|Reviews for Where with others I've failed|
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 11/11/2007
i wanted to review the first chapter again (because you changed it!), but i couldn't... so i'm doing it anonymously... XD
this is so much better than the previous first chapter... you've done wonders with it. :) you've got better descriptions of your characters and it makes a lot more sense than the last one.
the story is, once again, well written - spelling and grammar is all there (or, at least, i didn't catch anything.).
i like this beginning - it makes me want to read more. it's kind of creepy (ghost, scary eyeless man) but it makes the mystery better. :)
overall, it's really sad what with the dead kid and an alcoholic father - i wonder where you'll go from here. good job so far!
| Halfbloodlycan chapter 1 . 11/8/2007
This chapter raises so many questions. Hmm, I like how it starts off with a dream.
Just one minor thing I noticed:
John didn’t speak, his thin lips formed (an) even thinner line as he pressed them together.
I look forward to reading more later.
| diesoz chapter 1 . 11/8/2007
This story really didn't grab my attention at all. It tried to be dark and twinged with angst, but just came off overdone and staccatoed. Everything the man did seemed to be a different event instead of a series of things that formed a ritual. Which is what I think it was supposed to be. Also, the very beginning was confusing with the numerous hes, defnitely make that clearer. I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I felt absolutely no sympathy for any of the characters. Sorry, for the lack of positivity, but I hope this helps!
| idontwannapopuponsearchengines chapter 2 . 10/29/2007
LOL Johnny Bravo. The way you describe everything here is so poetic...it's almost...shall I say beautiful? His nightmares about the accident and everything-I wonder how he'll resolve it, if he does. I have a feeling this is gonna be one of those studies of the human psyche kind of things-it'd be interesting if it did turn out like that.
| Thracian chapter 1 . 10/21/2007
This is a pretty dramatic first chapter. If I were you I'd change things a bit dialogue-wise. You say "_ said" way too much it gets kind of dry. I'd also re-word the final sentence as well, it sounds odd, I know what you mean in it but yeah. There also wasn't much character development going on so it's kind of hard to feel for them as a reader, but I'm sure that won't be the case hopefully in the next chapter. Anyway, this is pretty good so keep it up.
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 10/20/2007
you've got pretty good basics - spelling, grammar, etc is all fine. :)
is this meant to be a one-shot? if so, it seems quite incomplete - it needs something else. it's rather bare alone - an all around weird ending. but if it's not a one-shot, i'd like to see where you go with it. :)
generally, the descriptions are rather bland - it's missing something. (maybe colors... or something) some descriptions are a little awkward:
"slammed into his window with a loud clank" - when i think of clank, i think of a small noise, which i doubt this was.
it's a strange story... i wonder why you started it with a picture of a whale? and where are you going with it? anyway, good job so far.