overdone and I'm sad that this is only a short story. If you ever figure out the plot holes, then I look forward to the expanded version when you're able to. But if not, then it's all right. :-)

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{“Of course my lady.} A comma before "my lady."

{A number of girls sat or stood around the room, some scarcely more than children, none seemingly older that thirty.} "that" should be "than."

{He treats them well enough, which is better than can be said for most whorehouses. She thought.} There should be a comma after "whorehouses", and "She" should be lowercased.

{“And I would not take her virginity. I am a woman after all. Think of it as some extra gold before your big payoff.”} A comma after "woman."

{“My lady it is not…”} A comma after "lady."

{“Very well my lady.”} A comma after "well."

{A shape began to take form in the centre of the circle, firstly merely a purple glow, but soon it began to develop.} I'm not sure about "firstly." Is that correct?

{“You don’t belong here Celeise.”} A comma after "here."

{“He’ll get over it Tonnuke. This is my last offer.”} A comma after "it."

{Meyren took the girl’s hand and lead her past Tonnuke into the tavern.} led.

{“Get a good nights sleep, and tomorrow you can think of what you wish to do.”} night's.

{“But I am girl, and so are you.”} Unless it's intentional, "a" should be before "girl."
Wolf-of-Five-Elements chapter 1 . 7/2/2009
Ah, great story! Good job. Shame it's a oneshot though...
Lamentable One chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
Thanks for the review, always appreciate constructive criticism (I'll try and repay the favour when I find the time.)

Semi-reply to some of the points raised, I am aware of the...issues I sometimes have with punctuation. I tend to drop semi-colons around a little liberally, and sometimes my comma and fullstop usage doesn't lead to the most readable of prose. 'Artefact' I will contest though, as a Brit, since that is the spelling that is most prevalent here.

As for the story, I have been musing on a continuation. The stuff I have done thus far has been Meyren / Celeise centric, but recently I've been considering another oneshot focusing on Migiratik.

Also, Summer's Pendant refers to the season, and is unrelated to the Council (which Meyren may only be invoking for effect anyway...)
Therese Delacoeur chapter 1 . 10/11/2007
This is a nice story with a unique twist on the brothel idea. Now that I think about it, there really isn't a better place for a secret meeting, both strategic and...romantic occasions. It makes perfect sense, actually...

A few things I noticed - there was a semicolon floating around that (I think) should've been a plain colon, "artefact" should be "artifact," a few apostrophes, comma versus period placement in dialogue were a little off sometimes, and commas in general in a couple of sections wouldn't have been amiss. Other than that, it was really well written.

Interesting, that she's a part (or has connections) to the Council of the Winter Night and she's searching for Summer's Pendant. Is (or was) Summer a person, or is it a personification of the season? It sounds like this area is rife with war. I wonder if that's the reason Meyren's looking for the Pendant, or if it's just for financial gain.

I'd encourage you to expand this, though I'd keep this oneshot a oneshot and just start a new story based on this. I can't wait to read more about Meyren and Celeise! (And even Migiratik. But for some reason, he smells like a traitorous snake...)