Hey I just found your aroty and I like it alot but the girl is pissing me off. She is just so damn immature. Sheesh. Why can't she just grow up. But besides her personality flaw I really do love the book.

OMG! I love it! This story is great! Absolutely amazing!

Cool

Great Story... Theres some Mistakes such as Staring... which you write as starring... But besides that its Really good! Im going to see if you have the 2nd book out yet

I just wanted to let you know, I totally get what she's/you're saying about the dishwasher. I have to do that too even though we have an dishwasher with a freaking food disposer thing IN it. Illogical to the max. Great start by the way! lol

Hey. I saw on your profile you’re after constructive criticism so I hope this helps. Feel free to ignore anything and everything I mention.

~ Whilst the prologue is interesting I feel like it could be snappier. There’s a lot of comma’s and overly long sentences that could be shortened and extraneous words that could be cut, e.g. ‘I was lost, trapped behind the prison of my eyes, locked in the barrier known as my skin, and no matter how much I wanted it, there was no exit’ which I might rewrite as something like ‘I was lost; trapped behind the prison of my eyes, locked in the barrier of my skin. No matter how much I wanted it, there was no exit.’

~ ‘when my mother remarried to a man named Allen.’ – Do you mean her mother married her ex-husband or someone new? If it’s a remarriage lose the ‘to a man named Allen’ and change it to just ‘when my mother remarried Allen’ – Ana would already be familiar with him and the reader will learn more about him later. If it’s a new marriage write it as ‘when my mother married a man named Allen.’

~ ‘laid back, cool, and not mention he could cook the hell out of some food’ – ‘laid back, cool and he could cook the hell out of any food.’

~ ‘The only problem though: he lived in Minnesota while I, with my mom, lived in Wisconsin, so of course I wasn't happy about my mom moving in with him.’ – I think this sentence is too long and too wordy. Try something like, ‘Only he lived in Minnesota while my mom and I lived in Wisconsin. I still don’t see why we were the ones that had to move.’

~ ‘Though the part about moving to another state was the least of my problems, the other reason I didn't like it was the fact that I had to change schools, meet new friends, and Allen had two other kids. West was eldest and my senior by a year, he failed a grade, while the youngest was Abbie who was merely fifteen, which suddenly made me the middle child, and I knew I wouldn't like being a middle child.’ – This seems to read like facts to me, where’s Ana’s personality? Perhaps something like, ‘Moving to another state was the least of my problems. Saying the goodbyes to my friends and realising I had to start all over again at another school made it all the worse. Not to mention Allen had two other kids. I spend my entire life as an only child and suddenly I’m going to be the middle kid. Aren’t they supposed to be the forgotten ones?’ Also, you’re introducing a lot of characters at once when they could wait till they actually come into the story.

~ ‘"But it's not like you haven't already met them."’ – Is her mother psychic? How does she know Ana was thinking about Allen’s children?

~ ‘She looked over and smiled at me; her youth still showed but subtle signs pointed out that she was forty-three.’ – Show don’t tell.

~ ‘I made sure to put some emphasis to show how I felt.’ – Yeah I can see that. You don’t need to point it out.

~ ‘My mother just kind of shook her head at me.’ – ‘My mother shook her head.’

~ ‘Allen has a much larger house which can easily accommodate us all."’ – The dialogue feels unnatural.

~ ‘My mom tossed me a weird eye.’ - ?

~ ‘two story house but the difference was that it was wider than most.’ – ‘two storey house though wider than most.’

~ ‘I kind of glared at the sight of it, and its occupants piling out when they realized we arrived.’ – The two halves of this sentence aren’t connected so split them in two. Also you don’t ‘kind of glare’, you either glare or you don’t. Keep it snappy.

~ ‘My mother quietly called’ – I think the adverb confuses this sentence.

~ ‘His smile grew wider’ – Him who? West or Allen?

~ ‘I said, my voice gone to a low monotone octave.’ – ‘I muttered’?

~ ‘and let me tell you,’ – Addressing the reader draws them out of the story. Not a good idea.

~ ‘but much more pale than I am’ – ‘but paler than I am’.

~ ‘She didn't want Allen to do it. No, Ana had to do it. Ana would loove to do it...ugh.’ – I like the sarcasm in this. It shows Ana’s anger and annoyance without being told, i.e. showing not telling.

~ ‘I was restless.’ – Cut this out. The following sentence shows her restlessness making this redundant.

~ ‘and still unknown.’ – How unknown? You’ve just provided reasons for her insomnia so they are known.

~ ‘Something was going on in my head to keep my eyes awake.’ – Yeah I get it; she can’t sleep.

~ ‘and in my drowsy state I never noticed the light tapping at my bedroom window, nor did I care to notice.’ – If she never noticed it why is she commenting on it?

So my thoughts; the prologue is good but the chapter needs work. The first chapter is very passive and the action is lacking next to the exposition. There are a lot of ‘blah’ words like ‘almost’ and ‘kind of’ which make the story lose its focus and strength. Writing ‘He kind of glanced up at me’ does not have the same impact as ‘He glanced up at me’.

The main problem for me though is telling and not showing. The reader is told Ana is moving to a new home with a new family, we are told she doesn’t like this, we are told about Ana and her mother’s disagreement and we are told what she and her new siblings look like. There is very little showing. Whilst the prologue hooked me the first chapter lost and bored me. Ana is obviously a strong, determined and angry individual but hardly any of this comes through in her narrative. Only near the end do you show some of this through her sarcasm. I like Ana but she should be a stronger presence in this chapter; after all this is her story.

Also most of the sentences are too long with too much packed into them. Read over the sentences and see if they flow. Do the same with the dialogue but read that aloud. See if it sounds natural and carries like a real conversation.

Get a beta reader and focus on creating an active story that Ana is experiencing now, not one she is reciting for her English class.

I hope this was helpful.

~Marie Silver~

It's probably an alright story but I just don't really want to read any more since your main character is just a bratty, spoiled little girl who thinks she's better than she is. There are no real redeeming features and it's not fun or interesting to read

I absolutely loved the story and am going to read the sequel. Um, for one thing, I thought that the telepathy thing was only between Christiana and Ana, unless that was part of Ana's powers. And mindreading is technically a part of telepathy. And FYI, you keep on spelling "you're" as "your". And I don't like Nathan.

i Love this story:)

I read this story and loved it a while ago but I just started a new C2. It's for Young Adult fantasy and I want to add this story to it because it's one of my favorites-and one of the first stories I read on here! Is that okay?

omg! that was so sad and i was reading it while i ws going to an away game for volleyball and i like jumped up when abbie took christian away. it was super said and i ALMOST cried. when are you going to add the second book?

i think that the part when she first goes to the hospital is very cute. also very romantic. i dont know what will happen with the whole damali vision thing but i am slightly confused as to why christian would even consider going back to her. i mean, he loves ana and i know he used to love damali but he said that she is dead to him and so i dont really get it. but reeally great job.

OMG! i am so happy that it finally happened! i was so anxious for it, as was probably your goal all along and as i told you last review. there better be fight scene at the end. it has been leading up to it and i want it but if it is sad ill be mad. hey, that rhymed!lol. jk.

this chapter i think lost the picture i had painted og ana. it didnt seem much like her so yeah.

why don't they fricken kiss already? i am so anxious for that to happen that i jumped up in the middle of my class and everybody staredat me when they didnt kiss before the end og this chapter! i am going to go insane and i dont think you will like me when insane.(it is not pretty!) i am so into this book now it isnt even funny!