Reviews for The Kingmaker
Disturbly chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
Hello, then. It's taken me a while to work through my backlog, but I finally got around to your story. Overall, I thought it was executed well. Your spelling and grammar are flawless, and you display a great vocabulary. Your pacing is great, your tone is consistent throughout, and you hint at enough aspects of the world you're building to pique the reader's interest.

If there's anything you could do in the way of improvement, you could possibly liven up the prose a bit. Your syntax, by and large, seems to be fairly direct, a lot of subject-predicate-action. As a noted fan of the semi-colon, I for one think you could vary it up just a bit. Also, you might engage the reader more if you threw in some sensory cues. For instance, where you mentioned the smell of magic bothering Clydus, you had a great opportunity to include a sensory detail if you had described just what the odor smelled like. Your writing is basically great, and the only areas to expand upon are just little things like that, but little things can make a hell of a lot of difference in the final product. Ever price two guitars, identical, save for the plating on the hardware? If so, you know what I mean.

So, yeah. That's about all. I know I didn't comment on much, but the chapter was fairly short... Customarily I'd assure you that I'd get back with more impressions after I continued reading, but, as previously mentioned, I'm not devoting as much attention to fictionpress as I used to, and I really don't like making false promises. So I'll just say that I hoped I managed to be of service, and keep it up.
Anehalia chapter 2 . 11/17/2007
Good story. Make sure your reader knows who is speakingf though by changing paragraphs for each person. How does the prolouge tie in?
Barbados chapter 2 . 10/29/2007
Ok, I really hate to say this, but it doesn't even seem like the same person wrote both the prologue and chapter 1. The prologue was pretty well written, and flowed well (except for like one part.) Not so with chapter 1. I really dig the setting: the feel of this old skeleton of a city, the monks, the religion. Unfortunately, I was left confused about what was going on some of the time, usually the fault of a too long sentence that could benefit from being broken up a bit. I alost noticed more than a couple punctuation erros that were consistent, not single mistakes. Commas instead of periods, and periods instead of commas. The most notable is with quotes. After the last word in a between quotation marks, it should be a comma. The part thereafter is a portion of the same sentence, and the first word is not capitalized. "So it should be like this," he said. On a more positive note, you have some really beautiful imagery that I'm quite jealous of. Most of the problems I noticed could be fixed with some editing. Read your work carefully before you post it, and if you can, read it out loud. The plot so far is intriguingm, and I'm interested in where it goes, so don't give up on it and please, don't feel discouraged.
Barbados chapter 1 . 10/25/2007
Writing first: You write pretty well, and I enjoy your style. I did notice some places where the uses of commas should have either been added, or removed to make one sentence into a two, or more. You did a great job of mitigating descriptions, without going on a two or three paragraph tangent about something mostly irellevant, so that's good news. Good job, all in all. I am a little bit confused though. I'm trying to imagine the setting, and you keep saying a courtyard, but that's an enclosed place - which means it's usually inside a building, although outdoors, yes. But it wouldn't be the castle's main gate in that event. I was also confused about the part where he is warrping a man's arm. They are already under attack? Why is this man injured, if not? The line just sort of feels out of place to me. On the other hand, I really dig that magic has a stinky smell. That was unexpected and a neat twist. Props. All in all though a good show, and I look forward to an update.
whonow chapter 1 . 10/24/2007
Hey there, I'm Catfish. I'll be reviewing as I read along aloud, so don't mind the stream-of-consciousness approach I'm going to take. C:

Ah, here's something. :3 I didn't know this myself until I was corrected, actually, but when referring to a male's hair colour, the 'e' is emitted from 'blonde'. In similar fashion, 'brunette' loses its last 'te'. It's not a big deal that you missed it, as most people do, but knowing's always a good thing. C:

I'll take this moment to say I like how sparse you are with description. It's easy to overdo the visuals and lose the reader in adjectives. G'job evading that pitfall. Now, where was I...

Ah, right. Semicolons. You sure use a lot of them. C; Nothing wrong with that, o' course, but they become a little jarring when they pop up so often. I like to think of them as 'fancy punctuation' to be reserved for lines of particular worth. I've got no grammar rules to back me up here, but in my experience, semicolons draw the reader's attention, if only for the fact they're not often seen. For effect, I'd space 'em out a bit more.

You've got some strong similes in here. I like that. Just don't forget that sometimes you're better of 'saying it straight.' Shorter, more concise sentences instil a feeling of urgency. Keep that in mind when writing high-tension scenes. C:

Altogether pretty schweet stuff. If I wasn't in nit-pick mode, I probably wouldn't have had anything to say. Hehe. Keep up the good work, my man.

-Inkstained Fins
Lady Glass chapter 1 . 10/20/2007
Interesting start. It's not my "usual" kind of read - though I've said that before and have proved myself very wrong - but I like how you write and I do want to read more. I'll be back, you can be sure of it. ;)
Statute chapter 1 . 10/19/2007
Hey I like this, I've read many stories on Fictionpress that dont seem to be thought out, or seem to have been written by those without any ability to write whatsoever((hell im one of them)), I cant really pick you up on anything apart from the sentence where he looks through the gate and sees them is quite long, you might want to break it up with some commas but that's it really. Nice job, hope you update soon. I feel kinda sad and lame asking this but can you review my story lol
dreamshell chapter 1 . 10/19/2007
Intriguing setup. Definitely leaves the reader wanting more. Very nice writing style, also. Informative, but not without a personal touch. I like how you seem to be portraying magic, too.

-dreamshell-