Reviews for Ugly Duckling Turned Swan
S.Maug101 chapter 6 . 12/30/2011
PLEASE WRITE FASTER. I read the re-write prior to this one aswell and I have to say, I'm enjoying this version a hell of a lot more! The story seems more believable, especially layton's part in her bullying. I thought maybe he realised who she was a bit too early on but then again now he can have some fun with her and I'm sure you know what you're doing. I hope Angus isn't a mighty bitch. Seriously excited to see where this goes... It's

favourite of all clichés with an individual twist. What girl doesn't dream for this to happen to her!
tassu13 chapter 6 . 12/28/2011
Omg I luv this story! Write faster!:) I'm really keen on knowing what is goin to happen next;) I just luv luv luv savannah but I HATE Layton he soo doesn't deserve savannah so don't hook them up:) what's up with Nathan? Did savannah and Nathan hook up before she came back? Haha anyways please write faster:)
Juliet Scar chapter 6 . 12/24/2011
GREAT JOB! UPDATE SOON PLEASE! Question: So, she slept with Nathan? Can you kind of explain their relationship later on? THANKS!
LostEmotions chapter 6 . 12/23/2011
Great story so far...the jump between going to her grandmothers and coming back was a bit confusing at first. But it's still a great story
laughing my a. off chapter 6 . 12/22/2011
Update! Please, I'm begging!
Hydrogen Peroxide chapter 6 . 12/21/2011
I like this version a lot, although I get a little confused here and there. I realized that you cut off the part about her time at her grandmother's, and her decision to become ruthless and cold. Her intention upon returning to Ashwood doesn't seem very clear this time round. And she doesn't seem that ruthless as I thought she might be. Why is that so?
Contemporary.Jane chapter 6 . 12/19/2011
I'm actually liking this re-write better than the previous version. I hate the whole falling for the guy who tormented you for years kind of deal. Yeah, he was mean to her, but she's gonna get her revenge, and then they'll be even. Haha, thanks for updating so fast, this story is great! How many chapters do you think it will be? Also, I love how confident Savannah is in this version. The previous version Savannah was always doubting herself, but I love how take charge she is in this version. Haha, update fast!
Sabreal chapter 3 . 12/19/2011
Re-writes are good. Remember that. REWRITES ARE GOOD. JK Rowling rewrote one chapter of the Goblet of Fire, NINETEEN times and nobody can even guess which one. This is what comes out of rewrites. SOMETHING BETTER.

But if anything, watch out for the vicious cycle. You're thinking "I must rewrite until I get this perfect"- and so that takes up your time instead of furthering the plot. In time, you will come to find you're pretty dang awesome at drawing the reader in- and even spinning their world for a few chappies. But eventually the time will come, when you are getting deeper and deeper into you're plot...and you're suffering. Badly.

I know. Because I've been there.

So what I've done, is thrown away all my basic principes (of being 100 percent statisfied with my chappies) and just wrote what came into my head. So far, I'm 44K in and some parts I LOVE, whilst others I HATE. My reviewers on the most part are lovely. Though there was that one horrific chappy, where I really HATED it, and then it turned out some of my readers thought so too.

Quote: "Not a favourite chapter of mine."

But I told myself. This isn't the best of my writing. Just KEEP going, and finish the god-damned thing.

What I'm saying is, you're story could be absoulte FIREWORKS, fireworks I tell you and there'll always be that one person who tells you it's too bright. Too loud. Too damn unbelievable. You get my drift.

But at the end of the day, YOU are the sole creator of this universe. As a writer, you have the power to create kingdoms from ruin, and then let it crumble to dust within minutes. Nobody can say it's OOC (like fanfic) because YOU ARE THE MASTER. That doesn't mean you'll always get it right though, so look at people who've created bigger, better kingdoms and learn from them. Take what you like. Discard what you don't.

It's OK to rewrite a bazillion times if necessary...but people on FP are an impatient bunch (me included) and most of the time they want to zoom to the final product. Unless you're a family member or a close friend, I doubt they'll care if you wrote 1 rewrite or sixty.

The final product. Remember the final product.
Arabella Knightfair chapter 3 . 12/19/2011
Hellooo!

Soo I read a lot of stories but I only ever review ones that I think have potential, grab my interest and I desperately want to help make for the better! So please bear that in mind while reading this :)

I was kind of enjoying this up until the end of this chapter. Mainly because I thought Savannah started to act very childish about the whole 'lying' thing. Like a little kid. And not in a cute way. In an annoying way that made me want to tell her to grow up. And throw her in front of a bus.

It's annoying. And not something that readers enjoy reading. It makes us roll our eyes and cringe! Unless the reader is a ten year old. But who lies about being a relative anyway? What purpose does that have in this story? Especially if she finds out moments later he is in fact not her relative. If that's going to happen then she must not find out for a few chapters, perhaps once he's gained her trust and then she finds out they they're not related at all and she feels like he's broken her trust. But to do that there needs to be a reason that he lied! So why did he introduce himself as her cousin? What's the point? Why? Ask this question all the time when editing! Because useless things like that bore the reader and make them turn off (Like it did for me). It does not progress the story in any way at all. Why? Why? Why? (Make SURE you ask that question when you go over and edit your story!)

IMPORTANT NOTE: Everything is happening way to fast! So fast that it feels like you're fast forwarding the beginning of the story to get to the middle just so you can get to the end faster (Which is where all the juicy stuff happens!). Therefore, there is no real introduction! No real beginning! Don't skimp on the freaking beginning! This is where you intrigue us readers! Where you make us want to read more because you want us to like Savannah and you want us to see her turn into a beautiful swan and show all those horribly mean bullies etc!

What you could do is make the chapters longer with more details and events. More of a lead up! To me it's just racing through! You've lost a lot of opportunities here! Opportunities to grab the reader's interest! For one, you could have a scene between Savannah and Layton, to scope out what their [Character] relationship is like at the beginning, show us her feelings towards him, towards the way he acts. A scene between and her and Mike which shows us just what she has to deal with in school, just what she's been dealing with since she started there, how she's handled it. All before the lunch room scene where she makes up her mind! And that would all be in one chapter.

Prologue: To me a prologue is of an event that's happened. Chapter one does not lead off from the prologue in real time. (Well in my feel of a prologue, my point is it does not feel like a prologue). So your prologue to me is more of a chapter. And it could be way more detailed! More events, more Mike, more Layton, more something! (Which I've already said). We could see more torture that Savannah has to deal with before she decides to leave! More of an introduction. Because I got lost. I really wasn't sure what was happening! And it barely held my interest. I only kept reading because this whole plot is a pretty interesting one!

(I'm working backwards haha, but now to get to this chapter!)

With this chapter once again I feel like it's racing through! There isn't time for things to happen! Well I guess what I mean is there isn't time for us to be drawn in, for us to really feel what Savannah is going through, for us to relate to her! It feels very flat. Savannah's relationship with her mum feels flat. I want more rounding! More depth! I'm not sure how to explain what I really mean.

My point is. The whole scene with her mother is so fast paced. Her mother just accepts it! There's no conversation about it! She just nods and says 'I understand'. And if they never talk then why the hell isn't it a bigger issue with them? How can Savannah just accept that her mother now wants to listen to her? etc. She should be hurt! Upset! Insulted! Her mother is hardly there for her because she's always working and here she is now wanting to know what's wrong? Where was she when her dad died? Where was she when she's come home crying becuase of the bullying? I DO NOT BELIEVE SHE WOULD JUST ACCEPT HER MOTHERS APOLOGY!

In that sense it is not very believable. These situations don't happen like that. You need an argument if the situation between them is like that! C'mon man! If you're not going to do that then there is no need for them to not have a relationship where they don't talk, where her mother is hardly there! They should just be like best friends instead! If you wanted them to not talk etc then it would be better for Savannah to be 'sent' to her grandmothers because her mum can't deal with her any more and then they 'fix' their relationship later in the story! (Don't just make this story about how important it is to have a boyfriend! Put more depth in it! Like finding her relationship with her mother! Feeling accepted with her mother! ...)

Don't add characters that we don't need to see. Don't mention other people if we won't ever see them. Say 'The cook'. The 'door man'. You know. Saves a lot of wasted energy in giving us info and meaningless dialogue with them. Don't have conversations with irrelevant characters. You can put the information that we need to know in conversations with the main characters!

Aaand that's my review so far...

Ara

x
Tired of all the rewrites chapter 1 . 12/18/2011
Too many rewrites I’m done.
Erica N chapter 6 . 12/18/2011
if you're every interested - if you're interested

Im still waiting on the part that you left but this is so good. You should apply for The Write Away :)
carson7 chapter 6 . 12/17/2011
I really liked this chapter. I know you said it was difficult to write his point of view, but I thought it was good.
TheLittleGirlWithAFrenchBeret chapter 3 . 12/17/2011
pretend this is a review for the last chapter that's out- WOW! that was SO amazing! I like Layton's POV! I also really like his name! :) great job, it was a really really good chapter!
Cassandra Elizabeth chapter 6 . 12/17/2011
I like this story a lot. I am womdering if he knows that she was the girl he used to make fun of. I think that he does but then again he hasn't asked her straight out.
chrissy.qld chapter 6 . 12/17/2011
I've read this story from day one back when you first started it. I have to say though this would have to be my favourite version.

you do laytons perspective wonderfully! even though its short, you still manage to get a lot in.

your not going too quick with the story line, its a perfect pace, to the point yet still have a little time to question what might happen next. its definitely refreshing to know we won't have to wait to long to see what happens next (based on the new chapters you've published)

I love this story line and the characters! can't wait to read the rest! keep up the good work! :)
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