|Reviews for Justification|
| Fallenangle19 chapter 1 . 2/21/2008
I love it! Darker than Darker can be, well writen...All around lovely good job!
| the color of memories chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
I've never been much for vampires (which I assume is what Isabella is), because they tend to bore me. Chapter One captivated me. It was fairly intriguing, a lot more text then I am used to (but don't mind me with my mushy romance novels)
Chapter Two's descriptions of the fire and how it licked at her hand kind of bored me, but it was only one paragraph and I could live with it. That's just me, of course. If someone is going to be touched with fire, I would like them to burn a bloody death. But obviously she couldn't. So, understanding that as I am trying to do, it was a good chapter.
I have to wonder why it is that she cares if they hate her. I know no one likes to be hated, but it would seem she would try to make herself more likable if she didn't want to be hated? Just my opinion. I hope your future chapters prove me wrong on this point.
Chapter Three stunned me. It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. However, I am a little bit curious about the whole eviction deal. I'm fairly certain (correct me if I'm wrong) that, upon being evicted, you get a certain number of days left in your house. Of course, being as everything in the estate had to be sold... but it wouldn't surprise me if it was customary to have them be awarded at least a few personnel items. Keepsakes that mean nothing, perhaps. You never truly know, though, and I expect you did your research, where as I, on the other hand, did none.
It does come to mind, however, that a certain amount of money did not mean the same in the Victorian (this is Victorian, I would guess?) as it would in modern day, so seven dollars would actually last quite some way. I know that when my Mom was growing up, you could get books for ten cents and that has now stretched to a price of fifteen to twenty dollars for the same thing. I would imagine money was worth even more back in the day. Seven dollars might stretch a lot further back then then it would now. Just a suggestion.
Quote: “Are you going to mommy trouble?” She giggled, melting Claudin’s heart.
All right, so that's not much, but for Chapter Four, I saw this error. I'm not perfect, so I know sometimes it's hard to get them all. Point is, you forgot the give. But it's a mistake that anyone can make. I promise.
I am surprised (especially if they were so desperate to have her properly cared for) that they didn't consider an orphanage. I point this out because just because she wouldn't have the wealth/power that her father and mother apparently had before they fell from the graces, she would be fed and properly clothed, she would have a room to sleep in, and she would have children to play with. Plus, no one has to know who the baby belongs to when you put it in an orphanage, especially if you just leave it there. Even if they dismissed the idea (because I know that orphanages in those days weren't the best places in the world), the least they could do was consider it. I thought I should point out that fact.
All right. So, if they live in the ally way, presumably unable to buy anything but food with what little money they got, would you mind enlightening me as to how they got a blanket or clothes for Isabella? I refer to "the small bundle in Elizabeth's arms", which leads me to believe Isabella was in a blanket. If she had clothes on (which we all presume she did), how did they get the clothes?
All in all, the chapters are good and sturdy, with lots of good descriptions. It was captivating and interesting and I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Scorpius Malfoy chapter 1 . 11/8/2007
The first sentence didn't do anything to hook me. Also, if she's lurking in the darkness (which leads me to believe it's night), isn't it sort of redundant to mention that she's 'hidden by shadows'. If it's night, then the only shadows would be cast by moonlight or streetlamps- which brings me to my next point.
You need to introduce the setting earlier on. Since there was no setting for me to go off of, I immediately placed it in some dirty alley- then you jump into saying it's a room (with not a whole lot of other description accompanying it), and there are many kinds of rooms in the world. I'd somehow weave a few elements of the room into the text to give readers a better idea of what they should be seeing in their heads. Also, you can do a lot with setting to add to the mood.
Isabella seems pretty one dimensional at this point. She just reeks of typical baddie, especially at the "she just liked to watch them wallow in despair" line. Puh-leez.
You have adverb overkill in parts. Really, "Harshly, she snarled" does nothing. Snarling is harsh to begin with. You don't need to modify it. "She advanced menacingly" sounds awkward, too.
Wait... how does crime not exist with her in power, unless she can read peoples' minds and knows when someone's about to murder or hurt someone? If she hates humans so much, wouldn't she want those people loose in the world anyway? Or are ALL humans her slaves? Either way, it's not clear to me.
| waldoinred chapter 1 . 11/8/2007
It was pretty good, I would of taken somethings out. Like you use way to many commas. But all in all, it was pretty good.
| Erick100 chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
Good story but you write way too much together. You got to seperate between paragraphs, most importantly dialogue. Im not saying it sucks but if you were to seperate it more than itd be more cool!
| sdffds chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
Good, good, good, kinda confused, but yah, still think that this is pretty intersting