|Reviews for In Your Dreams|
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 25 . 5/2/2009
Whoa... I'm now wondering where the three are and how they got out Suzu and Griffin got out of the building... Good Read!
The dream-ish scene got me the most here. I loved the feel of it. It felt as if I was watching a movie.
I truly enjoyed reading these 5 chapters. I like how smoothly your story flowed and how deep you pull your readers. I hope you do get this published into something. It's very well planned and thought out.
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 24 . 5/2/2009
First and foremost:
“Looks like they could do with some interior decorating,” Genevieve whispered.
Funny one liner.
I Ilke these scene breaks. I seem to have grown accustomed to them.
I have no idea what's going on, but hopefully there will be an answer in the next chapter...
I must pat your back for the way you handle 2 guys in a room. Most writers find it difficult to not sound redundant when there are two or more males in the same area. Most writers have difficulty distinguishing who is saying or doing what (because they often use pronouns.) Though I could sense the redundancy, It really wasn't annoying at all, and I feel like you did a great job on making it seem natural.
Perhaps the machine is named the D. E. Detector so the Dream Eaters wouldn't know directly what the machine was used for... *coughs sarcastically*... Maybe not...
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 23 . 5/2/2009
You are a brilliant writer. I love the last two paragraphs of this chapter. It's so mysterious and captivating. If for nothing else, that's why I liked this chapter...
There was also a funny moment that I ROFLMAO at:
“No, no. Like, he’s just fine. He just hasn’t eaten all day. He gets like that, you see… He just sometimes forgets to eat all day and ends up passing out like that."
You had me crackin up with that. He really does remind me of Kuawabara and he's funny. I love the fact that you give each of your characters a certain way to talk. They all have their own dialect. Good read!
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 22 . 5/2/2009
This was a nice chapter. I found one small spelling error. (tinny) I think it was supposed to be tiny. No worries, it didn't take away from anything at all.
I liked this chapter, because Griffin is a lot like Kuwabara from Yu Yu Hakusho to me. It brought back old memories of the jerk that was somewhat a good- guy too lol.
I kinda dislike the way there was so much "pulling and pushing" in chapter 21 and this chapter. It seemed a little redundant to me, but the story itself is good. This Emperor seems rather interesting. I think I figured something out though... I know who one of the Dream Eaters are, but as instantly as I wrote this sentence, I forgot who I suspected of it... CRAP Oh nvm... I know who I think one is now. lolz. You do a good job of hiding it, but you also make it quite obvious. hopefully I am wrong with my assumption without you forcing your story to make this character not a Dream Eater... It's interesting how this will turn out now that I know who it is...
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 21 . 5/2/2009
Very interesting story here (I'm from the review game and I sorta skipped 20 freakin chapters lolz). This chapter is pretty interesting. It's almost like a slight recap of what's been going on. This story really has an anime-type feel to it. I really like it because of the feeling I get.
I truly enjoy this so far, It has a creepy mysterious feeling to it that I love, since I'm a mystery writer.
I also like this, because ur grammar and spelling is flawless, your format makes the story flow easily, and the fact that your story is already pretty famous lol. Good read. MOVING ON!
| N. J. Collins chapter 11 . 4/30/2009
I suppose I mentioned this already, but again I'll say it. The thing about the cube was an infodump. Please scatter, and kindly show what it does, don't tell.
| N. J. Collins chapter 10 . 4/30/2009
It was a bit full of infodumps, if you know what I mean, but not too boring. You might want to scatter the information around though, so that it won't all gather in one huge chapter.
| MacKitty chapter 1 . 2/24/2009
...i love channing :)i don't know if it's just me, but it seems to be moving pretty slowly.
| ToonMasta chapter 23 . 2/19/2009
I knew there was something about Channing! All that stuff at the end is so mysterious...
I also really like the way you portray Griffin's character in this chapter. It seems like you're building up to him breaking away from Hollister's group and possibly joining the Hunters? Or just doing his own thing... In any case, his character is great.
The one thing I wanted to know is... how did he know the clerk in the girly store's name was Delia? O.o (Favorite line is the part about Suzu being like a cactus!)
Keep it up, this was a really good chapter, I think. So... Channing and Jack, two of my favorite characters, have a history? Can't wait to find out more...
| ToonMasta chapter 16 . 2/18/2009
Kya~! This chapter had everything I wanted, you're my hero!
The discussion with Channing, the return of the - in my mind - adorable Marley, Jack being Jack, and Suzu and Ilya nearly kissing! Even if there's no fighting, chapters like these are vital, I think. So many things about your story make me happy to read about, so I feel like my critiques may be a little biased toward you, but...
Don't consider it my bias, consider it a testament to your own writing skills! Bravissimo!
| ToonMasta chapter 15 . 2/18/2009
I like that Suzu's starting to feel bad about being an ass to people. And I'm curious about Channing~!
Um... this is just a technical thing so feel free to ignore my advice - I have no flaws with your story at all, but I want to comment so I'll point out whatever I can. In the sentence when you're talking about Ilya answering the door, it says "There was sweat on his brow, which caused Suzu to arch a brow" it seems a little repetitive to use the word "brow" in both instances. You could use "forehead" in place of Ilya's brow. Just saying.
Lol. Poor Ilya, he probably thinks that Suzu's homophobic or something, the way he always runs away when things get too close for comfort. And all this buildup... it makes me want to read more! You, my friend, are a master of the art of suspense.
| ToonMasta chapter 12 . 2/16/2009
Yay! Okay, I totally love Jack. I think he's my favorite character.
Hmm... now THAT'S an interesting turn of events. Hm... I noticed a few typos, if you want me to point those out? Other than that there weren't any other outstanding flaws, though... Let's see... Aw man, now I can't find them. " Well, I'll let ya know. And I guess I at least gave you a heads up, right?
| ToonMasta chapter 9 . 2/15/2009
Oh, I wouldn't say there's no action in this chapter. There's action in conversation. And if I agreed with you there, I'd have to admit the same thing about the majority of my writing and I don't want to do that. Heh.
This mysterious watcher at the end... I have my own ideas about him, but that last sentence seemed to give away the most information. Since for the most parts his thoughts - I'm guessing on purpose, since it seems intentional - were too vague to formulate much other opinon.
I like the little back-and-forth stuff between Elle and Gen. It's funny. Um... I guess that's all I have to say for now.
| ToonMasta chapter 7 . 2/13/2009
Yay! When you'd said in the last chapter that he had a job I was wondering "How can you have a job in a town you just moved to?" but you explained that quite well. I really like Channing, I think. The way you described his eyes... kinda reminds me of Count D. from Pet Shop of Horrors. That and the fact that he works in a pet shop. Haha.
Um... again, all my "criticism" is just technical stuff. Like, just repetition in a couple of sentences so nothing even very serious. But, when you're talking about Channing's hair and eyes it seems like you use the words "hair" and "eyes" a little too much when you could just replace them with the pronoun "them" if that makes any sense. " Um... but really, that's the only thing I can think to point out. I'll continue to the next one! Yay!
| ToonMasta chapter 5 . 2/13/2009
Hmm... Well, critique-wise let me see if I can give you anything... I got just a little confused up at the top when you were talking about Jack's scars (and you used the phrase "across his nose" twice in a sentence, which was just a little awkward), but... I really think you do a VERY nice job describing the way people feel about things. Good analogies. I'd kill to think of analogies like that.
I think I really like Jack, even if Suzu doesn't. Actually, I've found that I like a lot of the characters - I like Owen a lot, too. You've definitely given them good personality, and their thought processes are so real...
Um... I'm not sure what else to say. " But your story is fabulous so far, and I'm going to continue reading it!
BTW, Jack reminds me of a blonde Shinjiro for some reason. I notice a lot of similarities to Persona, but I'm not pointing them out because as you said before you wrote this before then, and I totally see the same kinds of things in my story, too. I also don't think Jack is a drug dealer.
Anyway... off to read moar!