Reviews for Electric Blue
Cheeese chapter 2 . 6/7/2008
B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 5/29/2008
OK. I just figured out that the last "I" in the prior chapter was Curtis and so now I see that you were consistent with paragraph one and the last paragraph of the last chapter. It was the "she" that threw me. I was expecting the "I" to just flip between two characters, not three.

Back on track I can now see how this works. It's a bit like a role play with the consistently changing perspectives. As fiction goes that's a bit unusual, but I RP from time to time, so now that I have that frame I'm a bit more comfortable.

Characters: I liked the portrayal of Michael. You use some good body language to emphasize the character. The female lead seems disengaged, and I was expecting more conflict given the strong personality presented before. Maybe it's the "shock" you mention, but she just seemed a bit flat somehow, whimpering rather than showing much resistence.

Plot: They just drive off. Hum, I expected more from the police from a credibility standpoint. Are they being followed? It will be interesting to see if you use dialogue (and how) if you continue.

Interesting read.
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 5/29/2008
Welcome to the random world of BJ reviews. :) I picked this one because I need to right an action sequence and I'm looking for inspiration. This hit the mark.

I liked the stage setting opening and that you offered just enough and didn’t call it out as a fancy prologue. From a transition point you do have the line for demarcation, but perhaps a “let me start at the beginning” would help for the second paragraph.

Flow: Overall I noticed that your style occasionally uses repetitive in sentence structure. That first paragraph that I happened to like, for example, a majority of the sentences repeat word starts. It, it…I,I…Maybe, Maybe. This pattern continues in sort of a Martin Luther King speech style throughout. While it’s effective occasionally, be careful of overuse. I found myself wanting to combine the sentences and simplify.

Dialogue internal thoughts vs. external: You did use some slang. I think you might find that you can high-grade the text bit. It’s very informal in some places and I think that detracts. Let me try to clarify - I think the casual tone works in the dialogue. You’ve captured the age of the characters and the friendship with the use fragments and phrasing. But I hope it’s not contradictory to say that I’d value it more in JUST dialogue, vs the very casual presentation of the balance of the text.

Example: Graduation day was like that. It was over. High school was over. Man. I’m pretty sure that I’d miss everyone. A lot. {as a reader I’m not sure I needed the internal musings. You make this point with dialogue later and the one and two word sentences chop things up}

Example: I shrugged sheepishly. Me ‘n’ Curtis go way back. {why not just say, Curtis and I…? It’s more formal, yes, but it’s what a reader expects to see. To keep things so simple might be insulting to their intelligence? Just a thought. It’s a style thing I suppose, but it loses impact when you use it everywhere.}

Example: And because of my obvious lack of money and parents, I was labeled the stinky slut. I didn’t let it bother me cuz hey, it was just high school and half those kids would be coming to me for couples therapy or family therapy or just therapy in general cuz they’d be freaking out about their sucky lives. {My recommendation - use “because”. You get what you need with the sucky, and freaking out…the “cuz” just seems like poor grammer.}

Characters: I can visually see the supporting cast. Curtis in particular is well fleshed out. It took awhile for me to be sure your lead character was female. It’s one of the tough things about first person. However, I again was able to formulate a clear picture due to your descriptions. I appreciate that your vision transmitted clearly so I didn’t have to fill in the blanks.

Plot: It’s a story with a bit of a cliff hanger. I like that you’ve taken it to a non-cliché level.

One other point on flow – even though you had the line to break separate/transition to grad night – I completely lost the other use of “I”. You might want to consider a chapter break instead of using the same pronoun. Maybe this is just better held until the next chapter? In fact I was surprised that the “Goodbye Brenden” was uttered by someone other than who I expected from the first paragraph. This is an interesting technique, the transition of POV, but I wasn’t prepared for it. Maybe there’s a cleaner way to execute? Don’t know.

Random notes:

We arrived the auditorium and the kids were already lined up for their gowns and caps. I hope I didn’t get some strange smelling one. But you never know. {tense past/present}

The kids were already separating into cliques. I sighed, feeling a bit left out until Curtis grabbed my hand and pulled he towards his boyfriend of two years. {me, not he}

Curtis stuck the crook of his arm out to me and I took it. He stuck his other arm out for Allen, which he looped his arm through with great gallantry and we skipped into the building where we got our gowns (free of strange stenches and suspicious looking stains, thank god.) Graduation was a teary affair. With the whoops of congratulations (Curtis, Allen, and I) cheered as loudly as we could for eachother. Which earned us weird looks from the other people. Which we ignored. Which would probably earn a bashing for Curtis and Allen. And snide, biting remarks from the girls. Those consequences we ignored because, frankly put, we didn’t give a damn. {I’d break this into a new paragraph at “Graduation”, typo with the “eachother”}

Graduation was over and I would spend the rest of the day with Curtis and Allen. Until the grad party. {Why is this sentence here? It just sort of hints to the reader, but I think you’d be better without it}
Perfectly Paradox chapter 2 . 5/9/2008
This part "It’s easy to cry. It’s easy to hate. It’s easy to fear. But it’s hard to understand. It’s hard to forgive. It’s hard to see. But usually I tried to understand. To forgive. To see. But now, I wasn’t doing any of the three. I was crying. And for the first time, I hated. I hated the ease that he pulled the trigger with." seemed a bit abrupt/out of the blue characterization. ONLY because you've emphasized so much how calm and understanding she is about it all. Maybe you could lead more into the change on her perspective or expand more on what changed that sadness and tranquility into hatred. I realize it was him shooting the jock or whatever, but I think you could lead into it better. Just a thought. Other than that though, it was AWESOME! :D
Perfectly Paradox chapter 1 . 5/9/2008
Wow. You are really good at painting a picture for the reader. I like how detailed you are. The characterizations in this are really good. In the first paragraph, I think I would like it more if you put a period after "Intense," just to make it more so. Then start in with the "maybes," which are emphasized by beginning each sentence with the word "maybe."

In this part, "Sure the people who teased the losers had names but the losers started turning into the faceless crowd that just watched while everyone else was pushed around." are you just talking about people who stand by and watch, who are neither losers nor the teasers? This part confused me. Maybe you could clarify it a little better because I didn't think that the losers were necessarily the ones to become the faceless crowd, because they're the ones being spotlighted or picked on, but rather those who do nothing become a part of the faceless crowd.

Really well done overall.
dontneedyou chapter 2 . 4/17/2008
It's very good. The excitement of it makes me want to read more! Update soon, kay?
into the black chapter 2 . 12/15/2007
Angsty. I like it.
miscellanea chapter 1 . 11/3/2007
I like the's very good - draws people in. Your stories are getting better and better and better. Please just post that Story of Change and Who it May Concern (or whatever the title was) on again as well as Mother Mary. This is gonna be your one and official fictionpress account, right? Just pile it all on here. ok?
chimerica chapter 2 . 10/17/2007
Wow...just, wow.

Curtis...oh my god.

Really good story, gets you thinking...although really sad...

Anyways, thanks for updating so quickly, it's nice to have an outlet after lots of homework and schoolwork.

Please update soon.
kurstinhartsyou chapter 2 . 10/17/2007

I think that's really the only word to desribe how good of a story this is.

It's absolutely amazing.

Really, it is.

I can't wait for another update.

chimerica chapter 1 . 10/15/2007

Freaking out here, what's going on?

Why is Allen dead? He's not really dead right? He's just shot, right?

Why is Brendan about to kill Lana?

Why is there two guys with guns at Graduation Night?


I'm so mad! You left off on a cliffy!

Well, in this very short amount of time you've got me interested, excited, happy, sad, and

Please update soon!

-New Super Duper Fan